Upon looking through advice given by people who were in similar situations (i.e. their S met their new "soul mate" and left to go be with OM/OW), it sounds like the best possible thing I can do is to back off completely and let the A run its course. I can't know for sure whether it will last or not, but based on what I've read from Michele, other DB-ers, and my various books about infidelity, affairs like these will eventually sputter out like the fires they are: crazy-hot and highly explosive, but also quickly-burning and difficult to sustain. No point for me to try and contact her during this time, thus throwing some branches on the fire that might keep it going longer than it needs.
I've been very frustrated that all of my DB-ing has been blocked by her R with OM. As soon as I pulled back, I got an instant response with her contacting ME more and informing me that she missed me/wished I was moving with her rather than OM, but just a few weeks later, her R with OM jumped to the top of the ladder. My guess is that it's a mixture of Stage I infatuation and the guilt that I'm sure she's experiencing but just not telling me about or admitting to herself. There have been numerous times that she's told me that she's felt despair and self-hatred about the A and what it's doing to me, but for every admission of guilt, there was a conversation where she blamed ONLY ME for all of the problems in our relationship and basically informed how much the OM is better than me in so many ways. It's heart-breaking to hear her say this stuff to me, but like so many others have advised, I'm believing none of what I hear until further notice. As much as it hurts, it just doesn't sound like my old wonderful W at all.
I've also been working very hard on "lovingly detaching," which is the other best thing that I can do (besides changing for myself, of course). I got to a point where all I was doing in my free time was surfing DB.com, reading DR and my other books, praying to God about the situation, and writing in my journal about it. I thought to myself, "You know what? I don't feel very attractive doing this," i.e. making her and my R with her the ONLY thing that matters. So I've been trying not to think about her as much or let this sitch be my ONLY sitch in life. GAL, right? She can't respect me if I don't respect myself. I have since been reading, writing, exercising, fixing up my apartment, and just generally staying super-busy. I love keeping busy anyway, but now I feel so much better about myself doing something other than focusing on my sitch.
In many ways, this sitch is a good thing for me -- throughout our relationship, I acted as though her opinion of me was the only thing that really mattered. Subsequently, if she said nasty or hurtful things about me (which she did quite a bit, now that I think about it), I took it very hard and believed it to be the total truth. Given how many other people in my life think of me as a great and generous guy, I'm now taking her opinion as more of a subjective thing. It still matters to me that she felt the ways she did about me for all those years, but I'm learning to separate her opinions and feelings from the total package. Sounds like a good thing to me. To be honest, my self-esteem has shot up ever since I started detaching. I'm a good guy, and if she can't see that right now, that's her problem, not mine.
This separation has really been forcing me to change, which I'm very happy about. If all this had never happened, I never would have changed the way I should have to keep our M going strong. As always, it took some very DRASTIC ACTIONS on her part rather than WORDS to truly get my attention! Now I understand just how unhappy she was and how desperate she felt. In addition, I can feel myself becoming a better and stronger person every day. I thank God very often for this opportunity. It hurts for sure, but I might as well consider it a springboard to becoming a better person rather than victimizing myself, crying about it all day, and holding nothing but hatred for her. That sounds like a bad road for sure.
