Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

Wow. I think this is phenomenal and shows your integrity.

I will play devil's advocate against my self here. Does it show integrity? Where is my integrity on this issue? Is it integrity to say things I know will make her feel guilty? What if I know they are truths (the stuff about my situation, at least..) Does it change things? Perhaps her guilt is healthy? Maybe it isn't. Maybe I should just shut up and not say stuff that makes her feel worse?

If I'm supposedly 'dbing' in many of the things I am doing or trying to do (GAL, 180s, going dark.. etc..) then is it an act of integrity to discuss the R as much as I have? What if the W brings it up first?

What if DBing isn't an act of integrity? What if it is a means to an end? What is the end? What are the specific means?

Is the end that we sell ourselves out to have our spouse? Doesn't that just make us emotionally fused and at high risk for recidivism?

To be clear, I don't think that this is the case, I think at its best DBing is actually about learning to be self-responsible and learning to soothe our own wounds without pressuring the spouse to do so. It is about learning to grow up in ways that perhaps our marriages conveniently allowed us to avoid until one person decides to jump ship. These good things give the WAS much more 'space' to start to look at things differently. It is no guarantee, though..

someone who is really not looking straight at what the issues are and I think you are presenting them to her logically and clearly rather than leaving things vague and blurry where - possibly - there is more sense of (albeit vague) hope.

I think where I fail is in the presumption that my interpretation of the situation is the only correct one. It is correct for me, and from where I stand, it makes a lot of sense. I may even be right - particularly when stating 'facts' that 'normalize' some of the behavior and thoughts that she seems to feel make her 'bad'. But it isn't really my place to do so - she needs to be able to do this for herself. I'm not an authority figure and when I act like one, it probably is very grating to her and creates resistance.

Rationally, I know this is true. In practice, I stumble. I try to catch myself and acknowledge it ASAP.

I think she'll respect you for this. You are fearless right now - facing the "truth" of the situation and not letting her slide it this way and that.

I am very fearful of many things - I fear getting 'stuck' any more than I already think I am. I fear 'losing it' when time comes for her and her friends to get her stuff out of here. I fear the idea that W will be better off without me. I fear the idea that I am angry in some way that I cannot even recognize and that some day it is going to catch me by surprise and I won't be ready to handle it.

I am doing my best to accept that fear and try and do what I think is right anyways. It isn't my job to teach her and I need to remember this even though I may want to see the truth of things, she may not want to and may not see the same information the same way I do. Her truth of the situation is going to be very different from mine based on where her head is at and the way she is thinking about things. I need to accept that a little bit better..