...so...I'm so very tempted to talk to W about how I feel regarding our non-communication during the day. It's either that...or I just try to get some communication going with her...I know it has to be 'light', but I hate not talking AT ALL during the day.
...of course, maybe leaving her alone is actually the best thing to do for things right now...dunno, very hard and confusing.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
HOW CAN I WORK ON BEING READY TO VALIDATE W WHEN THE TIME ARISES??? (sorry for SHOUTING!)
I feel like I've missed out on some opportunities lately and I do not know how to work on / practice this. That's why I was going to start seeing a 2nd therapist, to focus on this. How can I work on it 'on my own'? Suggestions would be MOST helpful and appreciated!!!!
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
You grabbed hold of a word she said at the end of a sentence, when you tried to hug her. She told you she wasn't ready for that "yet". You even admitted to seeing that one little word as huge encouragement. You've talked about it more than once as seeing "hope" in that little word.
But here is something that you are being in denial about and just want to discard the possibility:
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she is not involved with any OM right now and I choose to believe her past interactions were EA only and of course she only saw it as 'friendship'. So for now, let's remove that from the equation.
You choose to believe what you want to believe. What a lot of men don't understand is that an EA for a woman is very serious. Maybe from your POV it's not a big deal (as long as she didn't sleep with the guy). But that's where you are wrong.
Nothing is going to work for her or you, until you figure out why she's turning to OM b/c she can't get what she needs from you.
Why did she tell you, after one session with that therapist, that she would never have sex with you again? She's a young woman, and to tell you that she'll never have sex with you again....is pretty serious. What really drove her to sleeping in separate bedrooms?
I know you don't want to think about her having an EA, but it's just not that simple. Even if she's decided not to contact him again.....and even if she hasn't tried....it takes a good while to come out of the withdrawal from an EA. If you know exactly what day was her last contact with any OM, then you can add about 4 months to that, and you will have an idea of where she is now. But here's the thing, she has not plans to stay in the M (according to her words), so why would she stop trying to find OM to fulfill her emotionally? If she was working to R the M, then I might buy it, but it just doesn't fit.
She wants to be free and she wants somebody who will cause her to feel special, happy, alive, and sexy. You want to see what "hope" looks like? When you become that man who can give her those feelings.....then you'll see wonderous, beautiful, and exciting hope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think your post ended in the right place. But up until the last sentence you really have me down in the dumps and feeling despair like I haven't felt in weeks!
I'm assuming I'm supposed to take that as a pep talk to be the guy to draw her to me and away from any OM?
I realize EA is serious - believe me! Especially when EA guy's daughter and our daughter play on the same friggin' soccer team. We'll be seeing him multiple times a week for the next year, likely longer. Based on that should I just give up?
Also, W and I are in same bed still, it's in my sig - just fyi.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
Maybe I'm getting confused with another person's post. I thought it was you & W sleeping in different rooms.
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I'm assuming I'm supposed to take that as a pep talk to be the guy to draw her to me and away from any OM?
PEP TALK? ME? No way mister. I don't do pep talks! You can tell me I cause despair, but I am a firm believer in reality and that's what I try to do.....give information based on reality. I don't have the talent or patience to tell grown men to hang in there...everything will be okay....and to see every little word as positive hope. If that's what you need, then I'm sure somebody will gladly hug you and pat you on the head. Nothing wrong with that....I'm just saying that that is not what I normally do. I believe a man needs to hear how it really is with a WAW. I guess it's up to him if he can take it or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's all well and good, but that leads me to believe I need to go straight home and tell her exactly how I feel about everything - about how her EA, that she's completely downplayed IS so serious and how we need to work on our M together or else just call it done.
Some part of me thinks that MIGHT be a good thing to do, but mostly it seems like it would be a nail in the coffin. Maybe I'd be better off either way. Limbo sure [censored].
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
I realize EA is serious - believe me! Especially when EA guy's daughter and our daughter play on the same friggin' soccer team. We'll be seeing him multiple times a week for the next year, likely longer. Based on that should I just give up?
What's more important....soccer or your M? Based on THAT should tell you if you should give up or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
