Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

Well Shoot.

WAW just left. We had a .. touching discussion for about an hour. There were some tears on both of our parts. I fear maybe it got too emotional. I don't know. I never really let myself tear up or cry when we were together, so maybe its kind of a 180... BUT I did not lose myself in terms of who I want to be and what I want and think. At least, I dont think I did..

Somehow, in discussing the division of property, she stated that she thought I was being diplomatic, and that I was holding back on her emotionally. I told her I'm sorry if she feels that way and I don't know exactly how, but this turned into a discussion about feelings and I basically asserted that I want to be happy, I want her to be happy and if not having me in her life makes her happy, then I'll be okay and I'm sure she will too. I meant this - but I kind of think it probably isn't the best thing to say to her.

I suggested that she take the wedding photos and give them to her parents, as they paid for the photographer. She questioned whether I was sure about that.. I told her yes - I've had 2 months to think about it and do not want them. I mean this.

I said something a little snarky at one point about how she could have the bed but I'm taking the comforters.. how the summer one I bought for her (she was sleeping in the other room and complaining that it was cold) but obviously that didn't work out too well. Ooops...

She said she has a lot of doubts and worries. I told her that from my perspective, it seems like she knows exactly what she wants and is pursuing it intently. I didn't say this with any meanness, just that it looks like she does know what she wants.

She is still going with this thing of not forgiving herself and not liking the person she thinks she became. She says she doesn't forgive herself for the A, and doesn't forgive herself for leaving me. I told her that she can't undo the A, and leaving me is her choice. She seems to be fixated on the idea of worrying about me and worrying about if I'm okay. I don't get it - grrr..

Somehow we talked about being around one another and I said I understand if she is uncomfortable around me.. she asked me if I was uncomfortable around her. I said not really, although sometimes I get anxious beforehand. This is true - I like being around her and I have always loved talking with her. I think her discomfort comes from guilt and for whatever reason, she doesn't seem to get it.

She told me she feels like she is going to lose me forever. I told her that she will, because that is what she is doing - by divorcing me, it is saying "I don't want you in my life anymore." So she is losing me - but its more like she is walking away from me. I told her that it is hard for me too and that there are many times I've wanted to look at her FB profile or call her up just to chat. Then I said something along the lines of "but I guess it isn't really hard, it's hard because I make it hard for myself by wanting things that aren't mine to have"

She did her "you are so kind and generous, smart... blahblahblah" routine. I responded with "I'm also selfish, insecure, shy, impatient, lazy,... I'm a whole lot of things and I'm sure that I'll never be done learning to be the person I would like to be." I'm just sick of her saying this stuff as if she actually believed it.. if I was really that awesome - would she have left me?

I told her "I've always believed in the good in you, and it's what I've always loved.. you also have a lot of cr@ppy things in you and I've always tried to overlook that.. you're human.."

I feel like I got dangerously close to trying to manipulate her emotions.. rather than let her deal with how she felt, telling her she had good in her and stuff.. am I doing more than I really should be in there? I can't be responsible for soothing her guilt over her affair and all the lies she told.. I feel like I stepped over the line.. perhaps not as bad as I could have, but still. It isn't a favor to take responsibility for her dealing with her issues.

She is going to be coming over next Friday to pack stuff up and put it in storage. I am not looking forward to that experience but I will need to be prepared as possible. Good sleep, emotional homeostasis, visualization. Strong distractions...

2x4 to your heart's content, my well-meaning friends.. I'm going to go put some ice packs in the freezer.