Is filing for D a 180?

[25yearsmlc]

hi there,

sorry this stinks so much for you. You're still new to this in that you are still "Discovering" hurtful things, so it's very fresh.

I think seeing him daily is extremely difficult and stressful. It also doesn't give him time to miss anyone and puts you in the position of having to deal with him on a daily basis. Wouldn't it be nice to know for a few days you were NOT going to have to face him?

Plus it makes your changes easier to make and then more noticeable for him, I think.


Try to imagine your life without him but b/c he died. Imagine some time had passed and you had grieved enough to move on. Imagine you are happy, and how that looks. WHat are you doing? Who are you with? Where do you live and which new activities might you have taken up? Get detailed and visualize this...

Now see that the difference is that he left you and you feel rejected by him and that's why you are having a harder time imagining a happy future. But that's ego.

Hey, we all have them! Egos are real and not to be trifled with. But they are also things we can learn to manage. You have to remove that aspect from your take on the situation.

So, if you are going to measure your own happiness or misery, by what HE is doing (or what you imagine him doing)

then your happiness will be controlled, exclusively, by him (or your perception of that). Do NOT Allow that. Be in charge of your own happiness and model that for your kids. They're watching you more than you realize.


So don't let what HE is doing determine your happiness. This means boundaries.

Such as maybe He gets the kids one day a week and it's a set day unless he gives you 24 hour notice. If that fails, you note it and tell the L.

This will matter financially.


I agree he still seems to want it both ways. Feels some guilt but is mega selfish right now. The movie thing and ignoring his time with the kids...wow, yes that would infuriate me.

But showing HIM your anger only makes it easier for him to leave/stay away.

FWIW, not all dads are great dads. If your h was an involved dad who played with the kids or coached or was "into them", the type that my h was/is (when he wasnt away) made me realize he would miss the kids.

And he did. I could not always tell b/c he did not talk to them each day but I believe that he ached for them but YET he also stayed away, (mostly) for 2 years. For his "task"... very hard to decipher but I knew it was out of character by a long shot.

Today it's like he wants 24/7 time with them and frankly it's annoying. God forgive me for saying that, but it's true. It's as if he wants to make up for his absence, and he does, but now they're older and don't feel as interested and he can get demanding about what activity to do or too pushy, etc. ANd he gets angry when we are not all on board with his plans.
Constantly wants "family time" and I have been with the d14 (we're close but still) all day so um, I want a warm bath and a place to read...ya know?


My oldest brother (I have 5 brothers) is the opposite. He had ONE child whom he seemed to adore, but after the divorce he instigated from a great first wife whom we all loved, he moved away 500 miles for a job. He'd fly up to see his d but always managed other business meetings too....(BTW, the ex wife, the former sil of mine, is still close to me. And she is happier now with her new man of 10 years, than she ever would've been with my brother. Truly. Her "new man" was far more of a dad to her daughter than my brother was, So go figure.)

At another niece's wedding, I toasted a different brother, for being such an involved father, for really "showing up" for his child and I toasted who his daughter had become. You know, The older brother did not seem to notice a thing... it will NOT occur to HIM, that he was an absentee father. And guess what?

That oldest brother remarried 6 years ago and he's 57 y/o now and HIS new wife (of 6 years) is pregnant with their first child.


And what is my oldest brother, the absentee father doing with his second chance? Well, he's volunteering for his 5th SOLO assignment overseas. Yep. He's getting a 2nd chance at fatherhood and still blowing it. The rest of us, his siblings, just stare at him...what's to say? He isn't into it. Sorry...and yes his new wife was warned, trust us. it's her first and only child so I wish her and the baby well but she's essentially going to be a single parent. Sad but true. My dad wasn't that involved with us as he worked a lot and read all the time at home.

But he was home...

so I can't even explain my oldest brother to you...but if your h isn't the giving, playing on the floor type, then he isn't...

Maybe seeing your h's flaws as they are, will help you with detachment.

Detaching is a huge step you have to take so his actions don't affect you so much. Besides, you assume his times away from home are all fun. At some level you know what he is missing even if he doesnt. But a lot of men react to guilt with anger at the cause of it. Remember that. Guilting him will backfire on you.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters when they don't know what they are missing. They don't know what they don't know. But we do. We get so much out of participating in our children's lives than they will or can ever know. Someday when your child marries, your h will show up and ponder...

if you get a chance watch Last Chance Harvey and listen to his toast at the end, at his daughter's wedding. I found it bittersweet and touching (and not a comedy btw...) It's like he finally got it, almost too late. And he realized that the stepfather was the "real dad" even though he adored his daughter. His job was too big in his life.


Back to you-
I know that Setting/enforcing the boundaries (without anger) will help you a ton with this. Tell him when/where he gets the kids and if he blows it, let it go.

He'll pay more money and look like a jerk in court. Try to protect the kids from having too many dashed expectations. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

It's a start.

Good luck!