Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

ugh. rough night.

i found myself awake and wrestling with a lot of questions and thoughts. A lot of it trying to deal w/ this issue of "am I really willing to completely terminate any relationship with my W once this divorce is finalized?" I have a tough time with this -- did I say it to get her to rethink things, of course I did. It isn't that I don't mean it - I do - but that means I believe that maybe she would slow it down a bit if she needs to consider that she is going to really lose me being in her life at all.

I don't want this to happen. I really really don't want this to happen (like many of us on here..). She has been my one constant companion for a decade. We have 'grown up' together and it's always been my hope that we would create our life together. We never really got a chance to do so much of what we wanted to in our life. I don't want to admit to myself that she doesn't want that. She doesn't want it at all, according to her words and actions.

She may well really not love me. She might not want much to do with me at all beyond soothing her own guilt. She may find my completely undesirable. It is hard for me to fully accept that.. I wish I could, but I love her and I want to believe that there is an explanation that suits me better. But she says "I don't love you" - why shouldn't I take that at face value?

Yet she talks about how she has so much doubt and worry. How she has called her IC up in tears crying. But to what end? Guilt over what she is 'doing' to me? Or because she misses me and feels terrible? Too terrible to come back? Confused? I really can't know and I can't help her with this.

And when I say things like 'i don't know why that would be hard for you.. this is what you want.' What am I really doing? Am I prompting her to question what she 'wants' more than what she is 'afraid of'? Or am I just pushing a button because I'm hurting?

I am a coward.

I guess that's a little extreme.. but I feel like there is also truth in it. Not that its all that I am, but there are so many ways that I realize that I basically sell myself out to my fears and doubts everyday. Its why I have done a pretty lame job of GAL.. it's a big part of why my W stopped 'loving' me.. It's a big part of why I hide behind my 'smarts.'

I fear being incompetent at a job. I fear not being wanted to do a job. I fear that I will get a job and be stuck with nowhere to go.

I fear not being loved for who I am - fear that my W won't love me (ironic.. ). I fear really sincerely losing my relationship with my W.. permanently. I fear being alone.. permanently. I fear feeling like I'm purposeless. I fear not being worthy of being loved. I fear that if I am okay, my W will feel even better about leaving.

I fear living in poverty. I fear being invisible - but I fear being seen.

I don't like it - letting my fears keep me from doing what I want to do.

I don't want to 'make' my W love me. That is me selling out my own integrity because I'm afraid she won't love me unless I do something to 'convince' her. Don't I want to be loved authentically? Yet, I need to do much of those things for myself.

I fear that maybe even getting M was something I did because it was something safe - She pursued me, I knew she loved me, I knew that she wanted to marry me. I never had to ask. I never needed to take that chance.

I don't want to let my fear keep me from pursuing the things that I want.

Country Song asked me a poignant question yesterday: Do you attach yourself to these ideas?

I have been pondering that.. and my fear. And I think that I do identify with being a 'smart' person. And even though it feels like a safe place, I don't know if its always in my best interests to be a 'smart' person. I dont think there is anything wrong with being 'smart' but I suspect that it is getting in the way of me being using the rest of my 'intelligence.'