She is unhealthy. She has POOR self-image. She doesn't believe she deserves you. And you know what? She is right... because Mr Nine tails REFUSES to give her the opportunity to work FOR him and INSISTS on giving her his all for nothing.
Do you think people value what they get for free?
DAMN RIGHT ON THE MONEY Gnosis!!! Had you not said exactly this, I would have.
9, you gotta stop trying to fix the problem and let her do all the work here. Otherwise, she has nothing invested in this. She, then, can bail again down the road because it's not big deal to her. If you want to keep her long term this time, you've got to make her work for it.
And be prepared to for "I should just move the hell away" outbursts. Look at them as just another one of her many tests. Ignore it. Don't even give it credence. When she's mad, know this is working in your favor and as it forces her to work a little harder.
No pain, no gain, brother.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Did I miss something about her mother dying? (Memorial??) WTH? When? How? Sudden? What was their r like? I thought Country Song's FIL died...(Did both of your w's lose parents in the past 90 days? Sheesh...)
Anyhow, when she says "I should move the hell away", follow up with a rational question. First off, you know she's not exactly wrong. You DO live in small town and it has some major downsides including an all knowing and all UNforgiving public/peanut gallery...) And She has a lot of shame.
Second, she's giving a knee jerk reaction. Let it play out instead. Like saying, "really, like where?" and let her fantasy or tantrum follow through so she can see herself how great an idea it is. If it's crazy, she's going to realize that in time. If it's not so wacky, consider listening to her.
Finally, I wonder if there's a part of you that also is so used to crisis that you might find it a bit exciting. My h grew up in the military and then was a military doctor. We were always moving. And now that he's out he seems to chronically want to move again, despite having a d about to enter high school. He was yanking to move from the time he got out til now and he's still out of town 4 days a week.
It's unstable and when you are active duty, you deal with it. it IS exciting to move to a new place and "start fresh" but doing it every 2-3 years also prevents you from building long term R's as a kid. Our son has no friends from before 10th grade, yet I have many friends who are people I met by the age of 20 plus new ones, b/c I grew up in one place. There's a balance and cost benefit analysis to it of course. H has no idea how it feels like he's yanking out the floor from our kids when he fantasizes about a move. Wish he wouldn't blurt it out to d, let alone without talking to me first.
He seems to crave a new project of great importance (or lots of turmoil), and it is unsettling. I DO think it was a huge factor in his choices a few years back.
Your wife has this same problem, plus a medical condition that makes it chronic and pathological so you're dealing with it times 100.
For better or worse, You have become accustomed to that.
I'm pleased the OW wasn't a drama queen but I wonder if you are a tad addicted to your w's behavior...just curious as to your reaction to that.
Try to take it easy if you can. You deserve it. AND yes, you deserve a spouse who can freely choose to love you fully.
We all do.
If you find out that in the end, she's not capable or willing, no one will judge you for needing and wanting and seeking out, more...
Good luck, be good to yourself and your boys.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
9 has another thread now, "DBing be careful" (or words to that effect)
so go there for updates on the recent tragic events
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
9 has another thread now, "DBing be careful" (or words to that effect)
so go there for updates on the recent tragic events
The name of his new thread is "Be Careful DBing"...
although nothing that happened was due to his DBing,
Let's send some love 9's way.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
