KenF, it can get MUCH worse than that - does it stop it though?
Someone else once told me to do this - my therapist, in fact. Laugh it off, etc. I'm not great at that. Cause I just don't like being around that energy. I'm very (ahem, obviously) direct with others and not passive-aggressive, so it confounds me. It would be so much easier if BF stood up and was like "I can't stand it when you do that b/c it reminds me of my mother and she disgusts me and so do you!"
haha. Not really but you know what I mean. Like you have to put me down, do it, but don't make me second guess everything all the time. It's destructive.
So just my lightening it ... yes, I see how that makes it less destructive, but that is a trait that is VERY VERY hard for me to live with - exactly my mother too which is why I have that same issue with her.
It really pushes my buttons and I react very very poorly. I'm trying to respond more calmly and sincerely, so thinking about reacting jokingly feels like extra work or something I have to "remember to do" but I've actually made some progress and started doing it (I think when I'm tried and stressed I forget to do that, though, and let my guard down and I react poorly again)
Any advice you can give on stress/coping would be helpful - ie. what you would do in my ... moccasins smile
Or an example of some of the actions you took in your life that helped - I would really love love love to hear that.
Well Lila it's more of a mental shift than specific things you can do.
I've written this before somewhere ...I have a quote on my wall:
" You are NOT the General Manager of the Universe. Your job is to be open to possibilities and let go of concepts of how things SHOULD work out."
It's true. You manage what is essential for your survival, and the rest can go to hell for a while. You get to choose just what is really important to you.
If you're anything like I was, you define/value yourself and believe that others define you and your value by your performance.
The truth is Lila no one is judging you as harshly as you are, and the "work" is always going to be there. You are not irreplaceable and all you're doing now is fighting a holding pattern against chaos. That's no way to live.
Ok as for the concrete things:
1) Choose what can slide for a while.
2) Choose to be less rigid about scheduling of tasks that are not for survival or of your general well being. Figure out where you CAN be flexible. ExampleL the dust is an inch thick on the mantel, and the interior of the car is filthy, your mother would faint...so what?
3)If you feel yourself getting angry, give yourself a time out, and figure out the source of your anger. (Hint : It's usually a swift kick in your self esteem as you percieve it. You feel devalued in some way.)
I've written on anger in a couple of my posts. You can look up what I've said about it there.
4) Ditch the caffiene it ratchets up your anxiety level and contributes to sleep difficulties, it makes you irritable and less able to let little things roll off your back.
5) Get enough sleep, and nourish yourself well. Remember - HALT - Don't make any decisions or say anything as a reaction to someone's else's behaviour when you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
6)Learn to meditate or spend time in contemplative prayer.
7) Worry less. I read this somewhere: " If you are in control of any situation , you KNOW you will do your very best, so why worry? If you are not in control of any given situation, it is not in your control so why worry?"
8) Instead of cursing someone bless them instead. It frees you and gives YOU a positive message. You then bless yourself too.
How has this worked for me? Well last week I left my kids alone for an hour. While I was gone they shattered a few of my glass candle holders. They phoned me to come home right now! In the past I would have started to leave and would have been berating them loudly on the phone.
This time I calmly simply said: "I know you guys can handle this. Pick up the bigger pieces carefully and put them in the trash. The vacuum is in the basement, please vacuum the living room so no little pieces are left. They were more upset than I was and were apologetic and contrite. I told them it's only stuff guys, it isn't irreplaceable or that special. I'm glad you told me instead of trying to lie and cover it up. I praised them when I got home for being so responsible and considerate.
I didn't get stressed, neither did they, a win win.
I don't doubt part of the sleep issues your little one has is what she's picking up from you and BF. The more quickly you can get a handle on it Lila, I think the better she'll be too.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
like Scylla_Charibdis describes with the broken glass, its a change of perspective and response.
my daughter would break down in tears whenever a toy broke, it would go on and on, till she couldnt breathe, and then i'd fix it and she'd still sob. so i told her she and i were 'fixers' (which i am, i have the need to fix things) and when her toys break now, she calmly says we're fixers, gets the glue or screwdrivers or batteries and we fix them together. she loves when her toys break.
nothing has changed, the toy is still broken, but her response is the polar opposite. has not cried over a broken toy since.
all perspective and response.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Oh an addendum to #3. When you figure out where that kick to your self esteem landed, THEN ask yourself IS it TRUE? Is that perspective based in reality?
Example: Many women believe that their only value is sexual. Is it true? Granted, through the filters of their upbringing from their experiences with parents to society they may well legitmately have believed that YES it's absolutely true. Their only value lies in what they can do to please sexually.
That you and I know is not True or based in reality. That a person has many talents and an intrinsic worth that transcends this. They have to learn to see it too. So do you Lila/
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
"and then BF makes snorting sounds and says "mommy is a piggy" - Do I ignore it? Say "that's not nice"?"
no, you laugh about it, and make more piggy noises and make your kid laugh.
1. it immediately takes away any power in his words. 2. it lightens the mood 3. it makes your skin grow thicker.
my x was passive/aggressive, as i am too, and she'd throw things like this at me, but much more hurtful. eventually i learned to laugh it off as it were nothing. it takes some creativity to find humor in those words, but they're there.
and now, years later, its still funny.
Yup, thats a much better idea.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I'm very (ahem, obviously) direct with others and not passive-aggressive, so it confounds me
I guess that is where the line "Heart follows the head" comes in. In the beginning, you have to consciously force yourself to see the lighter side of things like Ken suggested. Keep doing it often and it becomes second nature.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Here's an exercise for you, if you would humour me on this:
Could you define the following two words for me?
+ Advice
+ Feedback
~~~~~~
Also... would you be able to give me just ONE example of something that you were 100% committed to.
By that, I mean not only was it something that you wanted, and something that you were prepared to go to great risk to achieve, and finally achieved. Something that was one of the greatest achievements in your life...
Another question, LG... If you could answer, SVP...
If there was ONE THING that you could change in yourself... what would that be...?
The first two answers I will reject... I would like you to please be as honest with yourself as possible... dig for the first two and then really dig for that third...
right now, everyone else is in control, and you're miserable. you're wiped out, exhausted, disheveled, irate, beat down.
but its because you gave them control. its your choice.
Wow. Yeah. Totally this.
I'm not even sure how that happened. Maybe because I was somehow dependent on them for different things - and "relying" on them left me vulnerable to this sort of thing.
Now I'm becoming more independent - less exposure. But I'm still going to be very much more aware of this now than I ever have.
