Ah yes. The "I'm right, you're wrong and I know it" mentality. Brings back memories
Tad, one thing you said that really struck me. You had a flood of memories. Happy and sad at the same time. Know what that is? That's progress for you, my friend. When you can look back at the happy times and KNOW they were happy, you will have made much progress. I think you have already. I'm proud of you
You are doing very well with the kids too Tad. They need their dad, and you are doing great!
The other thing that really stands out is that she is missing out. You are NOT missing out. She is. That's a good thing Tad. It's great really because it means you are shifting your viewpoint and I'm very happy to hear that. You are not pulling away or leaving her, but you are seeing things differently and that is very important.
Quick note: The anger? Yep, it's really something isn't it? I remember thinking it was both scary and fascinating at the same time. Like a thunderstorm. Kind of a beautiful thing in some ways. If it wasn't directed at you it would be much more interesting than scary if you ask me. Doesn't make it right though, and part of setting boundaries (one of you has to) is ensuring that she is under no circumstances allowed to choose to treat you poorly.
Perspective is important Tad.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ and Antonia. I am doing better. It has been much slower than I had hoped for though. Some days are better than others.
I'm having a hard time believing that she wants to be friends. If that was true, wouldn't she call and talk to me like friends do?
Antonia, I thought that this was funny what you posted about your H:
Quote:
There was something he said every time he saw me at the house during the divorce proceedings: "I can't live in two worlds." One time he actually said to me "I had no idea you would change so much in such a short time. But I can't live in two worlds."
My W said something similar before she moved out and after I had found out about the dating site: "The site seems like a different world or atleast another part of my life."
AJ, the "I'm right and your wrong mentality" very well could be an MLC thing, but my W has pretty much always been like that. That kind of makes me afraid that if she does wake up, she may be too proud to admit that she made a mistake and was wrong.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
The other thing that really stands out is that she is missing out.
Do you think she even realizes that she is missing out?
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad, the needing to be right is a characteristic pre MLC of many MLCers. It is personality type [according to my therapist] that when stressed, which is part of what MLc is, becomes very extreme. So the 'needing' to be right' becomes obsessive. Plus of course they cannot admit to themselves that they might be making a terrible mistake because where does that leave them?
Sadly many of them have to crash before they can admit they have made a mistake. And that can take a long time, way after any normal person would see they got it very wrong.
They are angry with us because they both love us [buried under all of what they are doing] but at the same time they cannot look at themselves and see they have any responsibility for their perceived unhappiness. Because they do not make mistakes in their eyes, then it has to be someone else who is to blame for how they feel. They can also get angry with their kids when they don't do what the MLCer feels they should. They do not see that their kids behavior has any justification in it, and of course children do not DB, so they can get some real anger as well at times.
While 'understanding' MLC does not make it change, it can help to see what is going on when the behaviour seems so crazy, as it does have its own weird logic. For me the more I understood, the easier it was to let go and focus on me, because I knew that most of what was going on wasn't anything to do with me personally. I was the lightening rod, not the cause of the storm, if you see what I mean.
We get the anger because we are around, because they love us. Some of them do not do this raging and blaming, but many do.
Tad my XH was also always an "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" type of person. Over the years I became very much like him but I wasn't that type of person when I met him. We had an "us against the world" mentality and became VERY opinionated and critical/harsh of anyone who didn't agree with us and people said we could be very intimidating to be friends with.
I thought that was a great place to be because I had him in this very tiny, very "right" little world.
In retrospect it was isolating and sad. People now tell me that I am no longer that type of person, that I'm very tolerant of others, and much kinder and nicer. They tell me that this is probably "who I really am" now that I'm alone and finding my own personality.
You said you wonder if your wife will not ever admit wrongdoing because of this trait--and I say this exact thing all the time about my XH. Then I say to myself, would I really want to be with someone again who seems to bring out my intolerant and cynical side and who holds himself above everyone else to mask his own insecurities? And my answer is NO.
I'm happy about all your progress. Have a lovely weekend :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
My 26th wedding anniversary is on the 30th of this month. Any idea how I should handle it? Should I even acknowledge it?
Also, I realized today that she knew that S25 had a court date this past Monday. She also knew that S20 started a new job this past Tuesday. She hasn't talked to either one of them to see how things went.
Again, just sad.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Ugh. 26th. Sorry. Before my H left he made a joke ( I thought it was a joke at the time, now not so sure) that if he had been a prisoner with a life sentence he'd be free.
I suggest you don't acknowledge it, her head isn't there.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I think you'll get a ton of suggestions on the anniversary, but my advice is to stay quiet, understand that it's going to hurt, cry or scream or whatever on your own, and wake up the next day and realize it's still ok out there.
I didn't contact XH on ours back in Dec. and we were not divorced yet. Sometime after dinner, he texted me and just said something like "I realize that if I contact you today I risk hurting you deeply and making the wound worse, and if I don't contact you today, I look like a horrible person, so this is a no-win situation for me. Just know that I know what the significance of this day is and I hope you're with your family or friends right now."
That message hurt me so deeply it took days to recover. I'd rather he not have said anything.
So in my mind, you don't do anything. If she texts you or whatever to say "Happy Anniversary", you say "you too." Then walk away. If she doesn't contact you, you might be better off. I'm sorry you have to face this, but you can't celebrate something with her that she is smack dab in the middle of destroying. Celebrate your memories with your kids or on your own. Those memories are JUST AS IMPORTANT in the scheme of things even if she's not emotionally available to celebrate with you.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh Tad, you'll probably want to know if I responded to my XHs anniversary email. I did not. Later he told me that when he never heard back from me, he thought I "did something to hurt myself" (I'd never done anything like that before) and he contacted my sister to make sure I was "safe." She never told me this, but he told me, I guess to show me he wasn't heartless. But then a day later he took OW on vacation to one of our favorite places and posted pics on facebook. So clearly his compassion comes and goes by the day ;-)
Bottom line: protect your emotions as much as you can.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
As to the needing to be right: My X was always looking to me for the answers, and then putting me down for being right. "You just know everything, don't you?" type of thing. My X didn't need to be right, he wanted worship. Hero worship. It's an Army thing.
The anniversery - I agree with Antonia and Scylla. Bury your head in the sand if needs be, but don't acknowledge it, and don't anticipate any acknowledgement on her part.
The ignoring what's going on with the kids is also typical MLC. D25 recently graduated from college. Not a peep. Having another grandchild soon. Not a peep. Living in his own, bright, shiny world.
