Yeah Starsky, I can see what you're saying... I guess as the LBS, it's pretty much impossible to empathize with that because of the cognitive dissonance it creates...
Huh, I hear you. My W has done a lot to spend the cash and investments that's been stored up. Add to that efforts to remove my name from assets, it adds up to an example of spending it all now, so that she doesn't have to "share"...
Interesting about those symptoms you mention, Julz... now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder how far back my W was having things like panic attacks, health changes like quitting smoking (something the OM was all over her about, when I still thought of him as a friend) and increased efforts to loose weight and get in shape, the appearance changes like tattoos, clothing changes, hair changes... well before there seemed to be anything untoward in the M... Talking to a friend yesterday, if we were to guess, the A could have begun as far back as three years, maybe a little longer... based on my W's behaviours and... distance...
Geeze, Woody... I didn't realize (or maybe remember) that your W had an OM... So sorry that you find yourself in the same sitch... it really does suck, without a doubt... and yeah... I'm already dead... whatever you do to my body after that pretty much won't matter to me...
I guess it's the depth of the lies that really confounds me... and the projection about lying, honesty, trust onto the LBS that is so... harsh...
I would lie if I said that I don't care she's lying to me... but in a way, it doesn't matter any more. I know the truth and I'm finally coming to terms with it... that, at the very least, the continuation of it is a deal breaker for me... if it was over, if there was admittance and remorse (even to a minor degree)... but there isn't... the A keeps on going and as it appears from the limited info I get... it's getting deeper...
So I'm trying to convince myself to varying degrees of success, that they can have each other... no matter how much I believe in M, how much I remain open to loving my W, for the kids... it's a loosing battle at this time...
D will not "solve" anything... but at least then... I can put to rest in my mind, that she is no longer having an A... she is no longer cheating on me... her "secret life" is no more harmful to me... at least directly...
But the lies... they go far beyond the LBS... the deceit...
I don't even have words to describe the behaviour... it's not cold... it's not evil... it's not spiteful... it's so much deeper and more profound than that...
She doesn't just lie to me... I can take that, now... mostly...
She's lying to her kids... its not a direct lie... it's a lie of omission... "mommy and daddy just don't love each other 'like that' any more"... bull poo! "You have to go to your grandfather's this weekend because I have a conference this weekend..." more poo...
It's the lie to herself... "I've lost the 'passion' that M people should have for each other"... really? "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"... c'mon... "I am not sure I ever really loved you..."... ok... right...??? And all the other stuff...
We call it "rationalizations" or "justifications"...
It's really just an attempt to positively spin lies of omission...
And THAT... is what hurts so much... at least for me... because at least THIS LBS... loves his spouse unconditionally enough to hope that one day... she will survive the harsh realities of the truth...
The truth of the destroyed M, the loss of the nuclear family for the kids, the continued lies to the kids through continued denial of the OP, or the awkward introduction of the OP to the kids, and the high probability of the failed A... because it's simply not based in reality, so a whole lot of cognitive re-adjustment has to occur within the WAS that the (supposed) new R does not have it's beginning and foundation based on lies...
