Been there, felt that. Do not beat yourself up with this stick. We are trying to save our marriages because we love our spouses. And we love our spouses because we still see something in them we cherish and want to hold onto. EAs and PAs turn them into strangers we do not know and do not love, but we keep digging for that person inside them that we do love.
Know what I mean?
You are not stupid or naive. You confirmed, painfully, what you really knew all along.
How will your discovery affect your recovery?
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I definitely DO NOT accept her decision and I guess...no...I know that the way I have to behave is to make it clear through action...continued and obvious action and not words...that I don't accept it. It's just such "bad timing" with her being physically injured so recently AND me having to deal with all these emotions. I guess there's never really a good time though.
This thing gets weirder each moment. Literally 1 hour after I posted what I did last night I was actually asleep and my phone rang. It was midnight so I answered it without looking and it was my W. Quick background here: In college I turned my phone off one night and that night my grandmother passed and my family was trying to call me so I could drive to be with her in her final moments but they couldn't reach me until hours later...this is partially why I almost always answer the phone and I think it is also why I have a tough time "ignoring" my wife because I still feel so bad about the situation with my grandmother...I often think worse case scenario and just never want to be faced with potentially ignoring my wife in an "emergent" situation.
She was crying about her leg injury (it was roughly 7am where she is in Europe) and talking about how scared she is and how much she doesn't want to be scared but rather just trust God. She just keep on crying and saying she's worked so hard and was finally getting the results she's always wanted but also said she refuses to go run less than 100% and risk a worse injury. Still kind of groggy and coming out of sleep, I asked her if she wanted me to pray for her and she said she was running late for the doctor but that she just wanted me to call her name out when I prayed. I told her I always do anyways.
Then I don't know why I did it but I sent her a message afterwards that said the following (and I don't think there are enough 2x4s in the world for this):
Me: I've been trying not to tell you this because I know its not what you want to hear from me of all people but I love you W. Stay strong and do what you can to encourage yourself. I'm praying for you and I support you. I hope you know if I could carry this cross for you I would. I'd do anything to take your pain away. I'll be praying for you.
W: I know it. And this is just a cross I have to bear right now. It will make me stronger and even more appreciative. Thanks for listening.
I just don't know how or why I did it...maybe I thought if I didn't listen to her, she'd call him. I think part of me going "melty man" has to do with me continuing to try to "make up" for not truly having final words with my grandmother and so I have a tough time leaving any conversation for an extended period of time without communicating to my loved ones how I feel. I even asked her if she'd called anyone else or talked to anyone else and she said no. Whether that's the truth or not, who knows. When I asked why she called me she didn't say anything...just continued to cry. I feel so confused. Anytime I seemingly become more convicted in how I'm going to act or the fact that I'm not going to reach out to her, she contacts me at the most "vulnerable" of times for me and has a way of just reeling me in.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
mgm, don't beat yourself up too much. You're still early in the process. Yes, you probably shouldn't have reached out to her like that. However, learn from what you did and don't repeat it. You also shouldn't have asked her if she talked to anyone else - there's really not much point in it at this time.
I believe CS mentioned something about her actions telling you she doesn't want to be married to you right NOW. Keep this in mind. She needs to miss you.
That is a great reply from jb, and I agree with every word.
We are such emotional trainwrecks during all of this, and we are constantly second-guessing our own words and actions. We read DR and DB, we read the 37 rules, we read all of the advice given on this site and we want so desperately to save our M's. Do I go dark? Or just dim? Do I respond or ignore? Should I offer to help? Should I let her/him twist in the wind?
It's a miracle we are not all babbling alcoholics or drug addicts.
Your W reached out to you in pain and fear. You reacted like a decent man. Did you go too far with what you said? Some might say yes, some might say no. But CS hit it on the head when he said:
"...she doesn't want to be married to you right NOW."
Be aloof. Set some emotional distance. I shared an analogy in one of my earlier posts (stop me if you've heard this one already...) about an adult playfully chasing a child. As long as the adult chases, the child continues to run away. But as soon as the adult stops chasing, what happens? The child stops running away and walks back toward the adult.
Stand still and let your W close the distance. May not happen this week, this month, or even this year. May not happen at all. But as long as our WAS's feel like they are being chased they will continue to run.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Stand still and let your W close the distance. May not happen this week, this month, or even this year. May not happen at all. But as long as our WAS's feel like they are being chased they will continue to run.
Great points Telemark. I guess my struggle right now is she seems to be the one reaching out to me more but then I take it a step further than I should.
I'm very curious as to how she's going to respond when she gets home...because she's going to walk in and just about everything that says me will be gone...my half of the closet...my drawers emptied...my half of the bathroom, etc. My guess is she'll say it feels like a "weight" is lifted off her shoulders...whether she says that to me or not I don't know but she's said that to me in the past with regards to when I left the house at the early stages of this to give her some space. Really when she says that I just think it is easier for her to ignore her actions. The guilt is probably not as thick when she doesn't have to see anything that reminds her of me. Still unsure about how to approach the bills thing yet either or if I should even worry about it right away.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
W: Hey I might have a package in the next couple days. Just wanted to give u the heads up. Hope you're having a great day.
Haven't responded because when I initially read it, I got angry. The "next couple days" for me will be spent moving. So unless her package comes by Friday (and if I'm actually there when it's delivered) I won't even be around to accept the package for her. Might just let this one go unanswered. Not sure.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
