Just Be

[Denver_2010]

I will respect your wishes Denver.

But I DO understand your position, it is no different than anyone else's...

I can understand why my statement 'move on' upset you. Your W has been saying it for 8 months and you just won't. You just didn't.

You have come to the DB board but you don't DB... I truly believe that had you DB'ed for any length of time you and your W would be in a better place, and still could be. But I understand you don't need my opinion.


Boundaries are not my 'philosophy'. They are part of DB.


Anyway, it appears your way is working for you.


Good luck...

SBH Out...

Your sarcasm doesn't go unnoticed SBH.

Your statement to 'move on' didn't upset me SBH. That is a very valid opinion on my situation. What I don't want to get into here any longer is what is and what isn't an 'affair' ... nor do I want to get into a convo on how out of M R's with OPs should never be tolerated. Every situation is different.

Boundaries are a part of DB, but only if they are used correctly. I haven't done it correctly in the past. We can debate whether or not I should have done this or that... and when I should have done this or that... all day.

The bottom line is that I am where I am.

AND, I will say that even if others think that I should have drawn a line in the sand long ago, I KNOW that I have given my W a long look at some serious changes in myself that she would not have had a chance to see if I had not spent as much time with her as I have over the past several months.

For the most part, she saw a Denver that is much different than the Denver she left. Not everything that needs to be changed with Denver has been... but a lot has. She saw it, she acknowledges it, and hopefully, it will give her something to think about as time goes by.

Will I still be there if that happens? I don't know any longer. I am trying to move on with my life the best that I can as if she will not be a part of it. I'm going to let her live her life so that she can figure her issues out.

I simply don't want to debate whether or not she is having an affair or whether or not I should have or should be setting some sort of boundary.

Denver

[Denver_2010]

SBH - Please don't use my thread to promote your philosophy on this stuff. I get your position on all of it. By all means, start a new thread so it can be discussed.

I don't mean to be a jerk about this, but I'm tired of being told how to define my W's R with OM... and I'm tired of being told that I am weak for handling my situation the way that I've handled it.

I have a different view of things... MY situation. That's all.

Denver,

Since you never responded to either of my posts, I'm going to assume you're including me in this as well, and I'm going to bow out. It's pretty clear that the type of advice I'm giving to you is only aggravating you, and that's the last thing I want right now, as you're in enough pain already.

I will continue to follow along, and do pray for you often, for your success. If I'm misunderstanding, just let me know.

thanks,

Starsky

Ugh...

I'm not asking anyone to bow out. I simply don't want the same retread statements on how affairs should never be tolerated.

Maybe this is a better way of stating it...

I do not view my W's R with OM as an Affair... It is a R that she allowed to happen after she left me with the intention of moving on with her life. All that was left of our M when she left was a piece of paper... that is all that is left of it now. I am not religious, so I do not view things from that perspective.

So let's not debate the above.

I have not responded to your posts Starsky, because I simply don't have any answers right now. It's not that I haven't read them or considered them. I really haven't responded to any posts on this thread until SBH's.

I'm aggravated right now bc I am frustrated with my situation and my inability to successfullly reconcile my M. I feel like a prisoner who has had a steak dinner put within inches of his reach for 5 months, only to have it taken away before he had a chance to eat it.

That's why I am so aggravated. Not because of anyone on this board.

I appreciate everyone here.... yes, you Starsky ... and SBH.

Denver

[Mach1]

D,

Just a thought here , and I hope you don't mind.....

The OW....

Often , when we go through something like this, we seek that external validation, mostly to know that we aren't as terrible as we have been accused of.

The normal human instinct is, that we seek that from the opposite sex.

Things , because of the situation , can easily become out of hand , and we end up actually getting that from a person that we ultimately do not want it from....

But because of our own hurt , betrayal , loneliness, etc , we allow ourselves to fall into that trap.

We end up 'connecting' with a person that has seen similar pain in their life , and that becomes a lifeline from them.

What usually happens, is that what we end up taking from that person, is the emotional connection that we seek from our wayward spouses.

Is what you are getting from OW, what you want from your wife ?

What voice do you "hear" when she speaks ?

This is one fo the reasons that the failure rate for second and third marriages is so freakin high...

We start something before we are healed fully from the past.

