Possible WAW to Piecing? (Part 2)

[rh24]

Well we're not going to punish our daughter for all this - she worked hard and really wants to play on that team.

The guy is out of the picture - she's not contacting him, she did once in a drunken FB post on June 4th she said "Miss you." and he did not reply. True it [censored] that he's 'still around'.

Sounds like I just need to give up.

[sandi2]

Some part of me thinks that MIGHT be a good thing to do, but mostly it seems like it would be a nail in the coffin. Maybe I'd be better off either way. Limbo sure [censored].

Now listen, that is not how you handle this situation. You have been saying from the get-go that you are tempted to talk to her, and that's a big no-no. It doesn't do anything but make matters worse.

Stop feeling this way b/c you cannot operate out of emotions....and that's what you are feeling right now.

Yes, you can be the man that draws her away from OM, but I am not going to lie and tell you that it doesn't require a lot of hard work. Right now, she's not willing to be willing. Is that reason for you to give up? That's up to you, and what "giving up" looks like to you. What are you calling giving up?

[rh24]

I don't WANT to give up on our M. But I just want a LITTLE HOPE.

To me 'giving up' would be saying "If you aren't willing to put any effort at all into working on our M, then you should just go."

[sandi2]

Good lord, you are forcing me to give you a pep talk!

Get over yourself! (That's my pep talk.)

If she could hear you talk like this, it would really turn her ice cold! This is not attractive! That is why DBers are told to act up-beat b/c those are the type people everyone like to be around, especially a WAW.

[rh24]

Upbeat - got it.

And I'll keep looking for my own signs of hope (in secret of course).

One 'hope' I have now...she told me early last week that she does NOT believe my changes and that they don't seem natural. I've been working to be more natural, yet 'upbeat'.

Thanks!

[sandi2]

Your hope can come from believing in yourself. Belive that you can become the man you want to be. If that man is the same one who can draw her back into the MR, then wonderful. However, if the new man you become is a man you really respect and even like....then isn't that what you would seek?

If I had not been through some of this mess myself, and know that it is possible....I wouldn't waste my time. But I know it is possible. I know she can have love restored in her heart. It can happen! You have to let up on the pressure before both of you have a heart attack.

Try to do like the folks at AA, and just get through a day at a time without having a R talk. Okay? ((hugs))

((((BIG HUGS))))

[rh24]

Yay - now I feel good!

I'm all about 'fixing me' - there's a LOT that was broken and much that still is. That is my main focus and I hope that our M can survive too, but I realize it may not.

[rh24]

Don't feel good now, that's for sure!

Crap - BAD night last night.

Feels like the nail in the coffin W has been waiting for.

We were having a good night, hanging out talking W, MIL and me. Daughter was nearby in and out of the kitchen.

D is not into physical affection at all. Not a hugger / kisser for sure.

At some point during the conversation, I made a comment that my mom (who died 15 years ago) would never have taken 'no' for an answer and would have given her hugs and kisses all the time.

Apparently MIL took GREAT offense to this. She kept going on and on about all the things she has done for D and S. I honestly wasn't sure where it was coming from. Had NO CLUE it was connected to my comment.

40 mins later W and I are in bed and she tells me "You know, you REALLY pissed mom off with your comment." I was dumbfounded. I said I meant NOTHING at all by the comment, it was only a pleasant memory of how my mom was.

W kept on about how it was crappy, that I was trying to say my mom would have been better to the kids. HOLY CRAP!

I told W that I meant nothing of the sort and that I'm sorry they both took it that way, but that the problem was in their interpretation of what I said. I had no such intent behind the statement and the fact that they took it wrong doesn't make me a bad person.

The whole time W just keeps telling me to shut up and to 'stop shouting' - I was speaking a basic normal volume, which may be a little loud when lying in bed together, but far from shouting.

W just kept telling me to drop it. THEN she started laughing at me saying that I 'sound like a text book' and that everything I say is straight from therapy.

