Feeling a little better today - helps that my babes are home, and I have work to distract me again. H has gone away for the rest of the week to another cottage with a different group of people. I hate to admit it, but I was quite relieved when he told me it was a guys week of golfing and fishing. He's emailed/texted a few times, trying really hard to respond immediately, but my problem is that he always asks about our children, and I feel like I always need to respond. Just like if he has the kids, and I ask him how they are doing, I would expect him to respond right away as well. I know there is no 'mystery' for him when it comes to me, b/c basically if he is not at the house visiting our children, he knows I am with the children, so I couldnt possibly be having any grown-up fun when I'm with them. Things have been going pretty well between us again but its like every time things get easy and comfortable and fun between us again, he backs off. So I've decided I need to do everything in my power to keep my house. I know I can't afford to completely buy him out, but this is my HOME, and our childrens home and I think I need to stay here. I dont know how I will do it, or if the courts will allow me to pay him back over a VERY long period of time, but I have decided when the time comes, that I will do whatever I possibly can. I would love to hope it doesn't come to that, but at this point, I just want to be prepared. I NEED to be prepared, for me and my children. Funny thing is I am getting the house painted next week and I haven't picked colours yet. I mentioned to H before he went away that I had to pick the colours this week and that I assumed he doesn't care what colours I picked (i mean it IS still his house, so I felt I needed to ask). He looked at me kind of funny and said 'no I don't care, as long as you pick nice colours' and smiled at me. Then he asked if I could possibly email him the colours this week so that maybe he could look at them online. I know deep down he doesn't want to give up on our life and our family and our home, but unfortunately he feels he 'needs' to. A few months ago, I would have been secretly a tad bit happy that he cared about the colours, b/c I would have thought that maybe there was still some hope that we could be a family in this home. Now it just makes me feel sad.
