Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

But what you really did was take a very elitist attitude.

I can see how by what I typed, you might draw that conclusion. I won't dispute it, because I think you are correct to at least a degree.

I am no two-step, which partially explains some of my omissions.

I also 'asked' a lot of stuff too. But to be honest, I think there was a Socratic element to that asking. I struggle with this.. I know that we had a long conversation last week and I did a great job of just asking and listening. I haven't been as 'on it' this week. Not sure why.. I guess perhaps because the more we talk, the more I want her.

I did listen to her. I listen very carefully. Much of my use of 'pointed out' and 'told' was because I feel iffy about my contributions to the discussion. I will put those things that I heard below, using the phrase 'thinks' to express how i understand what she said, not to suggest I read her mind or interpreted it for her. This is going to be a little long, but please don't take it as sarcasm or reaction. I completely see how what I posted before makes me sound quite arrogant.

WRT the school thing: She thinks that I would probably do well going to school. She believes that it would be to my advantage despite my ability to teach myself things, because having it in writing might make a difference. She thinks that my parents will help me pay for it. She thinks that if I wanted to become a psychologist, I'd probably do a fantastic job. She thinks I'm one of the smartest people she's ever met.

WRT to grownup decisions. She thinks that she has grown up a lot because of these decisions. She thinks that having the affair was a 'grown up' mistake. She thinks that choosing divorce is a 'grown up' decision. She thinks that choosing to stay married would also have been a 'grown up' decision.

WRT to having her friends come help her get her stuff out of the apt. She thinks that she needs them there for moral support. She thinks that it will be the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her life. She thinks that they will be able to come over, get everything together, pack it up, and load it into a truck in one afternoon.

WRT to what she wanted in our marriage. She wanted a partner. An equal. She recognized that I did do many things right. She said that when we first got married she did feel like we were more equal. She thinks that when we moved the 2nd time that she felt like she had to worry about me. She thinks that her worries were justified because of my depression. She thinks that because I didn't have friends and didn't have work, that it somehow made me 'less than' in her eyes. She was very surprised to find out that people think she is shallow. She feels that they don't really know her. She was surprised to know that people have been picking up on her hostility towards me for a year now. She was surprised to know that even over xmas last year, people were asking my parents 'WTH is her problem...'

WRT to when she left. She says that the date (our anniversary) wasn't really something she planned on. She left because she felt like she was just wasting our time, and the point she felt like we would arrive at was inevitable. She agrees that if she could have predicted the consequences of her actions, she probably wouldn't have pursued them.

WRT to her confusion and guilt. She thinks that it may be true that she is beating herself up 'extra' to make herself feel better. Her IC thinks that she is doing so as well. She thinks that what she did is bad. She does not wish to lose me from her life although she also does not wish to stay with me. She feels like she abandoned me and worries about how I will get along w/o her.

When we were about to part ways, she made a face. I asked her what that was.. she said it doesn't matter. I said that I think it matters. She said 'I just feel sorry..' I asked her if she would like to talk about it at all or should I just get going.. she said 'i wouldn't know what to say..' I said 'okay'

I hope this is useful information. Maybe there is something in there that I am too close to and take for granted.