Compassion for a MLCer

[broken5150]

Hi all,

For a change, I would like to do something OTHER than vent about how hard I have it with my current MLC wife. Recently, when we DO make contact, I see little attempts for her to be a little nicer than what she has been the within last 9 months. Her venom spewing, partying and what I like to call "Alien Activity" is becoming less and less...

When I see her, It looks like shes had an emotional beating. At first glance, I feel allot of anger but as we communicate and I see her condition, it breaks my heart but I just dont show it. I cant find it within myself to give up on her. I just dont see her, I see the big picture which is my family.


God willing, if and when she does want to return, I look forward to the very difficult task of piecing back our marriage. The way I look at it, at that time, we would of gone through the worst part of this whole thing.

Just like others here on this forum, I pray for her daily despite of the misery she is putting me through. I try to focus on the person she was, not the person she is now. Granted, I know the person she was might NEVER come back, however, I know that when I married her, it was for the long run.

I received one heck of a pep talk from a pastor in my church. He told me that I have grown and shown a tremendous amount of faith and strength during this very tough season and that I could of handled it all in a different way (drugs, violence, revenge etc.) but I chose different path. The path of God and the choice to rise above a tough situation and grow.

During our journey of a LBS, its sometimes difficult to see the changes that we are making because we are so engulfed in our situation that we sometimes forget to stop and look at ourselves and appreciate who we are becoming. I really look forward to putting all of my changes to work on the rebirth of my marriage.

Im loving her more every day!

BTW, do guys know of any threads that I can read about an MLCers experience during their turmoil?

Have a great one!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Good for you broken, it is good to see you looking beyond your pain...which in comparrison? I'd rather be an LBS several times over than be an MLCer once.

All I know is what my wife told me, and what my aunt told me about being in their MLC..and I cannot fathom the paralyzing confusion or pain.

As for threads from former MLC's

If you can find a poster by the name of Happyincognito he had one. A good guy who struggled very hard. He is a bit blunt and very direct.

I believe there were serveral others...

The only problem is like LBS's and what works and doesn't for each as individuals? The MLC template can fit, but each is still unique.

To sum them up and say this is my wife? Not a good idea.
Pain and confusion.

Think about it, your wife was a good person right?
Any good person is going to suffer when they make choices that conflict with their moral code. Things they would never do, I get the feeling that deep down? They almost despise themselves at times. But that is my personal take.

[broken5150]

Thanks for your reply, Jack.

Under the assumption that you are still married and if you don’t mind me asking, how long did your W MLC last? Did she regret allot of her actions? Did you believe in your heart that it was over and there was no chance? Finally, how difficult was it to piece the marriage back together?

Oh, on a recent development… My wife had told me several times within the last 9 months, to move on, forget her and find another woman. Well, this weekend, she found out that I went out on a date. Actually, it was a group outing. She texted me and told me “ oh btw, say hi to your new girlfriend for me”. (She’s NOT a girlfriend. It was just a date). I then replied telling her “Did you not tell me to move on with my life and find another woman?” Her reply was “ I NEVER said that”.
Well, after I sent her the text that she wrote stating this, she replied “ The reason I told you to move on with your life, was for you to get your life in order and NOT with another woman”. WTH!

Man, my head is STILL spinning from that one!

[Cadet]

“ The reason I told you to move on with your life, was for you to get your life in order and NOT with another woman”. WTH!

This might STING a little but I think your W gave you good advice.

As an LBS we do need to get our lives in order.
That is mirror work and we need to do that before we go out and make the same mistakes again with someone else.
None of us are perfect, and we all have things that we need to work on.
I am not saying not to GAL but be careful rushing back out onto the dating horse again.
Of course I am not 37 but I still think from what I have seen that I am giving you good advice.

As far as your wifes other comments, they are MLC script.
She wants to lessen her guilt and make it YOUR fault that she left.

My .02

[broken5150]

Hi Cadet!

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you TOTALLY! I have done allot of changes and there are STILL some changes that need to be done. But, I think her intent by that comment was the fact that she DIDNT like what she heard about me dating and now, shes back tracking. Actually, she is saying that allot of things she said and did, she didnt to them AT ALL! Thank God for texts!

At the begining of this whole mess, she had threatened me with restraining orders, threatened to call rape if I touch her and if I showed up at her job( which Ive NEVER been there at all) she would have security escort me out. And the name calling was EXQUISITE! Now, I havent been called a name in quite a while :O)and the other night, my daughter called me and told me that MOMMY asked her to let me know that she was sick. Then, some days could go by and I wont hear anything at all.

Lol, the should make a new roller coaster ad Bush Gardens and call it The MLC!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Broken,

MLC lasted longer than I wanted it too, shorter than many.She was still suffering throught it when we initially "pieced".

She had many many regrets. But neither one of regrets what it took to get us where we are today.

Did you believe in your heart that it was over and there was no chance?

No, yes, no, yes, maybe, no, not sure, NO!

That may look funny, but its true along a long enough time frame.

I came into DB with two things, two promises I made to myself.

1 - no matter the odds I was going to be the 1%.
2 - I would have no regrets when it came to my marriage.

Finally, how difficult was it to piece the marriage back together?

: )

Get there and we will talk.

[Cadet]

: )

Get there and we will talk.

Translation - Jack thinks that piecing is a lifetime event.

I agree!

[broken5150]

Thank you very much Jack.

As days go by, I look at my old self before this took place and I really didnt like what I see. I was and am a good man. Never drank, took drugs, gambled nor was I a womanizer but, I had to learn about what it takes to be a REAL husband and father. No, I dont think I deserve this madness. I dont think anyone does. But, God has a plan. I believe the LBS's are currently being squeezed like charcoal so that later, that aswesome diamond can be revealed. I hope our story has a happy ending. She has no real family and neither do I. We created our own. I hope we stick together.

[broken5150]

Well, I just got one of the many lovely texts the my wife likes to send me. She feels that my Christian faith is a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" and she feels that Im trying to put a curse on her. And to top it off, she called me a stupid "Bible Thumper".

All this is coming from woman that used to see me on stage playing with my worship team and love it. Also, she claims that God is protecting her from ME! I asked her about the process of the divorce that she CLAIMED to have filed. She told me it was at the lawyers office and it currently being worked on. Ive been hearing this for months already. I havent seen ANYTHING yet. At the very begining, she claimed that she was putting it off because she felt sorry for me.

Opinions and advise would be great!

Have a happy and safe weekend everyone!

[seeking answers]

Broken,

Do you want a divorce? If you do not, you would be wise to stop bringing it up to your W. When you keep bringing it up you are putting pressure on her to follow through.

MLC turns our spouses into people we don't recognize. She will pull up anything she can think of to justify what she is doing. This is where the saying "Believe nothing of what they say, and only 50% of what they do", comes in handy.

This takes a very long time for our Ss to work through. Step back, don't get in her way, and let her take her journey. The gift in this is that you get to do the same for yourself. Only you get to go about it sanely.