Feels Like I'm In Two-a-Days

[MadeToSucceed]

CS,

I definitely DO NOT accept her decision and I guess...no...I know that the way I have to behave is to make it clear through action...continued and obvious action and not words...that I don't accept it. It's just such "bad timing" with her being physically injured so recently AND me having to deal with all these emotions. I guess there's never really a good time though.

This thing gets weirder each moment. Literally 1 hour after I posted what I did last night I was actually asleep and my phone rang. It was midnight so I answered it without looking and it was my W. Quick background here: In college I turned my phone off one night and that night my grandmother passed and my family was trying to call me so I could drive to be with her in her final moments but they couldn't reach me until hours later...this is partially why I almost always answer the phone and I think it is also why I have a tough time "ignoring" my wife because I still feel so bad about the situation with my grandmother...I often think worse case scenario and just never want to be faced with potentially ignoring my wife in an "emergent" situation.

She was crying about her leg injury (it was roughly 7am where she is in Europe) and talking about how scared she is and how much she doesn't want to be scared but rather just trust God. She just keep on crying and saying she's worked so hard and was finally getting the results she's always wanted but also said she refuses to go run less than 100% and risk a worse injury. Still kind of groggy and coming out of sleep, I asked her if she wanted me to pray for her and she said she was running late for the doctor but that she just wanted me to call her name out when I prayed. I told her I always do anyways.

Then I don't know why I did it but I sent her a message afterwards that said the following (and I don't think there are enough 2x4s in the world for this):

Me: I've been trying not to tell you this because I know its not what you want to hear from me of all people but I love you W. Stay strong and do what you can to encourage yourself. I'm praying for you and I support you. I hope you know if I could carry this cross for you I would. I'd do anything to take your pain away. I'll be praying for you.

W: I know it. And this is just a cross I have to bear right now. It will make me stronger and even more appreciative. Thanks for listening.

I just don't know how or why I did it...maybe I thought if I didn't listen to her, she'd call him. I think part of me going "melty man" has to do with me continuing to try to "make up" for not truly having final words with my grandmother and so I have a tough time leaving any conversation for an extended period of time without communicating to my loved ones how I feel. I even asked her if she'd called anyone else or talked to anyone else and she said no. Whether that's the truth or not, who knows. When I asked why she called me she didn't say anything...just continued to cry. I feel so confused. Anytime I seemingly become more convicted in how I'm going to act or the fact that I'm not going to reach out to her, she contacts me at the most "vulnerable" of times for me and has a way of just reeling me in.