I will play devil's advocate against my self here. Does it show integrity? Where is my integrity on this issue? Is it integrity to say things I know will make her feel guilty? What if I know they are truths (the stuff about my situation, at least..) Does it change things? Perhaps her guilt is healthy? Maybe it isn't. Maybe I should just shut up and not say stuff that makes her feel worse?
If I'm supposedly 'dbing' in many of the things I am doing or trying to do (GAL, 180s, going dark.. etc..) then is it an act of integrity to discuss the R as much as I have? What if the W brings it up first?
What if DBing isn't an act of integrity? What if it is a means to an end? What is the end? What are the specific means?
Is the end that we sell ourselves out to have our spouse? Doesn't that just make us emotionally fused and at high risk for recidivism?
To be clear, I don't think that this is the case, I think at its best DBing is actually about learning to be self-responsible and learning to soothe our own wounds without pressuring the spouse to do so. It is about learning to grow up in ways that perhaps our marriages conveniently allowed us to avoid until one person decides to jump ship. These good things give the WAS much more 'space' to start to look at things differently. It is no guarantee, though..
But what were you supposed to do? These are your observations and how you feel. You were being honest and forthright, rather than ... I don't know about DBing and integrity.
But I'd appreciate this in my partner. I may not want to hear it, but if I were in any way interested in the truth of their experience, my own personal growth, that kind of real feedback, and being on my "path" then yes, what I think you did was good - helpful.
Otherwise, where is she going to find the answers?
