Life, the Universe and DBing

[LearningPatience]

CS, I'll be honest that when I see you've responded, I get nervous I think you've made some very good points below, thanks! Realize that I'm a bright person, but I can also be very dense, so I don't always pick up on what you are trying to say... I think I did here.

Should I just completely cut myself off from my group of friends? Stop going out?

No, not at all. I just suggest seperating things. From my experience, there are always sub groups within a group of friends. Some you are closer to than others. "True" friends and "buddies."

My advice, your "true" friends would completely understand wanting to seperate from W and OM, and you could schedule your own time together.

The interesting thing is, other than W and OM last night, the people that were out *are* the ones who schedule separate outings. Not always, but often enough that I can go a few weeks without running into W or OM. I do appreciate that about them.

I think in a way both W and I use this common Wednesday bar night to show that we're doing fine and will go where we want to whether the other is there or not. Yes, very mature of both of us. There are times when maybe 3 people show up, other times we've had 15 or more. So when we do have the large groups I get to talk to people I haven't seen in a while. It's a risk that sometimes pays off, sometimes not.

OM won

He won? Is this how you really look at it?

Frustration. I really like J3B's quote "Today is not the day I give up." I need to remind myself of that when I feel like this. If anything, W lost

I told her exactly why I went dark too.

Why did you?

To recenter and regroup myself. To save the good feelings and love I have for her and help me heal. It worked. I may have been a bit down last night and this morning, but it's *tons* better than I was even two months ago. I was very angry and was close to saying F it all and probably ruining *any* possibility of R.

but it still made her angry

Why do you think it made her angry?

Not entirely sure, and I'm not entirely sure who or what she is angry with. Me, maybe. Herself, probably. The world, definitely.

W has been seeing an IC now for two years. She has a lot of deep-seated issues she has been dealing with; being adopted, having a baby at 18, not experiencing the young adulthood most of us do, her D being molested by her (SD's) F, and dealing with my depression and suicide attempt. And those are just the things she has told me about (or I experienced with her) through the years. Like I said, she's angry at the world.

As for anger towards me at going dark, I don't know. It may be frustration that she's not controlling the sitch, anger at herself for potentially losing me or who knows. Insights?

Right now I feel like I'm playing a game I can't win.

It is not a game.

No, it's not. But that's how it feels from time to time.

You know, it *feels* a little bit like W is trying to open up a little to me in her own way. I don't know. I don't think, at this time, that I need to be dark for my own protection. That can always change.

So anyhow, a few short answers I could probably say much more, but after deleting a long post yesterday I think this is good for now!