Too Tired To Fight

[Valeska19]

@ JS
You mentioned what I would do if she had froze the account. I want to state two things. 1) I would never break our agreement of taking out money w/o consulting with w. 2) I would be angry as all H3ll but I can realize I was wrong and get over it. I don't regret what I did.. no matter the storm.

The storm is here. My stbx did think it was punitive and couldn't see why I didn't trust her. I started to cry and said that I have been afraid of her for a long time. She asked why.. so I told her. I didn't come right out and mention the emotional abuse, but she got the point. She disagreed and said I made her out to be a monster. I said I wanted the D to be as loving as possible. That I wasn't out for blood, but I wanted it to be fair. She said she would try. I said that meant no checking out when she couldn't handle me (in regards to bills) and that she couldn't betray my trust. She didn't think breaking the promise was that wrong and certainly not wrong enough to freeze the account. I said I wanted to unfreeze the account, but I just didn't trust her.. and honestly I didn't trust myself. I mentioned that we can't even have civil conversations about anything in regards to D w/o the help of therapy and she agreed. Therefore she agreed to a mediator.

We seemed to end the r conversation ok.. but she was exhausted. She mentioned she wanted me off our joint checking account. I said ok. Cut to next day, every thing was pleasant until I saw the hickey on her neck. She mentioned that she would start dating during our separation. I didn't handle it well. Said I was tired of her hurting me, that I had a right to know, that she had broke her vows. She was pissed. Hours later I realized that I didn't handle it as well as I could have.. but I am human. I can only learn from my mistakes.

Overall not a good weekend. Didn't handle myself well and I have my w acting as cold as ice. I'm glad I mentioned the emotional abuse for me. And I have learned a lot.

1. My w has a lot of anger towards me and possibly herself. She can't handle any conversation that entails me expressing my feelings, Anytime I express my feelings, she gets defensive, angry. Even if I'm not attacking, she feels I am. Unless I am super nice to her, she doesn't want anything to do with me.

2. My w still likes to put me down. Every time she has seen me, she has verbally cut me. She tries to be happy for me, but some comment comes out. I'm too skinny or a cut about me stopping my best friend from getting a g/f because we go dancing a lot, or that my mom must love the fact that I am super girly now. Etc. She did this ALOT in our relationship. I am trying to work on stopping that.. however every boundary I set pisses her off.

3. My w is upset that I am not rolling over and dying. She's admitted anger and frustration, jealousy about my new life. I think that's why she does 2.

4. If I stick up for myself at all, my w thinks I am being punitive, or angry.. therefore she gets cold with me. This is really tough for me because it's a 180 for me. Not to get her back but to stop being codependent. To stop the emotional abuse. She doesn't like it. Years ago I stopped sticking up for myself because of this very same reason. It's more of the same.

5. My wife is ANGRY AT ME. The list could be long.. but the comments are coming from somewhere. She's upset I am wanting to be fair and go through everything, she is angry I won't be on her timeline (she even mentioned that she didn't care about my timeline or god's timeline, she just wanted this to be done). She mentioned that she doesn't want to resent me for paying my insurance. All signs that she has stuff built up.. so as much as I know she wanted to be independent, there are things much deeper to why she left.

6. I cannot stop her from getting ugly in this D but I can do everything in my power to be the person I want to be. I want to be fair, and caring. I want to consider her feelings, but protect myself. I know I can be the person I want to be. With God's strength, I'll get through this.

7. Having her in my life.. hinders my personal growth. I am too angry and hurt at her to be the person I want to be. I expect that she cares, and want her love soo bad and that is stopping me from being the person I want to be. It's not an excuse, it's just the truth. I need to heal, and I need to forgive.. I can't do that right now. I definitely cant do it when she dips in and out of my life.

8. If I ever want w in my life, I need to let her go (cont'd of 7) We are both too angry and hurt to have anything. I'm scared sh!tless but I now that's what needs to happen. My m is dead, my r is dead. She doesn't want me in her life. I want things from her that I can't have. We need time and space. I need time and space to work on myself. If God sees it best for us to get back in each other's lives, so be it.

Thanks for reading, I know it's long. In the end. I need to care about my w but not care what she does. I need to be the best Val I can be. The past 4 wks of her dipping in and out of my life brought up a lot of emotion and honestly I have backslidden. Getting back on track. If she gets angry at me for changing, or sticking up for myself. If she stays angry even though I am being nice and considerate. Those are HER problems now.. not mine.