Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Yeah, I guess W has kind of checked out...emotionally, anyway. But I am really holding myself strictly to the whole routine - historically I am very good at justifying skipping things that I convince myself "don't apply to me" (translation: I don't want to do them). I'm notorious for not "doing the homework." So, I am not letting myself off the hook for anything, unless I truly believe it would be harmful - and I really didn't think this would be.

When I asked W for what I wanted, she expressed some doubt about how much she really wanted to talk with me right now. I said I understood, and that there was no harm in asking, and she said, "You're right, there isn't." It was actually very encouraging. She seemed to be pleased (in a small way) that I was straightforward with her in that matter. And I was glad that she could honestly express her misgivings to me, instead of just demonstrating them. So overall, the initial interaction was positive, from my perspective.

Since then...well, she hasn't asked me again about my day. It doesn't really bother me. It was actually kind of a growth experience to ask for something, when I am already feeling so much at a disadvantage, and so guilty for all the ways I have contributed to the discord in our marriage. An exercise in treating myself like my feelings count.

And, to come full circle, it is an experience I wouldn't have had if I had excused myself from this step because W is checked out. So, while I agree with you, our situation probably qualifies as one where I could have skipped step 3, in the end it not only didn't do any harm, it actually was the source of some progress.

Today, I have been very neurotic. W and 5 kids are going to take a 5 day trip without me starting Friday. I decided I wouldn't come (for multiple reasons), and thought it would be good for me - assert my separateness from W, give myself some time to take care of me, get my thoughts sorted out, etc. Now, I am starting to freak out. Our M, although riddled with problems for some time, really hit the rocks when I was living away from the family in the midst of an attempt to move across country. W learned that she didn't need me, could get along without me, was less stressed when I wasn't there. I came back and we were more distant than ever before. So, part of me is afraid of this coming separation, though brief - will she become more convinced that "without me" is a better way to be?

As I type it out, it seems kind of ridiculous. A brief trip can only give us space. It would be hard for so little time to result in that much greater distance. But most fears are irrational - especially the fear that makes us cling to our distant spouses, when this only pushes them out the door.

Read through Sandi's list (linked on another thread), and I realize how much difficulty I am having being consistent in these changes. I haven't been exactly successful - each day I look over the previous night, and recall times when I was acting needy or desperate, or when I lost the opportunity to learn to be happy and fulfilled - a "whole" person. I have spent so long being a half a person, needing my other half, that it is really an effort to try to be my own being. Need to work on that.