Feels Like I'm In Two-a-Days

[jbnati]

mgm, this is why you need to stop looking at her, and focus on within.

You are the only option for a strong steady leader.

Agreed. Unfortunately, I think you are primarily relegated to leading by example.

[Telemark]

"This seems to be a pattern with several of us around here. Our WASs are harboring hurts from the past. They are not learning the true meaning of forgiveness."

The term I've learned regarding this is "Injustice Collector". And it seems to be more prevalent in women - sorry, not trying to be sexist here. My W is still angry at her mother for things that happened 40 years ago, and at me for something I jokingly said 11 years ago. She can recall arguments and thoughtless words between us that occurred years ago, and from which I had completely moved on.

Those issues run very deep and there is nothing we can do to even begin to help. It is completely up to the person suffering from these unforgiven hurts to admit they need counseling to deal with them and move on with their own lives.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Dreams/Nightmare...are just dreams and nightmares. Try NOT to let them affect or direct you in a course of action...like calling to find out if the OM is beating her.

Usually won't end well for you.

Mgm,

I do not know the dynamic between you and your wife, but you seem to be really good friends...in fact it seems like even if you both do get a divorce she is going to be extremely friendly with you.

You also seem to be an 'Acts of Service' type of Love Language.

You are seemingly an extremely nice guy...extremely.

I'm not sure I can convey this properly, without offending, it is not the intent.

Do you get mad, or are you the peace at any cost type?

I'm not used to seeing guys, so able to be pleasant in the face of what you are going through, normally its like pulling teeth...which sounds strange because your doing it so well...I wonder if that is part of the problem...catering to her too much.

[MadeToSucceed]

You're definitely right on the Acts of Service end. That is me through and through. Yes I get mad but I've found it to usually hurt me more than anything. Blowing up just leaves me fuming and she just goes on like nothing. Trust me it is not easy and maybe you are right...maybe I am catering too much. But the months of April, May and June were absolutely brutal. There was not much friendliness at all. July was a tad better but only because she was overseas and I was relegated to just text communication.

My W and I were best friends before we got married and so in a sense, I do miss that and have taken a "take what I can get" approach at times so I think there is something to your observation Jack.

I know I'm depressed. I exhibit all the symptoms of it and I'm just trying to find a way to pull myself out of this rut.

[♪CS♪]

mgm,

We share a lot of commons with our sitchs.

For a long time I played the "friend card."

I too was very good friends with W. A lot of our R was built on us just liking to hang out together. So losing the friendship was also something I feared.

I also thought it was a positive that my W was also friendly with me.

Sometimes it may be.

But for me, it took some beatings and luckily some wise people on this board to make me realize that her 'nice' was just that. It was not connected with her actually moving any closer to out M.

It also kept me in a funk. Because I was always looking at her. What she was doing. Saying. Etc. Putting your happiness in the hands of a WAW I found, is not a good thing

You have acknowledged your issues of depression. That is a great first step. Should be priority #1 at this point.

If your not thinking with a clear head, you're destined to continue to make the same mistakes.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Nice guys tend to be taken advantage of.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy, who stands up for themselves. Who...isn't nice, when it is warrented.

Not saying go Hulk.

Not saying turn into the dickish.

Maybe not so nice...

You DON'T have to smile when you're eating a crap sandwhich, nor do youo you have to ask for more or ask her if you can get her dry cleaning when your done with lunch.

In DR your told to stop saying "I love you's" because it reminds them that they (currently) "Don't love you" or not the way they should.

So if Acts of Service is your love language...your way of showing: "I love you"...

Tone it back.

[MadeToSucceed]

She messaged me earlier and said she's praying for me. It was on our blackberry messenger so it lets you know when the message is delivered once you open it. I waited for 5 hours before I opened it because I knew she'd be sleep.

Thought about responding "Praying for you too." Haven't done it and I'm strongly considering that I'm not going to respond at all. Not sure how she'll take that or what that says about me but it's something I'm conflicted over in spite of how she's treated me. I know...too much nice guy. I guess the spiritual side of me says letting her know I'm praying for her also and nothing more doesn't hurt but the in-constant-pain side of me tells me to protect myself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Would it move you closer to or further away from your goal?
Would it matter if she knew?

[MadeToSucceed]

The first question...I honestly don't know either way.

As for the second, I suppose it wouldn't. As long as I'm praying for her on my own it's not necessarily something I have to tell her. That doesn't amplify the prayer or anything I don't think.

Thanks for that thought/perspective.

[MadeToSucceed]

I never responded to her saying she was praying for me yesterday.

About 7am this morning she messaged me:

W: Went out and jogged on my leg today. Its still grabbing the spot, so I'm headed back to the doctor. Staying prayerful.

I didn't respond for a few hours when I did it was simply two Bible verses. She thanked me and I didn't continue anymore conversation from there. Haven't heard from her since, which I'm ok with.

I'm moving out Friday so I have to get some bills switched over, one of which requires a notary or both of us going to the utility provider together in person. Others require her to call in so when she gets back Sunday, I'll probably have to go by there one day next week so we can sit down and discuss it all...something I'm not really looking forward to honestly.