I think I will journal while I'm still on moderation...
First of all, I really wish there was an EDIT button because my first post is a babbling mess. (I guess that's what happens when you type up your life story at 4am.) Hopefully, you all can make sense of the gobbledygook above.
Anyway, apparently my H being 100% done this time for sure only lasted until the next morning...
He took one look at me and started crying. He asked if I would be willing to listen to some of his issues and concerns after our children were in bed.
We spoke for a couple hours that night. It was one of the most open and honest R talks we've had in years.
He said that he had really thought about a lot about something I had said the night before...
That even though I loved him and would prefer to stay married, that I realized over the years that I had lost respect for him because for me to feel safe and connected, that I needed a man who showed more emotional strength.
He said that his behaviour was embarrassing if he really took a step back and looked at it, and that constantly threatening to divorce me when we fought or disagreed was not the way to handle his frustrations. He said he now understands why I don't feel safe with him. That he was so caught up in his own hurt, that he didn't see mine. I told him that I had done this as well and I apologized.
He also admitted that he's not good at dealing with hurt or anger...and that he's beginning to believe that perhaps he's not emotionally mature and that he really wants to work on that issue.
Then he asked if I would listen to a list he had written about what bothered him about me and our relationship. I said yes...
I listened without defending or interrupting. Some of it was hard to hear.
After he was done, I told him if I could go back I would do things differently. That I understood why he was so angry when I lost interest in him sexually and why that made him feel so rejected and unloved. He again said he understood why I didn't feel connected to him.
We agreed it was a vicious cycle and that neither of us felt truly loved or connected, and that we both reacted badly at times. We just had a different way of dealing with our feelings.
He asked me to come up with a list expressing my concerns and issues. I said I would have one ready next week when he returned from a camping trip with our S.
This is the quickest recovery from the bomb drop yet.
I admit I'm afraid to trust this completely...but maybe that's been part of our problem.
