Babysitter here, and we had a block party to go to tonight, along with figuring out bedtime for D and I had to cook dinner - but it was a late work night for me, so if D goes to bed at 7 - and I finish at 6:30 and still have to roast chicken, get her to bed, etc. stop down at the block party-
Well, I wasn't thinking and I called BF. Apparently, I had forgotten I was DBing, b/c I was like "Hey what should we do about tonight?"
(I had called him earlier and no answer - texted and said I'd be unavail for an hour at an appt. but wanted to know about tonight) - nothing back so when I called upon coming home from my appt, he was being vague. He was in his car and it was hard to hear him - again, he wasn't at work. He was mumbling stuff, and I finally said, "I don't know what you're saying" - all I'd said was about two sentences to him and I was totally nice about it.
But he was like, "I don't know what you want or why you're chasing me down."
He said it really nastily ... I just said, "Oh," and I hung up.
Wow. Totally not called for. But I prob. shouldn't have called him in the first place, I just forgot when he decided to not do anything at night anymore.
It's ironic that the other night in the kitchen when he was talking about leaving he said "I don't just want to be a weekend father." Meanwhile -
Anyway - so I did something that made me REALLY PROUD.
I dropped it. Let it go. Didn't dwell. Thought, his problem, not mine. Let the sitter go home, scooped up D, cooked with her in the kitchen, caught up with my mom (WHO BTW is going to call the MC I've been going to - she said she thinks she has some things she can work on herself! HMM.....) (I'm really proud of her for doing that - really brave), and then D and I went down the block party.
This block party goes on every year and we've been here three years. BF knows some of the neighbors on our street, and I thought he'd want to go but on the phone he was like "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE BLOCK PARTY."
So we're sitting there, and it's nice - tons of great food and everyone loves D ... so we're hanging out and BF pulls in (in his pink car of course, which everyone can see from a thousand miles away) and people start asking me if he's coming and I'm like, "Oh, IDK." So D and I return home and he doesn't come out of his room to great us.
So I start struggling with D to get her PJs on etc. and she is running around naked and screaming and he still doesn't come out of the room.
Finally, he came in and sat down with us and I just acted totally normal. He asked about the block party - and we were basically sitting there watching D and laughing at her antics.
He also gave her a check to give to me - for an amount I don't even understand and don't even want to ask about b/c it's too annoying, so I'll just hold on to it - we have a potential upcoming couple of days at the shore, a potential MC appt Monday, and then asking him about the check on top of that - I'll just do one thing at a time.
So we're sitting there, and he's like "blah blah ... NOthing is funny anymore." And I looked at him and kind of cocked and eyebrow. He was like, "Except D - that's it."
I said, "Geez," kind of lightly "you sound really depressed."
And he looked at me. I said, all that talk the other night about nothing having meaning and now nothing is funny. I said, "Sure you aren't depressed?"
He said, "What are you talking about?"
But it's odd. It reminded me of the time when I was pregnant, and he went through this period where he started throwing everything out on the front curb - literally throwing it off our porch. He didn't go to a birth class with me, wouldn't answer his phone, and I remember, that was the same week of the neighborhood block party - and he said he had no interest.
I remember at the time thinking, Did I end up with someone really antisocial?
Tonight, that same thought struck me - we're two houses down - me and D sitting out there - gorgeous night, like why not just come say hi?
I don't get it. But whatever - I didn't bring it up; like I said, I acted normal and I thought about how both my IC and the MC who I seem to be going to alone said that it appears when I don't need anything from him that's when he comes to me.
But how do you carry on in a R like that?
And my final thought is that his behavior seems to be like someone who is very depressed or in some sort of crises. He seems to keep searching for something outside himself - the way he talks about an apartment, or a motorcycle, or "changing the world" or "doing something meaningful."
I wonder if the MC will pick up on this.
It seems like if I back off, his behavior comes through - and stands out more.
