WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 4

[Young at Heart]

I think that you have summarized the issues well. I think that you know your wife.

She is questioning her sexual orientation. Some women at an earlier age experiment to find out what they are comfortable with and then determine they want to get married, others marry then divorce to experiment. She sounds like she wants it both ways: being married to a man she loves and yet wants to experiment to better understand her own sexual orientation.

That is, as you say, probably really frightening to her. She probably is very afraid of finding out that she would rather have sex with another woman, as she doesn't want to loose you.

She probably also despirately wants to find out more about her own sexual orientation and yet feels that if she is free to have sex with OW, that you should be free to have sex with others as well. She understands the concept of "fairness" although not the concept of commitment. The problem is that she is knows you are really good to her and she probably loves you and doesn't want to loose you. She also probably knows that if you start having sex with other women that she can't control your heart and it could destroy your marriage. She understands the Pandora's box aspect to her quest for experimentation.

I really think that even though you wife is opposed to it, that she could really benefit from the help of a good sex therapist as could your marriage.

Absent the help of a sex therapist, is there someone who you might be able to get your wife to talk to that could provide her with some mentoring. Someone who may have done experimentation and yet knows the risks and can act as a sounding board for your wife. If your wife were religious, I would suggest a clergy-person, preferably a woman. (A Catholic nun who has sexually experimented, but who has later made a commitment to her faith might be ideal.) Absent that is there a base chaplin you could talk to and maybe ask if he could put you in touch with a woman who has been or is bisexual, but has her head on fairly straight about the importance of marriage and might be someone who your wife could talk to about what is frightening her. Again, just going to a sex therapist would be a better route, but this might be more acceptable to your wife.

I am really not happy with myself for what I am about to write. Please try to get others to talk you out of it. I see it as a final nuclear-type option, but here goes....

If all this fails and it were me and I wanted to end the drama, I might try a two-step process. First I would take us to a nude beach so she got to see and be seen, I might even start talking to some women on the beach and get them to sit and talk to you and your wife (I would make damn sure that nothing sexual happened either on the beach or afterwards with them). Afterwards, I would ask my wife if she really still wanted to risk your marriage though sexual experimentation as she has indicated in the past. Then I would reluctantly find out where the nearest legal brothel was or FKK club that provides services to a husband and wife was located and make an appointment with the madame. I would talk to the manager of the facility ahead of time, tell her your situation and that you want to pay for a woman who will explore your wife's desire for bisexual experimentation, that you want to be present, and that while you probably don't want any services, you want that as an option and will pay for it even if the woman does nothing with you. Ask the manager, if she has a woman who can help you save your marriage. After I did that, I would probably go cry myself a river and do some crazy GAL stuff to try to forget what was about to happen.

Then I would put on a smiley face and tell my wife the arrangements I had made and tell her we were both going to do this with no backing out, but that there was a condition and the condition was going to a sex theapist to talk about it afterwards, because you will need help to deal with the aftermath.

I realy think that it could open Pandora's box and could destroy the marriage, but I also sence that you see your relationship in a deep cycle and that the two of you need to do something to get out of it. I think that getting out of your wife's problem and rebuilding your marriage will require the help of a "neutral" person, a sex therapist or counselor of some form. Your own personal ethics and your commitments to your wife and the military would also weigh heavily upon my decision. I could see getting could feet, I would try to make sure that if my wife really wanted to do this that I would not participate except with my wife.

While it would be better for her to seek help now, she doesn't sound like that is something she wants. Again, I would try finding someone who could talk to my wife first. I would try something that might scare her away from her sexual exploration, such as your strip club experience or a nude beach, (or nude couples massage at a legitimate spa). Then an only then would I help her open Pandora's box, but I would try to get her to understand that you will both need help dealing with the aftermath of such an event and ask her to commit to going to seek such help with you, as you will need it and you will need her by your side as you get help. Tell her that it is not about fixing her or changing any of her ideas, it will be about helping you deal with your demons.

I am going on a vacation for the next month and will be away from my computer. So I want to wish you and your wife luck.

I have really enjoyed sharing experiences and thoughts with you and hope that things go well for you. Continue your GAL, seek and listen to others, but follow your heart.

One the smartest men I know once explained to me that the ultimate in ethics was the Cub Scout motto, to try to "...do your best." If you really do your best and things go wrong then at least you will know that you could have not done anything else that might have saved you from what happened.

I do so wish you and your wife luck.