There are really only two ways you can approach this, in my opinion:
1. GET PROOF; or
2. ASSUME HE IS LYING.
Blindly assuming he's telling the TRUTH -- in light of what you've already discovered -- would be naive, and asking HIM to be honest with you is fruitless. Remember, "ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."
Hmmmm, I feel so dumb that I can't get my head around this - maybe it's because I'm an honest person! But I think you're right, I would be naive to believe him - but what kind of person does that make him if he's prepared to let me live such a lie!?!?!?
At this point, it is up to HIM to satisfactorily prove to YOU that he's serious about working on the marriage with you, WITHOUT a third person involved.
I have said this to him that it is down to h im to prove he is telling the truth - he pulls a pained face and says it is impossible to prove - oh dear maybe should have thought of that before deleting all her numbers! Not that it's my place to think of how he can prove things but I have been trying to think of a way and I can't think of one.
What are your dealbreakers? Some suggestions might be that he sends OW a no-contact letter, agrees to full transparency with you, and agrees to attend marriage counseling with you, but whatever they are, it needs to be YOUR list.
He is already trying to be totally transparent - I have his phone at the moment and when he went out to fix the car earlier he sent me a picture of the car in the garage to prove where he was - it all seems so crazy. He says he doesn't know where she lives or her number to be able to send a no contact letter and we have already been here before - for the last 4 years he has been swearing to me that he hasn't spoken to her since March 07!!! - staring me straight in the face and swearing he hasn't heard from her
You're in a good position, with him claiming to want to work on the marriage. But THIS IS THE TIME when you have your maximum opportunity to ask for what you need.
You're right - just need to work out what it is I need - apart from my memory erasing.
