I thought I knew how to DB and I thought I had this all figured out. I was wrong.
I guess I really knew something was suspicious. A few weeks back my W was having a problem with her laptop and asked me a question about it. When I started to walk downstairs to take a look she rushed to it first. I then started noticing she kept it close.
Today I snooped. I'm such a sucker. Never would have believed she would be unfaithful. In her history I saw that she had a secret yahoo account. She had also been frequenting the facebook page of an old BF. More on that later.
I probably could have found my way into the email account but I know enough about db to know I had probably gone far enough.
We've been separated for about a month. For the second time
The first separation happened 6 years ago. Right after she had gone to a funeral and ran into an old flame. Not the same one. She came back from that and looking back I know she was working through guilt. Whether anything happened I don't know but I've always believed it did not. Today I don't know.
After that our marriage spiralled down. I made all the mistakes. Pursued terribly, everything.
I later found db. Bought all the materials and studied them.
This time when it happened I was more knowledgeable. Told her to go ahead and move out that night.
Things have been amicable. We kiss and spend time together. Much of the time it feels like things are actually better and getting better. But that was all before today.
Today I realize that my wife that I thought was so full of integrity has been lying. I don't know if there has been a physical affair but I'd say there's a pretty strong chance of an EA.
She had been checking her secret email pretty regularly. She's on FB a lot but not many posts. She must be doing a lot of private messaging.
SO
Way back when we were in our 20's and dating she was actually also seeing an older married man. Turns out he was actually stringing along at least 5 young girls. One day he moves out of the area and she packs her bags to follow him. She thinks he's leaving his wife for her. So did 5 other girls. Later she ends up going up to see him anyway. Sleeps with him. She comes back we break up.
Years later we end up dating again off and on. And a few years later we marry.
She's always been afraid this guy would show up. Afraid of what I don't know. But thank you facebook. Several months back her sister says he's asked about her. A few months later she ends up friending him on facebook. The other day she reposts a song he wrote. She attended a party awhile back that many of his mutual friends (band members) also attended. I don't think he was there but maybe I'm wrong.
So this guy that she has been treated so badly by. That she has severe emotional scars from probably worse than I know. And she's going to his fb page pretty regularly. I assume to PM him. And probably emailing pretty regularly. WTF!
That was a kick in the gut today.
But I don't know what to do now. Do I expose that I know? Do I not? Do I tell family? Do I go dark?
I guess it's time to protect myself financially.
I thought I knew db'ing but I never imagined db'ing from here. I'm at a loss.
I thought it best to not do anything until I figured it out.
I don't even know what I want.
Somebody point me in the right db direction please!!!
Strangely I don't feel as bad as I would imagine. I actually feel strong in a way. I'm thinking maybe subconsciously I knew more and was maybe hiding it from myself.
I do know that I felt she was hiding something. Her dad says she "Holds her cards to close to her chest"
I'm kind of a sucker. I trust people too much. I just never thought I had to worry about trusting her. My best friend.
I have noticed she's not doing to well lately. She's edgy. She broke down last night and her dad picked her up. He's not happy nor is her mom. She was pretty upset at having to listen to him. Evidently didn't like what he had to say to much. I didn't ask.
Wow. I can't believe I'm here. But I don't imagine anyone else can either. So hello.
Well she must know I know. I was up a 4:30 this morning. Couldn't sleep. Looked at my computer and could tell she was on also. Neither of us are morning people.
I am told I'm pretty easy to read and I would think it a logical conclusion that she definitely knew something was wrong last night. Plus I didn't go to her to give her a kiss as usual. She came to me and I let her kiss me.
This morning I avoided her. We ussually say hello, kiss, and spend a little time together. I let her kiss me but didn't respond. This is a 180 for me.
I believe she deleted her secret email account this morning when she was on at 4AM. I'm not really sure what the significance of that is.
Strike three, I'd tell her that she's out. But I'm not the one in love with her, so I know that's tough. I just don't see her as a woman of quality for you . . . do you?
This morning I was helping her troubleshoot another business email address. After I changed the password for her so she could get into it she went to change the password on login and told me. But then clarified it was just so the password was the same as her other passwords.
Later she came into my office to tell me she couldn't get it changed and it was still the same as I set it. Coincidence?
I've been a mess all day. Guess it hit me. She stayed around late and cooked dinner. She did lots of business things I've wanted her to do in the past but she never does. She's trying to be perfect. I was just cold. Normally she handles the finances. Even for one of the businesses that is all me. A client came today to drop off a check and I had instructed the client to make sure it got to me. As instructed the client walked past her to deliver it to me. That in itself was a big 180. I had planned on driving it to town to deposit myself and see if I can take her name off the account without having to close the account. She brought it up several times about depositing it. Finally she said she could deposit it and not touch the account. After awhile I agreed to this. That is a big change for us and I'm sure it had an impact. Although I should still keep my ire up and go and remove her from the account.
On the way out she gave me a kiss on the cheek. Also a change as I'm generally the pursuer and I'm now unresponsive to her affections.
I'm not sure if I should be acting as if right now. It seems to me that acting as if would play right into her little fantasy. She really believes she can have her cake and eat it too. She has said several times she wants us to be what we are now. Business partners, best friends, live next door to each other. Maybe she might realize that that is just fantasy. Especially if I am correct in my assumption of some kind of affair whether it be an EA or PA.
If I can't trust her as my wife how would I ever trust her as a partner. (not a question)
I think that despite the fact we don't communicate we speak volumes.
Well I'm not sure if her email address was deleted or not. Yahoo is so buggy. If it was then she knows something but didn't get me test email> If it was not then she got it. Either way she somehow knows.
Her email was not deleted so she got my ping and knows I know about the email.
I guess what I'm pondering now is what has actually happened as far as an affair. and do I want to know.
Was there a PA? For the most part there really hasn't been opportunity. We didn't spend any time apart until recently. The last 1 1/2 months we've been separated. There was two weeks in Jan I was out of town. Even now while separated she is generally here early and leaves late. Still not much opportunity for a PA.
There is of course plenty of opportunity for a cyber affair.
Yesterday I was feeling better. I was changing her car battery for her and asked if she's like to go with me to the beach Sat. She said no but Sunday would be OK. I already suspected she was doing something with her brother Sat. Was curious to see the response already having plans.
So tomorrow we are driving the convertible to the beach. I suppose my best bet is to be happy and have fun. No pursuing.
Do I know what I want? Well yeah, I want a happy marriage with unbridled intimacy (words that would have scared me to no end a few years back). Who with? I don't know. If it turns out there was a PA I'm not sure I could handle it well. I don't know how you guys do. And I really don't want to find out for myself.
