This is an aside - but so weird. I just went in and thanked BF for putting her to sleep and also for helping me this morning. He was like, "Yeah, that's what I do."
Then he said, "I got fired."
How is this an aside? How is this not discussed further? This is huge! The guy just lost his job and you're going on about how he didn't go to the block party with you? Can you imagine how scary this is for him? And how financially devastating for the both of you? How can you keep talking about going to counseling and the like when there is no money coming in for that stuff? This explains why he's been talking about weird stuff - he's feeling like a failure and tempted to run away and save the world. And I think it's just really peculiar that you glossed right over this terribly important development. Don't you wonder how long it has been since he got fired? How long he might have been faking going to work in order to avoid telling you? Maybe this is even the whole reason behind his desire to break up.
Woah. No ... sorry. He was kidding. I thought I put that in there.
Deserving - and this is just my "sense" not necessarily what I think is an actual definition - is ... your behavior and actions and thoughts and energy create an attraction point - it's kind of what you allow or don't allow in your world. It's based on conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings.
Worthy - everyone is worthy of love and having the best life they can have.
So I had a few thoughts this morning I wanted to share - but then there was a HUGE blowup. Good god.
Anyway, I've been thinking about relationships to needs - that BF sees my need as too great and that it means there is lack there for him - that he's "not enough" and I am trying to show him how much I appreciate his contributions, but it's an uphill battle when he thinks he's entitled to 14 hours of free childcare a day, abusing me around money, coming home whenever he pleases, laundry, dinner made, etc. Like when I thanked him yesterday for watching D he was like "Yeah, I'm good like that." Oh dear. His version of himself is very very inflated and kind. He doesn't really see how he is ... but I guess that's the process I'm in - that awakening. Which is hard, but it's the only way for me now.
Anyway, he responds better when I have no needs - or at least he perceives me as having none.
But then what happens if he decides not to leave? I just walk around not needing anything? What about respect, love, affection, sex, discussions about our lives - those are really all the things I've "needed" from him that threw him over the edge. And then that created my swirling panicked energy - anger - outbursts.
So now that I've backed down and withhold as many needs of mine as I can, I just wonder about this.
This morning I was making an egg for D - I thought, "how nice it would be just to be in my life - living - not with all this drama and upset and anxiety and uncertainty." But just making an egg for D knowing my bf is asleep in the other room. KNowing we might go away next week. Knowing what my day looks like.
Then I realized that feeling I keep trying to go for where I'm "in my life" and living - means taking for granted certain things will be there - bf, health, a sitter or a client.
No one can really depend on anything. But I'm sure there's a middle ground. I mean, how do you just live your life every day not having any idea what's going to happen? You rely on yourself more, I guess. But at some point we have to be able to trust and rely on other people, right?
I think KD might be onto some really good advice for you.
I think some posts ago, you posted on the block party and how you and D just sat there without BF. broken family and so on. I get that. It is hard.
I am nowhere even close to being a novice on relationships [hell my first and only relationship was my wife ], so take my feedback with a grain of salt.
I think once R hit the rock, it is very hard for them pick up because both people in the R are hurt in their own ways. They want to be appreciated, loved, not judged etc. Nothing wrong with that. Problem is all these wants, needs, combined with regrets, anger about all the bad that is happening can feed into the vicious circle that is eating up the R. Now i think wants and needs are more fundamental to the human psyche. However it is regrets and anger that really nail the R. I know it because that is what happened in my marriage. At one point W was so lost that our R is going down the drain, she just kept piling up regrets. Then she would look at all these lost events and would boil up with anger. She reached a point where she could no longer let go of those regrets.
So i would say, dont hold on to any negative stuff that your BF does. I am not saying to enable him. Because if you do, when you look back, you will just see all the bad stuff he did and it would cover up any positives that exits in your R. As i said, i am not saying you should become some sage and let everything go. Give yourself some time and for that duration, no regrets, no anger on BF. Use that time to be happy with yourself.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Lila, In essense you learn to feed those needs in other ways. Relying for someone else to fulfill all your needs is not realistic or even optimal.
Can you imagine the pressure someone could feel if that is your expectation?
I've had to learn to lean on my friends and family a bit more for things I would have expected from my STBX in the past. I've had to make new alliances and exchanges with women in like situations, and find alternative ways of managing. I've had to get cheap long distance! ( Only half kidding here. I have a good friend that lives in another city and we talk at least bi weekly if not daily.)
As for discussions...there are some things you can discuss with your H and some things you shouldn't. He doesn't have the capacity to process things the same way you do. His brain is not wired like yours. That's normal and natural, but something we women forget easily.
If you're interested in further exploring that difference, the book "Women Are Like Spaghetti, and Men Are Like Waffles" is a good one. Alternatively check out some of the youtube videos by Mark Gungor.
As for affection, the Five Love Languages by Chapman has been mentioned often here. Your expectations may be different from your BF's.
Sexual needs you will have to learn to take care of on your own if you intend your relationship to survive. No, it's not optimal and it lacks in so many ways, but it is how you can cope in the meantime, if you want your relationship to survive.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Often, it is semantics that get in the way of communication...
Advice:
+ is generally regarded as a point of action. Specific information that is given or received as an actual item which can be followed up on...
Feeback:
+ is often referred to as simply information. If we turn down a wrong street and eventually notice that we will not get to our destination down that street, that is our feedback. It is not advice such as turn around and go to the proper street. It is simply the information that the street we are on may not get us to our destination. We get to use that information as a way to course correct, if necessary or desired...
Originally Posted By: LilaGirl
Deserving - and this is just my "sense" not necessarily what I think is an actual definition - is ... your behavior and actions and thoughts and energy create an attraction point - it's kind of what you allow or don't allow in your world. It's based on conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings.
Worthy - everyone is worthy of love and having the best life they can have.
Deserving:
+ is often used in conjunction with, or as a replacement for, entitlement. A belief that can sometimes creep into a persons mindset that they are, in fact, entitled to truth, justice, etc... While most people may believe they are deserving, it also contains a certain expectation.
Worthy:
+ often comes from a place of humility. We may wish to have something and yet feel unworthy of receiving it. Often revealed during the reception of gifts. We may appreciate a raise at work and reflect that the raise is unnecessary because we would continue to do our best, with or without the raise...
The raise example, from a place of deserving, would be the recipient felt entitled to the raise... as opposed to worthy coming from a place of humility and truly appreciating the gift of the raise...
He joked about losing his job? That's very weird - makes me think either A) he's very afraid he MAY lose it or B) he really did lose it and has been hiding the fact from you, and tried to tell you but chickened out. Any way you could verify what's really going on? Do you ever see his paychecks?
