Right now, things are really bumpy! One day W does something that encourages me, then the next day things look cold and dismal again. I am guessing that the relationship is fitful because:
a) I am looking at everything so closely, seeking progress, that each event looks monumental
b) Things are actually starting to change, and change causes discomfort/upheaval.
Probably a little bit of both. The problem with b) is that I am having nervous stomach. Things may be changing, but now I am scared of that unknown outcome of the change. Part of me is saying, "Oh, $%!*, what have I done." I guess it's funny about human nature...we have a tendency to desire what is familiar, even if it is miserable.
Totally botched up last night. W was mapping out her course to go visit her brother (leaving tomorrow), and was working on that for hours. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I asked her if she was almost done (don't know why, as I usually don't do that - just tell her I'm going to bed, and good night). She REALLY snapped at me, saying it wasn't my business, why don't I leave her alone, if I want to go to bed, just go, etc. Where I really messed it up was that I got defensive - not as bad as I used to i.e. losing my temper, etc. Initially I was calm, and said, "Have you known me, lately to hesitate to go to bed without you?" She kept yelling and I, while never really feeling angry, kept answering her back for several exchanges, my voice probably as loud as hers. Yesterday I was having trouble finding a "more of the same" behavior that I could "180." Now, I guess I've found it. Hope I can remember next time it happens.
My son, my oldest, was in the next room, and when he heard he walked quickly up the stairs. He is almost 17, and got pretty upset by it (he has Asperger's, too). I went up and comqforted him, reminded him not to take this on his shoulders, as this was W and my responsibility, our problem. I told him that we were having a hard time right now. I also told him it will get better.
I am determined to have it get better. I refuse to live with tension and hostility the rest of my life.
I know W wants to be happy with me - that would be her top choice - if she hasn't lost hope. I just have to focus on the interactions between us, make them more pleasant.
And to do that, I HAVE to drop the rope! I can't let her tension and irritability dictate my mood. I have to be separate from her.
Lots of work to do today. Will check back in when I can.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
