Being at work is hard. It seems so much easier to be upbeat and maintain the PMA when I'm at home, but something about being in the office...it's hard to keep my mind focused on work.
It's only been a little over a month, but feels like it's been ages. I'm really missing the things that used to help get me through the day--leaving in the morning with a hug/kiss and "I love you," the texts during the day from my wife saying she was thinking about/missing me, the knowledge that I would be coming home to open arms... That's been one of the hardest things about all of this; having to quit that stuff cold-turkey. One day I was getting all of those things (and so much more), and the next day it was all gone... It's amazing how badly I miss kissing my wife.
I paid good lip-service to not letting the success of our "date" get my hopes up, but I guess when it comes down to it...I was hoping to see more signs that the tide was turning. I need to make sure I get a grip on that...keep reminding myself of my father-in-law's 12 month timeline...and the fact that it took years to get my wife and I to where we are, so it's going to take months to (hopefully) get us somewhere better.
On the bright side, she came home from her counseling session yesterday, and shared with me what they talked about (very rare for her to ever divulge the content of her counseling sessions). Rather than focusing on what's going on with us, they apparently discussed her unrealistic expecations of herself regarding the housework and being "super-mom", which led to a conversation between my wife and I about how I could help her with some of that...Not that I don't already do my fair share of the cooking, cleaning, and parenting, but my wife told me (and I validated/acknowledged) that she felt like she couldn't ask me to do specific things around the house because I had given her the impression that my feelings were that I already did enough to help out in addition to taking care of all the yard work, car maintenance, and the other traditonally "husband-oriented" chores. I told her I never wanted her to feel like she couldn't ask for more/different things than I was already doing, but that I could see how my behavior would make her think that.
Ultimately, I told her, she always has the right to say to me, "Dearme, I appreciate and love you for doing A, B, and C, but I need more help around the house with X, Y, and Z." I said that any time there's something she wants or needs, all she has to do is let me know clearly and directly, and I'll do whatever I can to make it happen. So all in all it was a good talk. The rest of our interaction was good, if somewhat platonic...she ended up making me lunch and later I got an unsolicited hug from her; so I'll take what I can get. Still, what I want more than anything is for her to tell me that, while everything is far from "fixed", she's changed her mind about moving out and divorcing and is ready to commit to building a better relationship. That's what I'm doing on my own right now, building a better relationship, but it will feel so much better if we can get to a place where we're doing that together.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
