My GALing and His Bailing Part 5

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear Lila Girl,
I recognise a lot of your character in my own.
I'll be blunt about how I percieve what you've written here, because it won't profit you or me to be delicate about it.:

A) You are so focused on how your BF and others "make" you feel, you don't seem to realise they have feelings and perspectives different from your own that are equally as valid and a true reflection of reality to THEM!
It seems to me that you feel that your opinion is the "correct" one.

Lila, if there is one thing I've learned and am still working on fully integrating into myself...I am responsible for how I feel, no one else is.
You and I choose our perspective/outlook, on any given situation and our feelings flow from that. You and I can choose to act or react based on those feelings. I'm choosing to ACT conciously.

B)It's not about YOU. Recognise others do what they do for their own damn reasons/feelings/perspectives. They do not do what they do to deliberately piss you off! They too do the best they can with what they've got at the time.

Lila, you're going to have to grow a thicker skin and not have your life rise and fall on the actions of others. Why are you giving other people so much power to make or ruin your day?

My skin isn't as thick yet as I would like, but it's getting there. I eventually want to be in such a good emotional place no one can press my buttons or pull my strings with a mere word, look, or gesture.


C)Stress ... you're so busy dancing to other's tunes, REACTING to every crisis as you percieve it. You're esentially firefighting and living on adrenaline.

I did this too Lila. I now recognise and acknowledge my anger and insecurity/control/people pleasing behaviours.

You're so busy trying to control BF, and your environment in attempt to feel more secure and safe, you don't recognise the cost involved, and that the only true locus of control you possess is over YOURSELF. Not your environment, not others. Control YOUR own inner life Lila and be free of the worry and stress. Create your own security within.


I hope you do take this and all the advice and perspectives people have contributed here in the spirit in which it is intended. We've walked a little further ahead in the same moccassins. We want to help you, not pick you apart.

[cat04]

Cat, like I keep asking everyone - specifics help.

Lila

Nobody can live your life for you during this

Specifics for us , are different than they would be for you

So I'm not sure how anyone's specifics could relate to what you are going through

You want specifics for one of two reasons:

Because you are afraid of the advice, that could lead you to having your OWN tools to become better , and are unwilling to take that look inside.

OR

So that you can try someone elses advice on your situation, and when things go bad ?

You can once again , say that you didn't know better -----and become the victim



It is not that any one of us doesn't want to help you

The advice that gets posted to you, gets discounted by you, as not being helpful, when in actuality, it is about trying to give you the tools so that your specifics, stay specific to you

What good does that do me?

None, if you are unwilling to take a look at it

How is that helpful?

It's not , if you are unwilling to accept help

Where do I go with that?

The sky is the limit , unless you are unwilling to take that leap of faith

[Redo]

I know i posted in your earlier threads. I decided later to be an observer. In your recent posts you have asked for specific suggestions. I can understand that. I too used to look for specific suggestions until now where i am slowly 'getting it'. Hope these help you.

1: You said that your BF uses bad words in front of D and you don't know what to do.
A : You cannot control him even though you that what he is doing is wrong. So remove your daughter from the room. But at the same time tell him that it is not good for kids to hear those kinds of words and so you are moving D to a different room. With that you did not attack him. You just let him be. I am sure he's gonna think about that. Next time, see how he responds.

2: when you eat he makes rude remarks about 'mommy is piggy'. Yup, that can p!ss you off. But dont react badly. You can either practice some calming techniques or tell him "BF : Even if it is meant to be funny, i dont like what you said about my eating. I'd appreciate if you don't talk that way"

If you have not tried talking this way. Try it and see what happens.

[ESN]

Dear Lila Girl,
I recognise a lot of your character in my own.
I'll be blunt about how I percieve what you've written here, because it won't profit you or me to be delicate about it.:

A) You are so focused on how your BF and others "make" you feel, you don't seem to realise they have feelings and perspectives different from your own that are equally as valid and a true reflection of reality to THEM!
It seems to me that you feel that your opinion is the "correct" one.

Lila, if there is one thing I've learned and am still working on fully integrating into myself...I am responsible for how I feel, no one else is.
You and I choose our perspective/outlook, on any given situation and our feelings flow from that. You and I can choose to act or react based on those feelings. I'm choosing to ACT conciously.

B)It's not about YOU. Recognise others do what they do for their own damn reasons/feelings/perspectives. They do not do what they do to deliberately piss you off! They too do the best they can with what they've got at the time.

Lila, you're going to have to grow a thicker skin and not have your life rise and fall on the actions of others. Why are you giving other people so much power to make or ruin your day?

