Baby steps.... but in the right direction I am proud of myself right now, which feels nice.
I am glad that the links are helping you. Lots of great info there.
Good that you are taking small steps in the right direction. A few each day and at the end of the month you have travelled quite a distance. That is the best way to approach it, just a little nibble at a time.
Went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight and really liked it. Met some great people and the topic was so in line with DB. It was lots of talk of detachment and boundaries. I was already working on that today and needed the reinforcement. I can't wait to go to another meeting on Thursday.
When I got home H was just getting in as well. I was reading a book and he sat down and was curious about where I was because I hadn't responded to his texts. I said I was at a Step Class. Not a total lie and he knows I've been going to the gym. I was feeling like I had to give an answer and that was the best I could do. Was that bad?
He was on the computer and I did a 180 and went to the bedroom to read some more. I typically would have sat in the living room waiting for him to join me. He just came back to the bedroom and extended his hand and said "hi my name is H, nice to meet you". I simply laughed and he said "I've missed you tonight"
Times like this are very confusing for me. I am glad I have the chance to get on here now, while he is watching tv. I am trying very hard not to fall back into old bad habits. What is the old saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. It is time for me. Just not looking too far into the future and worrying about things I cannot control.
I'll be happy to hear any insight to that exchange. I know that each of us has our own path but I feel so new and really do appreciate feedback.
I've got this place which feels safe, and my DB and Codependent books safely hidden for alone time reading. I am very thankful for that.
Tomorrow night I will go to church and Thursday is another Al Anon. I'm really looking forward to all of it.
Good for you for going to Al Alon and reading up on these things.
Here's the thing. The changes you make have to be for you. They have to be things that you feel warranted changing or he is going to see right through them.
You should start by looking at any part you played in problems in your marriage, but be careful not to take any of his parts.
Use that info as a starting off point in becoming the person you want to be.
Then look at those things that he felt were problems and determine if they are valid.
It is also helpful to look at people you admire.
Armed with this information, decide what changes you want to make in yourself, for yourself. That is very important.
You have a wonderful opportunity here. You can become the person you were meant to be.
Each day, strive to be that person. Some days you make it, some you dont, but, that should always be the goal.
Hi Chances. My name is punkin, and I've been out of the mix for awhile, getting my life in order after an ordeal of a divorce, not that anyone's divorce isn't an ordeal.
It sounds to me that you have done everything humanly possible to keep your marriage going. Yes, he may be taking advantage of it from time to time, but that could be 'testing the waters'. If his heart is truly in it, he will eventually stop because he doesn't like the way it makes HIM feel when he does it.
I never went to Al-Anon, due to scheduling problems, but I did return to church, and it has made a wonderful difference in my life. The reading material Cadet advises is also wonderful. I printed some of them off to keep at hand during rough times.
Most of all. Welcome to the Board. There are some wonderful people here who will help you over the rough spots, have you laughing through tears ( "my favorite emotion" - Dolly Parton)
Most of all, keep at it. Even when you have a set back or two.
As my kids would say, PEACE OUT.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thanks Brooklyn and Punkin, nice to meet you both. And thanks for the encouragement. You have given some very valuable advice! I'm really looking forward to getting to know everyone here. It seems like I really stumbled on a friendly and supportive place, the kind that also kicks you in the butt if that is what you need most.
Just made appointment with IC at the suggestion of my DB coach, gotta keep dealing with my own stuff and this is the way I need to do it. I feel relieved and nervous at the same time, if that is even possible.
Read a bit of Codependent no more at lunch time today. Boy did that knock me in the head. I could see myself in a few of the sitch's. No big surprise I suppose.
H wanted to talk briefly the other night. He requested that I not talk to a certain friend about us. Someone who tends to be opinionated. I decided to use this time to do a 180 and set a boundary that neither of us would talk to others about our sitch if we weren't talking to one another. He admitted to speaking to friends about us, and said that most recently he told friend that things were looking up slightly.
Yesterday, I received a large delivery of flowers with a note that said "just because I love you" and he called to ask me to dinner
No relationship talk, just enoyed as I would with a close friend.
No expectations on my end. But taking this as a positive
Good for you Chance. I love flowers, and don't particularly care who sends them to me - even myself. Just don't let your heart get ahead of your head here. You seem to be doing great. Keep it up. He could be testing to see if you backslide, or just keeping you on a tighter leash.
Well you are right on target punkin, it was a test. Last night we were hanging out with some neighbors and his upcoming trip came up. It is all I hear about daily, which makes me nervous a bit. One of the wives said "aren't you going, Chances?" and I said no. She asked if spouses can go and I said yes. It was dropped.
Later when we got home, it was brought up. He had recently said that once things settle down he would like to go somewhere, just us but finances are tight now. So I mentioned, that could be an inexpensive way to get away on the front of his trip (I know that I was wrong in saying that and I regret it terribly. He blew up and said he knew the "new Chances" was an illusion and didn't want to get grilled by the "old Chances" H said "I am so dissapointed, I have been trying to restore this relationship" ( I tend to disagree with that but didn't say anything. He was screaming and in my face, left and came back to do it again. I did a 180 and went to my moms, I have never left before but didn't feel safe (he is not physical just intimidating)
He proceeded to list out all that I have going for me and he said hisl life is groundhog day. He has been doing so much lately alone, with the guys, day trips, overnighters, but he still sees it ass I have more or do more and feels slighted.
I came home this morning and everyone is still sleepinig. I wanted to be here for S17 to see him off to a concert. S14 is away with friends for the week.
Not sure what to expect once he wakes. Not sure what I will do or say, if anything. I hope someone has some advice this morning. I am devastated.
