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alamo76 Offline OP
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MK - I don't know what to make of it; it's different from the last time I took it off. Makes it feel like I'm giving up the only physical reminder of why I'm DB/DRing. Now, before anyone jumps and say that the DB/DR mentality has to come from within, to you I say you are right. However to me, at least, the ring comes in handy on those tough days when I emotionally and mentally forget. All it takes is for me to glance at it, or to graze it against something.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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You may be right to have something physical to remind you of what you are fighting for.

I could be wrong here and pros, hit me with 2x4 if i am wrong.

But i think sometimes the ultimate goal of the DB and what the pros here suggest here is the "dropping of the rope".

Back in january, i could simply look at a photo of my wife, daughter or three of us and i would break down. I never touched those photos. Kept them up there.
Now, no problem. I look at them and not even a feeling of sadness comes over me. First glance, it looks like i don't care anymore. Not true. My W is still in my thoughts. But the emotional threads i wove around her and things in my life: They are slowly going away. It does harden my heart. Initially i resisted it thinking that i'll be losing that innocence. Now, i like that. I dunno, it feels liberating.

Sorry, hopefully my ramblings made any sense smile


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M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
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As we are on the ring topic. Yup, i do still keep mine. Not because of any association of it to M or my W. I am lil superstitious. One day i took it off and everything that could go bad, went bad. Car accident, not being able to finish my workout, bad day at work etc. So from day, i sorta did not take it off again smile


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M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...
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alamo76 Offline OP
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Is dropping the rope clearly defined in the book? The book does asks us to let go of what is out of our control. Dropping the rope, to me at least, sounds like going cold turkey. I can see the benefit of this, but hey, aren't our WASs doing the SAME thing too? What have we seen brought so often in this forum? Cold-heartedness, pride, ever-increasing disenchantment with the spouse, and apathy.

MWD encourages us to detach, but I also get the sense (from the book) that we should do so without losing our humanity in the process.

GALs, 180s, detaching, etc. All are good, but guess what - our spouses are doing the exact same thing right now. They didn't need a book or an expert to tell them that. However, what sets DB/DRers apart from WASs (other than wanting reconciliation) is that we should be GALing, 180ing and detaching WITHOUT losing sight of what makes us human (and how we treat each other), what makes us good loveable people, what our spouses fell in love with.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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Our spouses haven't necessarily dropped the rope in the context we use here...

(Hope you don't mind the reference, 2step) just look at some of the WASs here such as 2step's...

WASs are often stuck in a lot of M junk... even after D is final...

I would submit that the context of dropping the rope here means being fully detached and believe that the future will be OK, no matter what happens to the M...

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Nope, dropping rope is not exactly in the book. But dropping rope means detachment. So thats in the book.

True. Detachment does not mean we should stop being loving people. It just means that we should emotionally simmer down when it comes to our sitches and spouses.

Ex : Earlier in the sitch whenever W took out daughter to the park, store etc and she would tell me: inside i would go crazy because all thoughts of our past life as 3 of us came rushing by. Same thing whenever i saw an old reminder in the house.

It is better now. I dont have those emotions rushing by. I could be wrong, but i guess this is detachment.


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M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
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alamo76 Offline OP
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Thanks for y'all's input, MK & KD. Sorry if I was getting all philosophical over a self/marriage-improvement methodology. I guess I was looking at how my wife is (or seems to be) handling the situation - I know she still deals with the marriage/separation/divorce/child thing, but she IS doing much better than when she first left, which is basically how I'm feeling too.

As a side note, LITB's child custody situation has given me a major scare. When I read about how the CA courts ruled in favor of his wife (despite his best efforts), it was a scary reality check for me. Our son is living with her right now (I had no control over this), and I now fear something similar happening to me. True, everybody's case is different, but I need to remember to put my faith in the Lord, as well as be prepared if and when the time comes.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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Quote:
As a side note, LITB's child custody situation has given me a major scare. When I read about how the CA courts ruled in favor of his wife (despite his best efforts), it was a scary reality check for me. Our son is living with her right now (I had no control over this), and I now fear something similar happening to me. True, everybody's case is different, but I need to remember to put my faith in the Lord, as well as be prepared if and when the time comes.


But i thought if you are guys are in the same town, it should be a 50/50 arrangement right? I guess the problems come only if big distances are involved.


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W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
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Originally Posted By: mykarma

But i thought if you are guys are in the same town, it should be a 50/50 arrangement right? I guess the problems come only if big distances are involved.


I wouldn't be so quick to assume this, as it's very dependent upon what the laws are in your state.

If you can work out an agreement you are both happy with, that's the best choice, because you never know what the courts will give you.

Example - I live in a state that is *very* prone to favouring the mother. Although H lives 3 blocks away, if we were unable to come to an agreement and we wound up in court, I already know what he would get - he would get every other weekend and one dinner per week. Period.

That's due to the age of our child, the fact that I'm the demonstrable "primary caregiver", and the fact that I live in the child's "familial home". Your situation may vary, but I wouldn't just assume, "I live near her so I'd get 50/50" - best to make sure you understand your rights and what you can reasonable expect from a worst-case scenario (such as court).


H: 39, Me: 37
SD: 18, S: 7
M: 9, T: 10
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alamo76 Offline OP
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Here are the facts:
1. My wife adamantly took our son with her when she moved out.
2. We may be in the same town now, but she's fixin' to move next summer (likely the East Coast) for her hospital internship. She wants to take our son too.
3. In both cases, she feels that she should be the one with primary custody of our son because she's the mother (so what?), that I'm dangerous (a porn addict), she has a bigger family network (East and West Coast; I only have my sis and BIL in TX) and she's more financially stable (because according to her I can't hold a job, and that even with her school loans, she is more financially responsible/stable than I am).


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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