Just Be

[Denver_2010]

Questions for you:

RE: "I am at a point in my sitch where I need to let things rest and just be..."

1. What SPECIFIC things are you going to STOP doing to achieve that?

I have to stop worrying about what my w is doing or not doing. Let her live her life, while I live mine. Open the cage. The adage... "If you love someone, set them free... If they return..." well, that is the question... and the answer.

RE: "I must let my W go for now..."

2. How are you going to do that?

I am removing myself from my W's life. She must travel the path that she is choosing without me. I won't be a part of some of those choices.

RE: "I need to stop having contact with my W in order to do this..."

3. What methods of communication will you be using from now on?

I plan to go pretty dark. I will not initiate contact except as necessary for bills and possibly, SS. I will respond to contact that she initiates, but when it is convenient for me. I will no longer jump when I see her number on my phone.

RE: "I will use this time to try to learn more about myself..."

4. How are you going to learn about yourself?

Thinking. Lots of thinking. I have been doing this over the past several days. I've identified a couple of issues that I am trying to address specifically. Control and Fear (which I believe is an outgrowth from my control issues).

RE: "Who I am..."

5. Who ARE you? What are your values?

I am a man who lost himself over the past 15-20 years. A man who forgot his inner child... who let his ego overwhelm him... who got lost in the career and the expectations and requirements of that career... some of this I have recaptured over the past 9 months... some I am still working on. I am loyal to my friends to a fault. I am a man who would take a bullet for those he loves... friends and family. I am competitive to a fault. I will fight tooth and nail to win a battle or competition. I do not give up. I love animals and the world that we live in. I cry in sad movies... or even inspirational movies. I worked my entire life to get to a point where I could provide for a W and a family. I am a man who has made many mistakes in the past 15 years. I love my daughter... but due the circumstances that I played a part in, I am unable to be the father that I'd like to be. I am a man who my parents raised. Damaged by their mistakes. Determined to no longer repeat those mistakes. I am a serious man... wanting, and finally trying, to be more fun loving. I want to stop always looking at my destination ... and learn to enjoy the trip. I need to be me... and stop worrying about what others expect from me. The ego... my pride... have been my enemies for years.... I did not recognize this... they helped me succeed in school, career, with women... but they have been my ultimate downfall. I want to appreciate what I have in my life... and not desire that which I don't have. I am loyal, smart, loving... capable of romance... but also capable of being complacent... confident, driven... someone with a dry sense of humor... I procrastinate. I can't dance... and I am usually afraid to try if I haven't had a few drinks. I love my 2 dogs like they are my children. I enjoy weekend mornings with a coffee and a newspaper. I protected my heart 15 years ago by closing it off... but am learning how to open myself up. I no longer want to be afraid of real emotional intimacy. I like my personal space. I am independent. I like alone time. I love spending time with my group of friends whom I've known since 3rd grade. But.. I now want to share my life with a partner. I never viewed my W as a true partner. I want that. I seek to control the environment around me... probably bc my family circumstances made me feel that my childhood was so out of control. I had to grow up too quickly. I began to take life too seriously. I want to learn... how to enjoy life more. I've wasted too much time.

RE: "I will use this time to look at what I want for my life..."

6. How?

^^^^^

RE: "What traits do I want in the person who I am with..."

If you don't know who you are, what you want and where you're going, how do you expect to recognize yourself? Know if what you have is what you want AND even know if you've reached your destination.

RE: "I need to figure these things out in my head and in my heart..."

To do that you need space. LOTS of it. If you can afford it, go away somewhere for at least ONE week. Don't tell anyone where you're going -- especially your WW. Give your contact details to ONE trusted person only and explicit instructions to only contact you in case of a BIG emergency. Then sit your @SS down and figure out some of these questions.

A man without a plan is a man adrift in the ocean and waiting for a wind to blow him in whatever direction it blows. (And the wind never blows in a single direction constantly)