Feels Like I'm In Two-a-Days

[jbnati]

mgm, I think you did well. You waited, and you kept it short. IMO you could've of let her know you're praying for her, but keep that short and sweet, too.

I'm moving out Friday so I have to get some bills switched over, one of which requires a notary or both of us going to the utility provider together in person. Others require her to call in so when she gets back Sunday, I'll probably have to go by there one day next week so we can sit down and discuss it all...something I'm not really looking forward to honestly.

I don't blame you one bit. Been there myself. Try to use this as an opportunity to show your W some collaboration.

[MadeToSucceed]

Thanks jb. I actually just finished posting on your thread before coming over here.

I don't mean to get too "personal" here and I wish I could find a way to talk "offline" with you about this via email...but do you struggle incorporating DB with your faith? I do at times because many of the methods call for me doing the opposite of what is intuitive or even what I feel like my faith would have me do. I can say I've forgiven her. I know that much and yet the pain still remains. So sometimes when I want to see how she is doing, particularly now that she is injured, and I CHOOSE not to, I feel like I'm not necessarily "doing the right thing."

Even with me having a paper to write and exam tomorrow and having to scramble to get out of the house, I'm still curious to see how things are with her.

The one I have the most trouble with is when I try to end a conversation. Since most of ours are via "text," the other day I recall saying something to the effect of "Don't want to keep you. Hope your leg continues to heal." She responded, "I'm not busy. You aren't keeping me. I'm just sitting here in the hotel room." I didn't know what to say so I waited for a while and then eventually just signed off of Skype. That's when she asked what happened and then said "I'm praying for you." I guess I could throw out the "Don't want to keep you" parts and just make up an excuse to get off but again, that's the part I struggle with. I just hate the games and having to lie myself. I don't like dabbling in that but I understand it's part of some of the DB process. Just tough for me to find a comfortable balance.

[jbnati]

I don't mean to get too "personal" here and I wish I could find a way to talk "offline" with you about this via email...but do you struggle incorporating DB with your faith? I do at times because many of the methods call for me doing the opposite of what is intuitive or even what I feel like my faith would have me do. I can say I've forgiven her. I know that much and yet the pain still remains. So sometimes when I want to see how she is doing, particularly now that she is injured, and I CHOOSE not to, I feel like I'm not necessarily "doing the right thing."

It can be a little tough to balance because it's counter-intuitive. You can still love your W, and you are called to do so unconditionally. I think we may be being shown right now how it feels to love someone and not necessarily receive it back. You can pray for her. I actually prayed with my W before she moved out. TBH - I think it got under her skin a little bit. I think my W and your W have both rejected their faith, at least to some extent.

I think in your case, you can ask your W about her injury, but let her be the one to initiate contact. You are showing her love by caring, but at the same time you are showing her love by giving her space.

[♪CS♪]

I do at times because many of the methods call for me doing the opposite of what is intuitive or even what I feel like my faith would have me do.

mgm, DB’ing can be counterintuitive, regardless of ones faith. This is particularly true at the beginning. Our emotions tell us to do one thing, and DB, through our mind, is telling us to do something else.

Many of us listen to our emotions from time to time at the beginning, get burned, and then after time, realize we don’t like getting burned.

There is a line here “Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do.”

The WAW’s words will be confusing, and often give you mixed signals. However, their actions are often much clearer if you look at them for what they are.

Right now, your W is divorcing you and carrying on a R with OM. Those are her actions, and they are pretty clear right now. Her actions say “I do not want to be married to you NOW.”

So, if you recognize this, you might be able to see that the advice given is actually RESPECTING what she is telling you. I would have to think, this, would be in line with your faith.

[Telemark]

mgm32, I also have a solid faith and a relationship with Christ. I think He blesses the efforts a husband or a wife puts forth to preserve their marriage; providing, of course,those efforts are made in love and honesty, and without anger, deceit or dishonesty.

[jbnati]

I don't mean to get too "personal" here and I wish I could find a way to talk "offline" with you about this via email.

That would be nice, huh? However, there's also benefits posting it out to the board, too. There are other believers on the board (e.g. Telemark) who can offer some other perspectives.

One thing to keep in mind is there are a lot of things in our faith that's counter-intuitive as well - e.g. die to yourself to live, the gift of grace, etc.

[MadeToSucceed]

Telemark, I feel pretty confident that my efforts have all been made in love and honesty and not with anger, deceit or dishonesty. I've done everything I can to handle this is the best way possible and have even put her own feelings in front of mine through the majority of this.

Having a rough night...finished up my paper and all I have left for school this summer is my exam tomorrow night. Then I get a 3 week break before the fall semester begins on August 25th.

I've been thinking a lot about the legality of things here lately. My lawyer is aware of the adultery and sent me some interrogatories that she wants me to review. In them, there are two questions that as my W to list anyone she has had sexual intercourse with since we've been married and anyone she suspects me of doing the same.

I'm struggling with whether or not I should allow my lawyer to ask these questions if, in the end, my long term goal is STILL reconciliation. When thinking about what my DB coach has said, does this get you closer to or further from your goal, a big part of me thinks it gets me further because my W will try to use this as a reason that I am "all about money." I really don't know how to approach this one to be honest. My lawyer knows I want R and yet that is impossible without my W wanting the same so if all her actions are pointing to D, then do I go along with it from the standpoint of "I have to protect myself" and in doing so, have my lawyer ask those questions? I know that no one has the answer to this but I guess this is just me downloading into my thread as a means to avoid reaching out to her.

[~ kd ~]

I've thought about the adultery angle as well...

I just don't know the importance of it. In my jurisdiction, adultery (actual intercourse) will allow a D to process without the otherwise mandatory time delay... but other than that, it does not (is not supposed to) affect the court decision on dissolution... I suppose unless it brings into question character which might be useful in negotiations...

Anyhow, I will likely bring it up with my L just as a matter of course, but otherwise... not sure why mud slinging around an A is valuable...

[♪CS♪]

The legal vs. DB can be a tough thing to juggle.

My simplest advice is be fair.

But remember.

This means being fair to yourself as well.

[MadeToSucceed]

I had a setback tonight...more a personal/internal one than one my W will notice. I "snooped."

I saw an exchange between my W and a girl we went to college with that lives in the same city where OM just signed with a new NFL team.

My W told her 1) we aren't together anymore (the girl asked if I was coming to the city with my W and my W responded, "no...not really...not at all actually...we aren't together anymore." 2) my W flat out told her about OM ("that's why I mentioned to you about coming to see OM" were her exact words) 3) that she'd be headed there to the city where OM is/plays in a couple weeks and 4) that OM city is about to be like her 2nd home. Don't know why I looked. Don't know why I tried to fool myself. She's really out there. And yet at some point tomorrow she'll contact me. I feel so stupid and naive.