My skin isn't as thick yet as I would like, but it's getting there. I eventually want to be in such a good emotional place no one can press my buttons or pull my strings with a mere word, look, or gesture.


C)Stress ... you're so busy dancing to other's tunes, REACTING to every crisis as you percieve it. You're esentially firefighting and living on adrenaline.

I did this too Lila. I now recognise and acknowledge my anger and insecurity/control/people pleasing behaviours.

You're so busy trying to control BF, and your environment in attempt to feel more secure and safe, you don't recognise the cost involved, and that the only true locus of control you possess is over YOURSELF. Not your environment, not others. Control YOUR own inner life Lila and be free of the worry and stress. Create your own security within.


I hope you do take this and all the advice and perspectives people have contributed here in the spirit in which it is intended. We've walked a little further ahead in the same moccassins. We want to help you, not pick you apart.

Beautiful. Thank you. This post just made me cry.

It is very comforting.

I'm particularly concerned with the stress right now. I may put D in daycare (against my wishes, but what can I do) if I can find a reliable sitter to come to my home.

At the very least, I made the right decision for myself given my circumstances. While I do believe D needs me more in her life right now, I am trying to take care of me first so I can take care of her -

Once I get better, I can be a good mom. I am right now, but I'm scattered, stressed, and exhausted.

Any advice you can give on stress/coping would be helpful - ie. what you would do in my ... moccasins

Or an example of some of the actions you took in your life that helped - I would really love love love to hear that.

Thank you for taking the time to write that -

[ESN]

I know i posted in your earlier threads. I decided later to be an observer. In your recent posts you have asked for specific suggestions. I can understand that. I too used to look for specific suggestions until now where i am slowly 'getting it'. Hope these help you.

1: You said that your BF uses bad words in front of D and you don't know what to do.
A : You cannot control him even though you that what he is doing is wrong. So remove your daughter from the room. But at the same time tell him that it is not good for kids to hear those kinds of words and so you are moving D to a different room. With that you did not attack him. You just let him be. I am sure he's gonna think about that. Next time, see how he responds.

2: when you eat he makes rude remarks about 'mommy is piggy'. Yup, that can p!ss you off. But dont react badly. You can either practice some calming techniques or tell him "BF : Even if it is meant to be funny, i dont like what you said about my eating. I'd appreciate if you don't talk that way"

If you have not tried talking this way. Try it and see what happens.

Thank you. This is the tack I've been taking. It seems to work or at least it allows me to maintain my energy and not give it away through my reactions (anger, stress, etc.) and also not holding it in and feeling hostage to it.

I did this today - he was helping me with D so I could work and he took the morning off. I thanked him - I was in the middle of something, and he let D loose, she ran up to me, started whining and he just walked away. If I did that to him, I would hear about it. I said, "What does this mean?" He said, "What?" I said, "I'm not sure what you need." He said, "Oh, I have to work now." I said, "Oh, you hadn't communicated that, but now I know." He said, "Oh yeah, sorry. Can you put her down for a nap?" I said, "Sure."

Just simply taking care of myself - a simple communication. He responded and EVEN APOLOGIZED - which he NEVER does - never owns it. So it was nice that he did that.

If he wants just as much right to D during custody etc etc. and all the rest, he can have just as much right to being responsible for her now. We were both up later with her, we both have to work, we're both tired. The ball can't always always always fall in my court (I just stopped picking it up today and he took care of her and I got some stuff done). And that helped me feel human and less resentful/angry.

It's really nice when he steps up.

[ESN]

I know i'm breaking my promise to KD by writing on here, and i do want to take a break but ...

Something just came to me. About stress. And boundaries, and reactions and responses.

I'm kind of a fast-paced person. I'm like high-speed ahead. I can do a lot in a day. But does that really serve me? To do so much all the time? I mean, I need to work, and I need to cook and eat and keep a clean house and raise my kid - but.

I wonder if I can conserve energy more and slow down. To protect my energy and feel less stressed. To try to respond more simply (less analysis and computation)

I feel like I can do that if I were to slow down. But how would I slow down?

I pride myself on being an effective person who gets everything done on time and ahead of time. But it's clearly making me crazy. What if I just dropped stuff for a while? Like that feeling you have on vacation - you just edit out a bunch of crap.

I just feel like I'm responding to too much all at once - it's too much. And I think I feel like I *have to* keep responding to it.

Do I?

Like my family never calls to see how I am. They call b/c they want something from me - even if it's an invite, it feels like a demand.

