Think I mighta screwed up again. I am not winning this week. I'm not about to quit, but I feel like I'm making things harder.. or pushing things a certain way. It might be good, it might not. I'm not sure.
W met me at a coffee shop to give me some mail and brought some tofu she had made.. we ended up hanging out for about an hour and a half talking about things... more R talk.
I kept my cool, and I kept myself collected. I kept calm. I didn't push blame. But I did state that things were what they were.
She brought up the idea of me going back to school - I pointed out that that wasn't really an option for me since I need to support myself financially and working part time isn't going to do that. I didn't say "this is all your fault" but I'm sure she can read between the lines and see that in a lot of ways, I'm f'd for the moment because she was the one earning the money, and I'm not in as good of a position. It is funny, because I can tell she feels very cr@ppy about this - I am in a position where I can't do the thing she would like me to do (and I would prefer to do), because she has created a situation where I don't have that as an option at the moment. At the same time, it is the kind of thing that she might feel was a pathway towards regaining whatever respect she feels that she lost for me.
At one point, she said how she feels like she has grown up a lot from this experience. How she made grown up mistakes and is having to make grown up decisions. I asked her what she meant.. she meant having an affair and deciding to get divorced were grown up mistakes/decisions. I probed this a little further.. asking her if she felt like getting a divorce always makes someone a grown up. I asked her if having affairs was a mature thing to do. I asked her if choosing to remain married is also a grown up decision. I asked her if she felt that getting married was a grown up decision.
She talked about how she needed her friends @ the apartment when she packed up and moved her stuff because it was going to be one of the hardest things she's ever had to do in her life, emotionally speaking. I said something to the extent of "Well it's what you want.. why would it be hard? I would think that you wouldn't have a hard time with it." I guess in a sadistic way I'm promoting whatever internal conflict she has going on - pointing out the paradox of saying "I want this" but also saying "having this is so hard for me." . I told her that despite what she says, I can only look at her actions and they send a clear message to me that she wants to be divorced and have me out of her life. She talked about how she doesn't want me out of her life and I again pointed out that inevitably I will be because I do not want to experience that pain.
At one point I told her that she had never actually told me what she wanted in our marriage. She said she wanted a partner - an equal, and that she didn't feel like I was those things. I disputed this on a variety of levels. I pointed out that I am a valuable person and have contributed a lot to our M and that many of the things she felt she was doing well were largely situational. I pointed out that every time I tried to improve my life this past year she would cut my legs out from underneath me by dropping another bomb in my lap. I told her I wonder if she really wanted me to improve or just wanted me to look good to the extent that it reflected well on her. And I also pointed out that in a lot of people's eyes, they wondered about why I married someone who seemed very shallow to them. This wasn't a nice thing to say - I'm sure it hit her right square in her sense of reflected self.. worrying about what people think of her.. I didn't say it meanly, just in the context of questioning the notion of 'equals' - how it might mean something very different depending on how you compare it.
I should have just reflected that one back to her and asked her to expand on it.. she would have inevitably stumbled over her own words.
She said that she left when she did because she felt like she was going to end up at the same point down the road and didn't want to waste our time. I pointed out that there is no way she could have predicted that, anymore than she could have predicted the consequences of her other choices over the past year.
She again brought up her confusion and guilt I told her it seems to me like she is being self-flagellating and perhaps making herself feel better by punishing herself. I suggested that perhaps beyond the point where she learns something and changes it, she might be engaging in a bit of masochism.
I don't know what the heck is wrong with me lately. I mean, I'm not raising my voice, or even trying to control her thoughts. I'm being very clear about what is my viewpoint and what is hers. But I feel like I'm slding back in some way.. I'm not even entirely sure where or how, but I feel like I am. Maybe I just need to go more dark.. I feel like the conversations aren't bad, they are thoughtful and respectful, but am I pushing her? am I encouraging her to leave? Maybe she really is willing to have me out of her life if thats what it takes to be D. I don't like to believe that, but I guess I need to accept that as very possible truth. Discomfort.
Wow. I think this is phenomenal and shows your integrity.
And this is where I get confused about DBing - b/c if you were to go all dark here and not talk and let her come to you, etc. you might get more of the same - someone who is really not looking straight at what the issues are and I think you are presenting them to her logically and clearly rather than leaving things vague and blurry where - possibly - there is more sense of (albeit vague) hope.
You are being VERY brave. You are being confrontational, but not in a bad way.
I don't sense she is strong enough to take on what you are saying, though. If she is, then I think you will have your wife back in the way you want. Something real. Someone who isn't just thinking of herself. And if she is not. Do you want her back? I mean - you don't have to answer that, and I'm sorry to put it that way, but ...
I want my BF but I want him to show some intergrity and some self-reflection. I think he does, but he is wayward/lost ... and I'm not confronting him right now the way you are - I'm leaving that to our new MC b/c I just think he takes it better from someone other than me - he has lost respect for me and I seem to have lost credibility so he wouldn't want to hear this from me. He'd react badly.
I think what you're doing is again, very brave, and not wishy-washy. I think she'll respect you for this. You are fearless right now - facing the "truth" of the situation and not letting her slide it this way and that.
