Dazed and confused...

[lstincali22]

After yesterday IC session I realize even more that I am still too focused on her. I have not detached as much as I felt I had. I’m glad my counselor told me that my reaction was normal based on the trauma I had gone through. Normal or not I’m still pissed at myself for reacting the way I did. I allowed myself to get tied up in what she might be doing and that was all it took. I wish my commute was not as long as it is; it gives me way too much time to think! I need to download some books on my Iphone so that I can keep my mind busy during my drive.
 
I need to stop focusing on her or putting so much energy toward her. It’s a waste. I cannot change her or how she feels. I need to continue to focus on me and taking care of the kids.
 
I’ve been exercising more consistently, now I really just need to work harder on GAL! I spend so much time with the kids that it almost seems impossible for me to do anything for myself. By the time I get home from work and by the time football practice and dinner is taken care of it’s already 9pm. I then try to get a workout in and when that is over there is not much time left. My days off are spent cleaning and taking care of household chores for the most part.
I feel as if I’m a single father of two very active boys. I’m not complaining, I really enjoy family life, it suits me well. I like spending time with my boys; it makes my days so much brighter.
 
I may be trying to take too much. I don’t want to depend on my W for anything but the fact is she is still the mother of our children and she should be doing her share.
 
Yesterday I made it a point to get out for a couple of hours and I had lunch with an old friend. I kind of felt bad about leaving the kids at home. I know I shouldn’t, I have every right to be able to do things without the kids but, I felt bad nonetheless.
 
My IC asked about the lunch, she was wondering if this meant that I was detached enough to start dating. I had to clarify that I was merely catching up with an old friend. I let my IC know that I realize that I am in vulnerable position and that it would be very easy to get caught up in an EA or even worse a PA and that would not make the situation at hand any better.
 
I explained to my IC that my friend is having marriage issues of her own and we openly talked about our problems during lunch. I also let my IC know that I don’t plan on meeting up with her again it would be too easy to let things go down the wrong path.
 
I still allow myself to get caught up in what I would like life to be like as a complete family. What I need to be caught up with is how to give my boys the best life possible with whatever happens.