OnMyWay: to the next phase.

[OnMyWay]

AJM80, thanks for checking in.

I don't really have any updates - all just supposition, really, which isn't worth anything. W has pulled back also. She no longer stays for "family time" or the occasional dinner. Seems to be moving on, yet still contradicts herself all the time. Says things like "I don't want to be in a committed relationship,' and in a different sentence, "I still 'feel' like your wife.'" Doesn't feel she can be with me, but is scared to get a divorce. She tried to tell me she no longer has much of a party life any more - whatever - that was a big issue in our break up.

She does text me from time to time to converse - we keep it mostly to electronic forms of communication. Seems like she's kind of testing to see where I'm at, I suppose. Last time, she was telling me she's thinking of moving out of state. She asks if I'm having "relations" with other women. I don't give up any info and she usually breaks off the conversation out of frustration, so I'm not sure if she is waiting for me to move on with another woman, thereby releasing her from her self-perceived obligations, or if it makes her mad I am no longer trying to get her back. Sometimes I have the impression she is waiting for me to have sex with another woman, as if the score would be even and we would then be on a level playing field, which is completely insane. I did get feedback from a mutual friend that she was angry, but it's not a reliable source, so who knows. Besides, I'm tired of my friends bringing it up - it's like they are more upset about it than I am. I don't wanna hear about it.

All this actually keeps us from parenting together anymore. We now parent separately and her parenting is quite limited. I find she just likes to complain when things aren't up to her "standards," yet doesn't participate with any constructive response. She keeps talking about the day when she will be primary parent again.

Regardless of all this, it does feel to me like she is making "moves." I feel her changes. I'm just unsure what she is trying to accomplish - perhaps I'm just not paying attention, idk. One thing is for sure, I don't really trust her and keep myself very guarded. She could be trying to find a way back, or she could be getting ready to surprise me with papers. I can't tell, and don't plan on wasting any time trying to figure it out, as my life has improved tremendously. I'm out of debt, have great friends, have few expectations, and finally enjoy everyday. I'm not all that motivated to get back in the trenches with her. My life has improved.

One thing I do know with regard to your guilt/fear comments: fear is a major motivator for her. She stated before that she doesn't want to put herself in a position where she can get hurt again. This confirms your previous comments about a woman's need to feel "safe." Also, she says that she just doesn't understand how I would ever be able to trust her again. To me, this is all a cop out as it puts the responsibility of our relationship squarely on my shoulders - as if not hurting and trusting are all my problem. I know I hurt her during the period of time where we were fighting. I admit that I said things that were spiteful and painful. It was inexcusable. I own that - undeniably so. But, she has yet to take responsibility for any of her own actions. She'll "share" in the over-all blame ("it took two of us to get here"), but won't take ownership any of what she's done. Like electricity, she will take the path of least resistance rather than put forth any real effort to handle the problems. She would rather loose the once beautiful relationship she loved so much than risk failure.

It's actually feel very bad for her and she knows it, actually commenting once that she felt I pity her in a way. I try not to show it, but when I am removed from the switch, I do pity her and all she walked away from.

Kind of a long-winded diatribe to say nothing is happening, but still dark, still GAL, and still waiting for some sort of resolution.