I honestly don't know if I can live with someone who WANTED me to go to therapy then RIDICULES me for trying to apply what I'm learning in therapy. How cruel is that?

I pushed the conversation too far - should have dropped it. W got up to go sleep in son's room as he had a sleepover with a friend. I made the bad move of following her, trying to continue the discussion. Then she doubled back to our room and started to shut the door to keep me out of our bedroom.

I grabbed the door before she could shut it - we both pushed against it for a second, then she let go and I accidentally slammed the door into the wall, making a small hole where the door lock hit.

Then she hit me once and scratched my arm (not too bad, but I took a picture later). After this I kind of 'got in her face' - not threatening her, but rather holding out my face as she was standing there with clenched fists and I said "Go ahead, hit me!"

Then D and MIL came out of their room to see what had happened. Not fun discussion ensued. W was telling not 100% accurate story. I only said I didn't want to be locked out of bedroom is why it happened.

I then told MIL I was sorry for how she took my comment - this was while W locked herself in our bedroom. After a while of discussion with MIL, W came out. Some highlights were MIL saying, "You can't control how she feels." I said, "I don't want to be a part-time parent." MIL said, "Well maybe she does." I just said "It's a damn shame." W said "What is?" I said the whole situation. W said "Yeah, that you didn't realize what you had!".

Discussion ended after 20 minutes or so I guess. W slept in son's bed since he was gone. She asked if I was going to sleep in son's bed and I said "No, I'm ok - it's fine, let's just go to bed." She wasn't having any of that, so she took son's bed. I have no intention of giving up the bedroom! I'm already completely locked out of her heart.

I still can't believe she would be so friggin' mean to basically make fun of me for 'sounding like a textbook'. Crap.

I know I got reactive - that screwed the whole situation up.

I feel like that's the end of it all. I guess I see soon enough.

[MHL]

rh,

Man you are spinning HARD. (that is, spinning out of control)

You are right where I was almost 2 years ago to the date.

You have got to get a hold of yourself......NOW.

I will tell you that if this thing started at the end of March and you guys are in the same bed up until last night......then that is HOPE right there.

Most are sleeping in separate rooms by now.

There is much that I can say to you but will have to wait until later.

You are wanting to throw in the towel if you do not see some improvement or hear that she wants to work on things or whatever.......

the problem is that you do not really want to throw in the towel...........

It takes a lot longer for you to get to the point where you really want to throw in the towel.........trust me I know, I said the same things and I was no where near giving up.

I will tell you that you have the best expert here on these boards posting to you about what your W is feeling right now.

Sandi knows because she was in the same place as your wife.

Right now you can not possibly do anything to help your marriage because you are on the emotional rollercoaster.

This thing is going to take TIME, a very, very long time you will realize this as time passes.......the thing is that as the time passes you start to calm down.

I will post more later.....just a few questions.

Has she filed for divorce?

Has she mentioned separation?

Does she work, do you work, does she have a plan of escape??

Hope this helps

Cheers

[rh24]

MHL - thank you!

Has she filed for divorce?
-- No, but after last night I'm thinking it's coming sooner than later!

Has she mentioned separation?
-- Not directly. She's hinted at it. Back in early April I offered to move out (stupid, yes - I know that now) and she resisted. Then two weeks ago an R talk broke out and I told her she should just go, but I later backed off that and so did she.

Does she work, do you work, does she have a plan of escape??
- I make 80% of our household income. She owns a business that is tied to our 2nd mortgage and she would need to sell it in a D. She has a 'pie in the sky' plan of escape - she thinks about getting a 'real job', but hasn't pursued it yet.

Just yesterday we were talking about getting her a new car, then last night happens. I don't know what she's thinking about that now. The new car we're looking at is something she could pretty much flat out not afford on her own, even if I got brutalized on alimony and support - which I expect would be the case.