It's life, but not as I knew it (HOswald, part 3)

[wawinla]

So all that is good... but none of it involves fixing my marriage, which probably means I've given up trying, and that's sad. It's just that I don't know what I could possibly do; I'm doing great work on myself, but I can't make my W care about that.

Hos:

I'm glad you're hanging in there. I identify with your situation. There's nothing we can do, so we must focus on our lives and GAL.

It's a little harsh to say you aren't trying. You're trying when your GAL. Alas, since your WAW isn't communicating beyond D matters, there isn't a lot of active opps.

It's good that school started, getting back into a routine will hopefully make things easier.

Hang in there!

[hoswald]

Little steps for me, I suppose... had another interaction with my lawyers, which usually plunges me into a spiral, but actually just didn't bother me much. Had a great couple nights dancing and am spending more time with friends, and all that is good (in fact I'm spending so much time on GAL activities that it's actually tiring me and I may have to scale back!

'course, had a dream about W last night for the first time in months, in which she told me all about the fun she was having as a single woman. Thanks, brain. Totally needed that. Heh. Very exasperating.

[wawinla]

H:

How are you?

--A

[hoswald]

Hey, Wawinla--

I'm... really good actually, as evidenced by not updating this thread constantly.

Don't get me wrong--if I allow myself the luxury of misery, I can easily get sad, or angry, or bitter. And more of that is coming, as legal proceedings continue (negotiation should be by end of this month), and if I make the mistake of checking on my STBX's phone logs and such.

So I just don't think about it. And then life is actually pretty good; I love my job and house and friends, I'm keeping active and learning new things, dressing better, getting in even better shape, and all those good recovery things. I can see a fun-ish dating future ahead should I choose that route, and know that I will be able to love again, though the legal construct of marriage now offends me, that I can lose so much by being a good husband.

Having said all that... this is such a senseless tragedy, and I wish like hell that it wasn't happening. It's completely unnecessary and I will never understand why, but then I don't need to know in order to move forward.

No word, sight, or sound from STBX for the past few months; the only hint that shows she exists is that when I transfer money into her maintenance account, it vanishes a few days later.

[wawinla]

Hos:

I'm glad you're doing well...it's encouraging to see you moving forward.

Hang in there when the legal stuff kicks in...that's no fun. My sitx is heading to the attorney phase, WAW has engaged one, so I have no other choice. I didn't want it, but it is what is now.

Best wishes on your new journal...you're doing terrific!

[hoswald]

> WAW has engaged one, so I have no other choice. I didn't want it, but it is what is now.

Yep, that's what happened here. She started by saying "it won't be a big deal; [our friends] got a divorce and just did it with a mediator; it didn't cost them more than $700 and there's no reason it should for us either.

And then AS SOON as I showed any resistance at all to one of her demands: "I can tell we just don't see eye to eye on anything at all; expect to hear from my attorney."

So the massive maintenance I'm paying (about $2500/mo) is basically to fund the attorney so that she can make more from the settlement. It's a great "cut me a switch to beat you with" situation, even aside from the "do it for $700... no, just kidding, let's make that $5,000/person" decision.

I'm very disappointed in her. Very, very disappointed.

[wawinla]

Hos:

<And then AS SOON as I showed any resistance at all to one of her demands: "I can tell we just don't see eye to eye on anything at all; expect to hear from my attorney.>

My WAW is coming over this weekend, I expect the conversation will go along that lines too.

It's all very disappointing indeed. Alas you are doing what needs to get done for you. Be strong and that the valleys are not as deep as they once were!

[hoswald]

In possibly the most bizarre moves, partially because they seem so innocuous, my STBX (who raved that she never wanted to live with anyone again so she could "be her own person" just moved in with a (female) friend (I don't suspect any sort of romantic relationship, but you never know). So okay, that's not that bizarre (unless you'd been subjected to her "and I'll never marry anyone again and never live with anyone again" rants).

The innocuous-but-bizarre bit is that she contacted my sister with a message to the effect that she'd been avoiding contact but hoped it didn't have to be forever. This is notable because my sister cares so much for me that she literally flew across the world (she works in Bosnia) to help clean up the mess my STBX left behind, and because my sister is well known for nursing grudges until they die of old age and then having them stuffed and mounted so she can enjoy them in perpetuity. No WAY anyone who knows my sister at all would imagine she would forgive something like this. I'm curious to see the response.

STBX is living in a very powerful reality distortion field. Very curious to see how negotiation works. Did find some research on the subject of the spouses who support a spouse through advanced degrees expecting to enjoy the benefits of a higher-paid spouse getting recompensed if the supported spouse left the marriage before the supporting spouse received any benefit, and I'm hoping for something in that regard. If she claims she is owed half my pension for her "emotional support", it would be bloody nice if I got something for my emotional support, food, lodging, and tens of thousands of dollars of tuition. Just sayin'.

[greenblue90]

Sounds like WAW idealism is giving way to reality, and practical concerns. Don't be shocked at the amount of energy she will spend convincing everyone this is what she wants. Also I'd expect the money fight to become more vicious. Protect yourself, ask what is fair, defend yourself graciously if that makes any sense.

[gunny]

hoswald,
Sorry to hear of your predicament, just know that there are others like you out here who are pulling for you. Keep up the work on you, we have no choice, right?
Gunny