On to thread #5. I think this is a fitting thread title for where I am at. I gain ground one day, and lose it the next. Before I get started, here’s my previous four threads:
Well, I have now made it over 7 months since the bomb was dropped. All in all, I think I am doing pretty well.
The rollercoaster ride continues, but I am now in a place where I can handle it, and not let it dominate my life.
Our kids are doing well. Both are happy and I think they continue to benefit from having both of us around, despite W and I's M problems.
I have good days, and I have not-so-good days. I don't let the not-so-good days get to me as much anymore though. I have control over my emotions and actions...and mine alone.
Here's the latest developments (fairly long post):
Last week was pretty rough. W was really busy with school and seemed pretty stressed out and it kind of felt like she was taking it out on me. Everything came to a head on Sunday morning.
W babysat for some friends so they could go out on Saturday night. I think she got home around midnight. I was already asleep, so as she had been doing for the last 2 weeks, she slept on the couch.
I'm not sure exactly what time, but the kids were up very early on Sunday morning, so W ended up getting very little sleep. I got up just before 8:00. When I came out to the living room, the kids were being pretty wild and I could tell W was upset. I asked her if something was wrong, and she didn't reply, but she started crying.
I tried asking again, and again no reply. So I went about my business...making breakfast, taking care of the kids, cleaning up their messes, etc. I made a good breakfast for all of us, and W sat down with the kids to eat it. While I wasn't showing it outwardly, it was really bothering me to see W so upset, which kind of killed my appetite, so I didn't eat breakfast.
After breakfast, W went out back to smoke. I wasn't sure about it, but I decided to go ask her what's wrong one more time. I asked her if she was mad at me. She said no, she's not mad, just unhappy. I asked why, and she said her life [censored]. She said sleeps on the couch with a bad back and is the only one sacrificing to allow our kids to be around us both. I told her that I have a really hard time understanding what she is sacrificing. She went back to how sleeping on the couch is so terrible and that she feels like a guest in our house and that she had talked to me before about getting another bed and I never did anything about it.
I asked her what would make things better for her. She said she didn't know. At this point, I guess she got tired of me asking her questions, and flipped the conversation around.
She asked me what my thoughts were. Here's what I told her:
- I understand that sleeping on the couch [censored]. I know we discussed a few months ago getting another bed for the basement, but I never got one. The reason I didn't do this was because to me it felt like I was giving up. I wasn't going to stop you from getting one, but I didn't want to do it because I keep hoping that you will come back to our bed.
- I still have a very hard time understanding why you feel like you are sacrificing your entire life to be here. I am trying so hard to make your life easier and give you what you want...to the point where I am walking on eggshells. I am always trying to do little nice things for you and I want to do much more but I am afraid to. I want us to have fun together, but I don't ask you to do things because you told me not to. You have someone here that is willing to do absolutely anything for you....and I am asking for nothing in return.
She didn't respond to this, so we sat there in silence for a few minutes. She then started to get up and told me that she had to go work on school. I stopped her before she went inside and asked what she wants to do about her sleeping arrangements. She said she wasn't sure. I asked her if she wanted a separate bed downstairs. She said that would be fine and went inside.
I sat there for a few minutes to collect myself and think, then went inside. I asked W if it would work if I go get D5 a new bed (she is sleeping on a plain queen bed now) and move D5's bed to the basement. She said that would be fine. So I then told the kids we were going shopping at Ikea (best store ever, btw).
I took D5 and S3 to Ikea and we had a good time there. D5 picked out her new bed and we brought it home. W was buried in her homework and still looked pretty upset, so I kept my distance. W mentioned that her friend had texted to see if we all wanted to take our kids swimming. W said she told her friend she couldn't go because of homework, but I might want to take the kids there. I said that'd be great and then took the kids swimming, which was also a great time (D5 actually swam crawl stroke for the first time!!!).
When I got home, I had to rush off to a soccer game. The game went well (we won 8-7), but I pulled my hamstring. When I got home, I still had to put D5's bed together. I hadn't eaten a meal all day at this point, but it was 8:30 and D5 needed to get to bed, so I started that evolution. W was still doing homework on the couch.
The bed ended up taking me until about 11:00 to finish (that is the one downside of Ikea), and D5 loves it. I got D5 situated in bed and then finally had some dinner. When I finished eating, W was still doing homework, so I went to set up D5's old bed in the basement. That was pretty hard for me. Around 11:45, W came downstairs and told me she was done with her homework. She seemed very relieved. She then noticed I was putting the bed together for her and told me that I didn't need to do that. I said it was ok, and I wanted to do it because she was busy with homework.
She then asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said that would be great. She came back with the wine and then apologized for what happened in the morning. She said she was sorry and that she was just in a really bad place. I told her that I understand why she was feeling that way, then said I need to get to bed. Told her good night, and went to bed pretty much in shock that she had apologized.
Things were good on Monday. She was talking to me a lot and we went out to dinner and had a good time.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
