Dear Lila Girl, I recognise a lot of your character in my own. I'll be blunt about how I percieve what you've written here, because it won't profit you or me to be delicate about it.:
A) You are so focused on how your BF and others "make" you feel, you don't seem to realise they have feelings and perspectives different from your own that are equally as valid and a true reflection of reality to THEM! It seems to me that you feel that your opinion is the "correct" one.
Lila, if there is one thing I've learned and am still working on fully integrating into myself...I am responsible for how I feel, no one else is. You and I choose our perspective/outlook, on any given situation and our feelings flow from that. You and I can choose to act or react based on those feelings. I'm choosing to ACT conciously.
B)It's not about YOU. Recognise others do what they do for their own damn reasons/feelings/perspectives. They do not do what they do to deliberately piss you off! They too do the best they can with what they've got at the time.
Lila, you're going to have to grow a thicker skin and not have your life rise and fall on the actions of others. Why are you giving other people so much power to make or ruin your day?
My skin isn't as thick yet as I would like, but it's getting there. I eventually want to be in such a good emotional place no one can press my buttons or pull my strings with a mere word, look, or gesture.
C)Stress ... you're so busy dancing to other's tunes, REACTING to every crisis as you percieve it. You're esentially firefighting and living on adrenaline.
I did this too Lila. I now recognise and acknowledge my anger and insecurity/control/people pleasing behaviours.
You're so busy trying to control BF, and your environment in attempt to feel more secure and safe, you don't recognise the cost involved, and that the only true locus of control you possess is over YOURSELF. Not your environment, not others. Control YOUR own inner life Lila and be free of the worry and stress. Create your own security within.
I hope you do take this and all the advice and perspectives people have contributed here in the spirit in which it is intended. We've walked a little further ahead in the same moccassins. We want to help you, not pick you apart.
Beautiful. Thank you. This post just made me cry.
It is very comforting.
I'm particularly concerned with the stress right now. I may put D in daycare (against my wishes, but what can I do) if I can find a reliable sitter to come to my home.
At the very least, I made the right decision for myself given my circumstances. While I do believe D needs me more in her life right now, I am trying to take care of me first so I can take care of her -
Once I get better, I can be a good mom. I am right now, but I'm scattered, stressed, and exhausted.
Any advice you can give on stress/coping would be helpful - ie. what you would do in my ... moccasins
Or an example of some of the actions you took in your life that helped - I would really love love love to hear that.
