And the beat goes on...

[Telemark]

"I have arrived!"

Thanks for the laugh!

"I think your approach you are taking is great and I truly wish I can get to "where you are" sooner."

I guess I'm deliberately being as stoic as I can be. The simple truth is that I understand "if you love her, set her free". Trying to live under the same roof wasn't working. Trying to fix her, or the marriage, wasn't working. Trying to show her the error of her ways wasn't working.

Only when I accepted the fact that she had to move out and find herself was I able to breathe more easily and relax. I think we have a small chance of reconciling, but it's only a small one. She still does not feel the love that a wife should have for her husband. All I can do is give her the space and time she wants, and strive to be better than the man she once fell in love with.

If she sees something in me that captures her, that would be wonderful. But I won't hang my hat on hopes and maybes.

[Gnosis]

Women respect men who respect themselves.

And what have you been doing to show her that you respect yourself?

[Telemark]

Want the whole list?

Here are a few key items; I have...

...been working to get myself into better shape than I was 30 years ago. W has offered several UNSOLICITED compliments.

...become much closer to my kids.

...become more active in my church.

...become more active with non-profit organizations.

...spent more time with friends out of the house.

...stopped dwelling on the situation, and accepted it for what it is.

[Gnosis]

I applaud your efforts to improving yourself. Just FYI, I spent the time today reading through ALL your posts. I didn't go into detail on all the responses you have received so I could have missed if someone had written this to you already.

Your premise: "Women respect men who respect themselves."

Part of the self-respect that you have missed out on is: "Women respect men who will stand up to them and not take their crap."

How have you done this? You allowed her to:

... continue her affair, in your own home... without any consequences.

... blatantly flaunt it in your face... without any consequences.

... chase you out of your own home (because you could not stand to be in the house with her)

... manipulate you by using guilt against you so you would turn a blind eye and allow her to justify to herself why

And MY list could go on...

You have allowed her to use you. You knew you were being used (listen to your gut) but chose to look away and for excuses to explain her behavior. Wake up man! She is having a full blown affair right in your face and you sit there playing nanny?

Here are my recommendations to you. Not many have the courage to do them.

1) Explain to her very succinctly with as few words as possible ASAP: "I've been doing some thinking and you know what? I finally get it, you want OM and you can have him. Go and be happy. I wish you the best. Because of that I've decided that the minute you walk out that door we're done."

2) Drop your "long-suffering knight in shining armor" act and stop being there for her. No more rescuing. She has made the decision let her be an adult and figure her own way out of this. It is disrespectful for her to expect you to pay her way while she is with another man.

That means no more Mr Nanny for SS21. He is not your son. As much as you love him there is not much you can do for him. He is HER responsibility.

2) Go and see a lawyer ASAP. Find out your LEGAL rights and take action to protect yourself by filing for D or get a legal separation agreement. DO NOT WAIT for her to file first. This is not an honor thing or a "I'm not going to be the one to file" thing. That's pure stupidity.

She has been PROVEN to be very, very cunning. Leading you on, giving you tidbits of conversations whenever she is getting her way.... and all the time you're interpreting this as her "coming out of the fog." Here's the blatant truth, THERE IS NO FOG. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She did it before (only you were the OM remember?)

If you're thinking she will snap out of it by you being a nice guy then look at her track record. I bet her XH is a nice guy too. He must be. He puts up with all her sh!t just like you do. That is not the only thing to look at, her affair with you lasted for 10 years.

She is not using the same moral compass as you are. Protect yourself. Stand up FOR yourself. Expect the anger that will come and brush it aside. And here's something for you to keep in mind: She will RESPECT you for standing up for yourself.

Don't let her guilt you and manipulate you any longer.

[Gnosis]

Additionally:

You will find that by you taking the lead, pushing for the D as fast as possible and withdrawing ALL support will make her head spin. She will be angry (guaranteed!!!)

And then you should go out of your way to enjoy the FRIENDLY company of women. Be seen with them. Let the message go out that you are on the market.

If the combined effect of the financial drama and fear of having lost you for good does not turn her around nothing will. (That should take anything from 4 to 8 weeks for "reality" to set in.)

IF she decides to come back and expresses the desire to. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY is to tell her, "I need to think about that because I'm not sure if I want that." <<< and that is all you say. Nothing more. You let her WORK her way back in. She has not done an honest day's work on your R. It is your duty to allow her to do the work, just like you have.

[Telemark]

"... chase you out of your own home (because you could not stand to be in the house with her)"

And where, exactly, did you get this piece of misinformation?

[Gnosis]

"... chase you out of your own home (because you could not stand to be in the house with her)"
And where, exactly, did you get this piece of misinformation

I was speaking figuratively and am referring to your reluctance on more than one occasion to return to your home. Also you mentioned once that the your son's bedroom was the only place you felt comfortable being in. (That is what I meant)

[Telemark]

Uh-huh...

Not quite sure why you chose to read all 312 of my posts and then tell me everything I'm doing is wrong, but that's your choice. Regarding your advice to "take action to protect yourself by filing for D or get a legal separation agreement", doesn't that fly in the face of what this site is advocating?

I suppose your thump-my-chest-and-beat-her-into-submission technique will work for some people,but I'll pass. Thanks for your comments, though.

[Gnosis]

You're welcome.

[25yearsmlc]

Uh-huh...

Not quite sure why you chose to read all 312 of my posts and then tell me everything I'm doing is wrong, but that's your choice. Regarding your advice to "take action to protect yourself by filing for D or get a legal separation agreement", doesn't that fly in the face of what this site is advocating?

I suppose your thump-my-chest-and-beat-her-into-submission technique will work for some people,but I'll pass. Thanks for your comments, though.

guess I don't need to toss my .02 in b/c you did just fine telemark...but my guess is he has you confused with someone else.

Dang, I'm sorry for your pain.

However, thought you should know that I just finished posting 7 of your posts on a list I have of people who have made measurable progress...truly amazing...


If you want, in a few weeks, I'll post them to you in some fashion so you can see your own path b/c you really have made amazing adjustments, at least internally.

To that I say "Well done."