There is a reason that I share this story. I now know what I have to do. History has a way of repeating itself. I must give her up like I did before. The only difference is that she is the one breaking up with me, but has asked me to have faith in her. She needs time to heal and work on herself.
Like so very long ago, I need to give her up and focus on myself. I am reminded of how difficult it was the first time, how I cried for days. I truly believe that she is my eternal companion, my soulmate. I never would have imagined that I would find myself in the same situation 14 years afterwards.
But this is where I am. I still do not agree with her choices, but I need to find the positives. I had failed with certain aspects in my marriage. I still have a long way to go to become the man I wish to be. I now have the time, and the constant reminder of the importance to do this.
As I look at the open book of my life, I scan the pages that have already been written. I will smile at the good points, and I will learn from both my mistakes and my successes. I look forward to the empty white pages still waiting to be filled. There is a clarity now, that the next few chapters to come will greatly impact the rest of my life when the book is finally closed and sealed.
Will I look back at this point of my life and ask why did I wallow in sorrow, and question my Father in Heaven "Why me!" Will this cause me to become bitter towards life, loose faith in others and my God, and forget the joy and loose the blessings that I can still achieve.
Or will I look back at this point of my life with a smile, realizing that I was a better man for it. That my prayers to my Heavenly Father were "What will you have me learn through this experience and bless me to have the strength to endure it well."
Shall I look back at this time of my life with fondness, saying to myself, "This is when I learned to have empathy towards others, patience, and faith in my God. Will I look back at this valley of my life amazed at the inner strength I possessed, for strength and character are only revealed through trials.
All other trials will seem minimal compared to this. Future success will be assured, depending on my next few steps.
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
It seems to me that you have perspective today, the key is to keep that going and not lose your way. Your story is beautiful and gives others hope. I see so much of my journey in yours. May God give you strength, wisdom and patience... May he bless us all with those qualities as we travel our own paths.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I am still feeling pretty good right now. I do have a few things to share.
If you have read any of the previous posts, I have a hard time stopping from looking at my wife's FB page. It still keeps me attached to her. So........it has been remedied.
Sunday night I spoke with my stbxw over the phone. I was talking about how I bet every man now hits on her since she took off her wedding ring. I hinted at doctors. I guess I wanted to get caught. She asked me how I knew. I played dumb and asked what she is talking about.
She then told me that the gynacologist told her that he would love to take care of her, then stroked her face and asked her out. She declined his advances. She claims she does not want any relationships with any man. I believe this to be uproffessional conduct by the doctor.
Anyway, Monday afternoon comes around, and again I look on her FB page. This time I see private messages from her to her cousin in Chile. The conversation leads to my stbxw relating to her cousin how she has been dating a security guard for the past three months, but it is difficult because they have not done anything yet, they she was just waiting for the divorce to finalyze.
You can imagine the feelings of frustration and sorrow that passed through me. I had to confront her, so after work I drove to the house. As I was driving, I was actually a little at peace. A few things passed through my mind. 1. She could have set me up to see if I was spying on her. She was suspicous the night before. 2. I am going to move on with my life for the time being with hopes of getting back with her down the road. 3. I will not let this conversation be an argument. 4. I will tell her about me having her FB code.
I asked her out to sit in the truck to have a conversation with me. I did not want my kids to hear anything or interrupt us. I started of by saying that I do not want either one of us to raise our voices, and to be honest with eachother. We are adults.
I showed her a printed page of the messages and calmly asked what was this. She first asked where I had received this from. I told her the truth. She could not believe that I had still been spying on her. I apologized, but explained that was one of the reasons why I was there, for her to change her code so that I would not be tempted to look anymore. I am slowly getting better with moving on, but it still has been difficult for me. She was upset, but suprisingly calm.
She then went on to explain that they were all lies. That it was her friends idea to set me up to see if I had access to her FB account. I asked her about the message about spending the afternoon with a handsome man from a few weeks ago. She said that was in reference to my oldest son, since he is the man of the house now. She also told me that I need to heal myself as well.
Regarding the security guard, I believe her, but still have my doubts. But, it does not matter now. I believe this conversation was needed, that I will no longer have access to her FB account, that this chapter of my life is over.
As stated on Sunday night, now is the time to work on me. I know that I will still have my down moments, especially when the judge finally signs the paperwork and the divorce is official. I also know that personal prayer has helped me alot with these difficult times. I feel closer to my Heavenly Father, knowing that he cares for me, mourns with me, and will carry me. Google Footprints in the Sand, it is a great poem.
There are many things that I would like to change in myself. I am in the midst of creating a list (goals) of what I want, who I want to be, and how to get there. I will share this later.
I still do not what the future holds. I still believe that my wife and I will get back together, but it will take awhile. But if not, with time, I will be fine and happy again. We can't always choose the roads we must travel in this life. One thing I will learn from this is to enjoy my journey more during the "slow" times of life. I will be more grateful of the blessings that I do have, and work harder to be better to my family, starting with my kids.
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
The funny thing is, this all happened on Monday night. On Tuesday she had to come to my office to sign some paperwork for the house. She arrived around 11:00, filled out the paperwork, then invited me to lunch. We went to lunch and had a good time. This time no R talk, just enjoyed eachothers company.
Again, at this time I feel a little better considering the circumstances. I had a lot to think about over the weekend, and believe I know which direction to point my ship.
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
Yesterday my wife invited me to go to the furniture store with her to look at a bedroom set that she is thinking of buying since I'm getting the old set after the divorce.
After work I headed over to the house and had dinner with the family. I sure miss sitting down at the dinner table with the whole family and talking with the kids and the W.
Afterwards we headed to the store. Sometimes I can be my own worse enemy. I was depressed being in the house and knowing we will be selling it on the 19th of this month. So many good memories. I was also depressed thinking about how many evenings that I have missed eating dinner as a family.
This was bothering the stbxw. The kids stayed home, so we began speaking about our R.
Why do I do what I know I should not. First mistake, I should have been happy at the moment being with my family for dinner, not thinking about the past. Second, no R talk, just enjoy eachothers company.
As stated earlier, she is still very upset about the FB thing. She stated that she was just beginning to trust me again and then Monday night happened. Ouch! I validated what she was saying, apologized, and said that I am working on myself. At this point of the conversation I was a lot more upbeat and acting a little roguish. Luckily, I was able to make her laugh, even though she is still upset. I finally stated let's no longer talk about this subject and just enjoy the evening. The rest of the evening went smoothly.
My stbxw needed a cashiers check for her new apartment that she will be moving into next week. She is borrowing money from me until the house sells. She showed up at my office with the daughter then we went to pick up the check.
Afterwards she invited me to lunch. I agreed. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant. No R talk, I was upbeat, and we had a good time just talking about nothing. I paid the bill, she dropped me off at work, and that was that. A success in my opinion.
Excited about the weekend. I have my kids again. I am thinking about taking them to see Captain America. I'm excited just to be with them.
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
Having a good day today. Just sitting by the pool watching my kids have fun.
One little frustrating thing. I had a dream that my W showes up wearing her wedding ring again, asking to get back together. I look down and hady wedding band on as well. I was so happy.
Then I woke up. How frusrating...or is it a thing to come in the future. I do believe in dreams.
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
I had a very similar dream. Yes it is very painful... I think it's your subconscious self trying to provide relief, or coming to terms with your grief... Kind of how you hear about a dead person who you were very close to coming to you in a dream...IMHO
J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
