My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Despite today's event I had a pretty decent day today.

We were both given papers to fill out for our mediation coming up next Wednesday. This past Monday, she told me that she would send me a list of all of her debt so I could fill out my share of the paperwork. I waited all day Tuesday and never got it. Today I got a copy of her papers in the mail and it didn't even have her debt listed! It was a court order that she supply it. I honestly believe that she thinks that she is above the law. Sometimes I think that this has a lot to do with money. I get the feeling that she wants to be debt free and is going to throw as much onto me as she can.

I know that I have changed just by my response today. When I got the paper in the mail, it really p!ssed me off. I was so close to sending her a really nasty text. I almost did it. Finally I thought to myself "why bother?" It wouldn't do any good. I didn't send the text. The "old" me would have. THAT my friends is a positive change. Now I'm like "whatever. It is what it is."

I have not spoken to her for a few days and I'm hoping that I don't anytime soon.

AJ, you said:

She is lost and confused regardless of how "sure" she seems of herself.

Yeah, she does seem sure that she really wants a D, but on the other hand, I can also see how confused and lost she is. She does some really weird stuff. She says some pretty strange stuff as well. I can get so depressed about her being so sure of things, but then I'll read something that convinces me she is crazy. It almost makes me feel a little better about myself if I believe that she is sick and has this crazy thing we call MLC. I just hope that she comes out of it someday.

The anger that she shows towards me is just unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it. I'm sure a lot of you on this board know exactly what I am talking about. It really is vicious. I guess it makes sense though because I think that I read on Heartsblessing's thread that Replay and Anger can overlap. I've never seen so much anger from anyone. It makes my jaw drop sometimes when I experience it. I almost feel sorry for her. It must really be terrible walking around that angry all the time.

I wish my job would hurry up and start. It is going to be hard work, but I'm looking forward to it. I need to move forward with my life and get this crap off of my mind. Need to be occupied. I'm starting to get anxious to start work and move to a new place with my boys. I can not tell you how much closer we are now. That is probably the best thing that has come out of this so far. I almost feel like thanking her. Matter of fact, last night at about 3am, S18 comes into my bedroom to see if I was awake. We ended up talking about all sorts of things for over an hour. I'm glad that he knows he can come talk to me and shoot the bull with me. I don't think that would have ever happened before all of this crap started. The boys and I have really great relationships these days. I think it might be because even though this has almost killed me, I'm doing my best to keep things normal for them. I also feel bad for W because I know how much she is missing out on with our boys.

I had a lot of old memories flood my mind today. They make me happy, but they also make me very very sad.

Nothing else much to report except..........

TOMORROW IS LITTLE FRIDAY!

Have a good one.

Tad