I just want to slow down for a while. I can try.

[Redo]

Good for you. If it helps, keep a small diary where you record these lil achievements of yours. Be honest and give a +1 to your good reactions and -1 to bad ones. Maybe at the end of the day, count them. Dont worry too much if you have some -1's. Psychologically, you will be driven to have more +1 and fewer -1. I did that at the beginning of my sitch and it helped me find my center.

Another big thing that 25 suggested which did not make sense at the beginning was "The heart follows the mind"

In your case what it means is : say your BF did something not agreeable. Seems like there are tons of those for you guys everyday. So when that event happens, force your mind to not dwell on it too much. Yup, recognize what happened. reply in non-attacking way if needed and then throw it out of your mind. Very hard to throw it out. I know. What i did was think about my favorite stuff. Like my hobbies, movies i wanted to watch etc. What you have done is.

1: Responded back in a way that is not attcking to him. So he will not feel compelled, controlled or attacked by you. Keep doing this and he will slowly start realizing his own mistakes.

2: You will have developed a habit of not letting little things bother you. If you want to reach a better place emotionally, this is important. Don't sweat the little stuff. Once you do this, you will become more appealing to your BF. What this means is "unless he asks for your feedback, dont involve yourself in his drama". This means to 'lovingly detach yourself'. Not with spite or anger, but with calmness. If you start doing this consciously for a while, it will become second nature. I can vouch for that. I used to hang onto every positive/negative interaction i had with my wife. I dont anymore. Does not mean that i dont care. Means that my reactions have simmered down.

LG i think i've said this before. When your R is on this rocky road, all kinds of bad stuff can come out. Really nasty ones. Don't react to them. You will just make yourself miserable. One trick i tried and worked for me was to consider 1 year from the time W filed for divorce as a '0 year'. Which means that any bad stuff that happens in this year, I am not gonna take it to heart and will not care. Does not matter how bad. marriage ending, losing job, death anything. When you tell yourself that, you have given yourself enough time to let most of nasty stuff pass by. Since you guys have a baby now and might run into the guilt that you are missing out on important time with your daughter: Let that go too.

Good luck!

[ESN]

Wow, MK - very sweet and kind advice. I am getting to the places you are talking about slowly but surely.

Yesterday the stuff with my family was a big wakeup call. I feel controlled by that stuff and "hostage" to it and trapped by all these people. My fault, but I don't want to feel that way anymore. I am imagining how things could have gone differently - and I'm getting it more now and eager to put it into practice.

I'm also thinking of allowing - what I like to allow and what I don't want to allow - I like allowing thoughts of Italy, I like allowing my work to flow and money to flow, I like allowing being a good mom and my friends who are great connections. I like allowing love, and naps, and neighbors and movies.

All the rest? It's kind of like you said - you just don't sweat it - I almost imagine to the point where it doesn't register. Like is it italy? My being a better mom? my friends, etc. And just let it go.

But I also like having very simple boundaries "that feels hurtful to me." Or "please don't do that in front of me." (those aren't perfect, b/c I've used them on BF before and it seems to somehow encourage more beahvior - but I hope we can talk about that in MC)

BTW - just scheduled our first MC appt which is actually not for two more weeks. But that's fine. This week I need to break from this a while, and next we may go away - then D turns 2, etc. and if he is still on his way out the door, I feel okay with that prospect again. So I'm less panicked about it.

Anyway, the zero year is interesting. I do have the guilt of missing precious time with my D and I feel tremendous sadness over it. But part of me goes - would it be better to have been running off to Italy this year or ignoring all this? I mean, it's a huge growth experience for me and I am grateful for it -

The toxic stuff I'm trying to practice blowing out from my mouth - just keeping it outside of me, and also doing some visualization/mediation and breathing at least once a day, which is really really nice.

[ESN]

MK, do you have a link to some of your story? Did your wife end up filing? When she left for six months did she take D? Just curious you guys are of similar age/with child similar age - went back in your posts and couldn't find it.

But thanks again for your kind support.

[KenF]

"and then BF makes snorting sounds and says "mommy is a piggy" -
Do I ignore it? Say "that's not nice"?"

no, you laugh about it, and make more piggy noises and make your kid laugh.

1. it immediately takes away any power in his words.
2. it lightens the mood
3. it makes your skin grow thicker.


my x was passive/aggressive, as i am too, and she'd throw things like this at me, but much more hurtful. eventually i learned to laugh it off as it were nothing. it takes some creativity to find humor in those words, but they're there.

and now, years later, its still funny.