Is that fair to the OW ?

Better yet, is that fair to YOU ?

I know this story well my friend , as many here have also known.

Please consider that innocent people will get hurt...

I will also pass along something, the way it was put to me.....

Do not , let your wife off the hook for this.....

[Sad_but_happy]

Sorry for the sarcasm.. It was out of line...

Let's forget any idea of an A... It really makes no difference..

What angers me is your W continually telling half truths and/or lying about OM over and over... And she blames YOU...

And she continues to talk/email/see him... It's disrespectful... And NO ONE deserves being treated that way...

My problem is I put myself in your shoes and imagine your pain.. I even feel it to some degree.



But I believe you're right Denver.

My advice and my way of thinking will never fit you or your sitch.

So I will respectfully and with 100% sincerity sit on the sidelines and watch...

And pray for you.

[d1adsl5a]

Denver,

When my wife finally moved out, I ran as fast as I could to find the next "wife" for me. I ended up meeting the most wonderful woman you could imagine. She was everything I wanted. Everything that was missing in my marriage. It was the best 8 months I ever could imagine. Then it happened...My insomnia, my anxiety everything came back. I thought that i wasn't in love. I broke it off. i ran from her. I spent the next 3 months staring at the walls wondering why I couldn't love, why I couldn't feel anything. I called her up, she took me back. Things still weren't exactly right until it finally hit me...

I am not healed yet. I had built up so many walls in my marriage so I wouldn't get hurt. I didn't like the person I became. If I didn't like myself or I didn't feel whole, how can I be with someone else and share a life. To Mach's point, you have to heal yourself. I am lucky that I this woman that i met is understanding and patient. She has been through it herself. But there is a reason why second marriages fail so much. People aren't ready..The OW fills a void and they don't need to go through all the stages. Well, you do have to go through all the stages. Otherwise, it will come back to haunt you later...I tried skipping a few and it came back to haunt me....

Take your time, slow down. Learn how to live again. Learn what makes you happy. If this OW is worth it, she will understand and be patient with you.

But don't rush into things. You need to heal. You may not even understand what part needs healing, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when it did...

[Harrier]

D

I think you burn up the emotional fuel by having too many R talks. (Oh how I know) I think that is one good reason to avoid them. I can see you are on empty with a lot of things - patience, loneliness, etc.

That's why I think people were suggesting some sort of time out. it was as much for you as for your W. It's hard to sit and just wait and watch. But sometimes that's all there is to do.
But with the time out, you have to distract yourself (with things other than the OW) Heck you live in Colorado. Go camping for a long weekend where there is no cell service.

This time apart is a gift to you and the M. If you look at it that way it's hard to be resentful of that kind of gift.

At times, it feels like we are hostages to our W's "decision." But in reality we too have a choice. We are choosing to continue.


BTW I relate to your story. I knew a girl from when I went to elementary school. We got along great and when I saw her at my reunion we picked up like the years were never between us (Although it was purely platonic so I viewed her more as sisterly)

[Denver_2010]

And she continues to talk/email/see him... It's disrespectful... And NO ONE deserves being treated that way...

^^^^ This part we can certainly agree on. That is why I am removing myself from the situation for now.

[Denver_2010]

Is that fair to the OW ?

Better yet, is that fair to YOU ?

Probably not Mach.

I will also pass along something, the way it was put to me.....

Do not , let your wife off the hook for this.....

I must be dense. I don't get your meaning with this ^^^.

[Mach1]

I will also pass along something, the way it was put to me.....

Do not , let your wife off the hook for this.....

I must be dense. I don't get your meaning with this ^^^.

I am sure your brain hurts....

But I am gonna let you think about what this means to you for a while.....

[GAL Man]

Denver

My 2p (English money LOL)

I agree with harriers opening paragraph

It must be draining to have sooooooo many R talks, and do we get out of it what we hope, want or yern for........

A lot of the time the answer is a big fat NO

Stand back........

Take time out for Denver, figure out what YOU want out of life, M and a partner.

I am not got got to preach, or say what you should have done, IMHO you have always done what you think is best for your own individual situation, and whilst that hadn't always been the db way, It has been your way....so respect to that......

Time to reflect now

Recharge YOU

GAL

Be happy in yourself