Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[rh24]

So what's your strategy for asking for what you want moving forward?

I know it's not an 'ask for it once and if you don't get it just forget about it' thing. You're still not getting what you want.

I'm sure others, particularly Sandi, should weigh in here.

At this point I'm just 'living vicariously through you' as I didn't feel that I was at the 'ask for what you want' place, but maybe I should try it and see as you did...

[Psych77]

I would love to hear from someone else on this matter. I kind of dropped it, as I don't want to start nagging ...not a good thing to do, when your spouse is already not particularly inclined to your company.

Like I said before, right now I am taking it as an instance of my being strong - to assert the importance of my own feelings in a non-demanding way.

But I don't know if I should pursue it further.

[rh24]

I would think NOT asking...at least for a while. ALTHOUGH - if it is a good 180, maybe so. Again - I'm in the same boat, so I'm likely not the best advisor - I don't trust my own opinion at this point, wouldn't want you to try my advice!

[Psych77]

Gotcha!

I'm also not the one to give advice right now (I did a couple of times when I had just started, but not such a great idea). Once I have had some success, or feel more competent, maybe...

Mostly, I post here as a way of journaling. The comments I get from others are wonderful input, and they also motivate me not to go too long without putting in. Paper journal never did that for me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree about not asking.

But...no passive agrressive behaviour from you if she doesn't do what you want her do without you telling her.

[~ kd ~]

Psych and RH... I think you two are doing a great job working this kind of stuff through, together...

You both know DB techniques and have been doing the work, so while you might be stumbling in your own sitches, you certainly can offer "the word" as it were, of DBing...

And as Jack stated... you've made the ask, now move on... if your W does not give, it is probably not because she did not hear you... not that she did not understand what you were asking for...

It's most likely because she can't or won't give you what you asked for... at least not right now...

It does not have to mean that you stop asking for other things that you might want, that she might be willing to give...

But keep it slow... remember... marathon... never too much at once and never too fast...

[rh24]

So on the 'passive aggressive' thing and 'not asking'. I am reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and it's a revelation. As a 'Nice Guy' I see my patterns of never being able to divulge my needs clearly, so it won't put me in a situation to be disappointed, but then when my 'unspoken contract' is not fulfilled I become resentful.

There's likely some awareness/insight you might gain from checking out that book.

[Psych77]

Thanks. That sounds like it might have something for me.

Still, gotta get through DR first. I am, unfortunately, an excruciatingly slow reader.

[Psych77]

Well, pulled out a new pad of drawing paper last night, and started drawing. What I have in progress is no masterpiece, but it is OK for a first attempt in YEARS (literally).

Was just trying to come up with something that I used to do when I had my own life - something I liked, that I was proud of. Something that was me.

W never came around to look. I figure if she is ever interested in what I am doing, she will express curiosity.

Right now, this is one thing I am doing that is just about me. The one thing I want right now is to be a person I wouldn't be bored being around. Up to this point I have had nothing to talk about, nothing interesting in my life beyond my responsibilities to my family. A worthy goal to be sure, but I think that my company would inspire snores more than anything else.

I think more than that, having something that I love, something I am passionate about, makes me feel more like a person, rather than a machine that carries out its function and then turns off (sleeps) at night.

Had something interesting happen to me today. I actually got into a conversation with someone at work. She is a young, pleasant sort. Don't worry - I didn't even THINK about having an A. She was talking about the business trip her husband was on, and we talked about careers and such. Really a brief conversation, but I kept it alive for a little while by asking questions about her situation and life. Probably doesn't seem like much to most, but for me it was a HUGE step forward. Most of my life I haven't known how to engage in "small talk," and I get uncomfortable and anxious when there is nothing specific to talk about. My therapist has been telling me for a while that I need to forget about myself and ask questions about the other person. And today I finally got the opportunity to try it, and it worked! If you still don't get what's the big deal...well, it's an Asperger thing, you wouldn't understand Now, I actually know a little better how to talk to people, and might actually make some friends - wow, what a concept! And better yet, I need to start practicing that skill with W (when she talks to me. Don't want to pursue). I think she might just be happy to see that I have found a new way to show interest in what she has to say.

By the way, W asked me how my day was yesterday! It was a little forced. That's not a bad thing - it let me know that she was doing it on purpose, which shows me that she wants our marriage to get better, even if her emotional state right now leaves her incapable of making more forceful efforts. That's OK. She has waited so long for me to start doing something. I can wait for her. She is so worth it.

Slow day at work. I can get a little reading in.

[Psych77]

OK, reading Step 5, particularly the LRT. Found out that LRT is appropriate for us, because

"You and your spouse still live together but have very little to do with each other. You may be sleeping in separate rooms (no), have virtually no communication (yes), and little or no sexual contact (yes)."

So, reading "Step 3" of LRT, I realize that I kind of botched it up when W asked me about my asking for what I wanted. I shouldn't have mentioned the book, should just have said I was doing things differently.

Well, I will steer clear of the subject. I don't bring the book into the house, because I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I am doing this. I just want to make the changes I need to make.