Denver i have been following your posts from Jan but rarely posted on your sitch.
I can relate to your being in 'hell'. But i wonder if it is because you really miss your W or is it because now you have OW and you are scared to move forward in that direction.
At some point, make your decision, make peace with it no matter what and move on. If you make peace to move on with OW, then move on in that direction. I think, then your interactions with your W will reduce because you are enjoying a new R. Who knows...your W may really miss you and try to come back.
Don't try to split your heart in two right now. Your W made is clear about herself. Lucky that you still have OW. I agree with others about threading carefully here. But if you are looking for some companionship and if being with OW might reduce your pain a bit, then go on that route and be happy.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
"this is why some of us believe so strongly that the time for boundaries is EARLY, not later on"
Adultery is wrong...
And in our pain...
Our desire to keep our S...
We are too ready to overlook the lies...
The cheating...
The ultimate disrespect...
Forgive without accountability or consequence...
And we allow them to place ALL the blame on us...
Sorry, doesn't work that way!
Boundaries First... M second!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Agree with everyone who advocates setting boundaries. How can someone love you if they can't respect you? How can they respect you if you don't respect yourself?
When I found out H was continuing with OW, I said, "You cannot do that while you live here, and you cannot live here while you do that."
He's now moved out. Is he continuing with OW? Yes. Do I have to know about it under my roof? No. Is it good for me? Yes. Does it possibly give him time to reflect on what being alone, only seeing his S 3 times a week, and only having an "online" relationship is like? I hope so.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
"this is why some of us believe so strongly that the time for boundaries is EARLY, not later on"
Adultery is wrong...
And in our pain...
Our desire to keep our S...
We are too ready to overlook the lies...
The cheating...
The ultimate disrespect...
Forgive without accountability or consequence...
And we allow them to place ALL the blame on us...
Sorry, doesn't work that way!
Boundaries First... M second!
SBH - Please don't use my thread to promote your philosophy on this stuff. I get your position on all of it. By all means, start a new thread so it can be discussed.
I don't mean to be a jerk about this, but I'm tired of being told how to define my W's R with OM... and I'm tired of being told that I am weak for handling my situation the way that I've handled it.
I have a different view of things... MY situation. That's all.
The reason that I am responding this way SBH is because your post is more of a sermon on adultery, how it is wrong, and how it shouldn't be put up with, than it is an opinion on how I should proceed in my particular sitch...
Which I believe that you stated in your previous post... 'MOVE ON'...
So I get it. But I don't think that you fully understand my particular situation or my position on all of this.
Thanks, Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"this is why some of us believe so strongly that the time for boundaries is EARLY, not later on"
Adultery is wrong...
And in our pain...
Our desire to keep our S...
We are too ready to overlook the lies...
The cheating...
The ultimate disrespect...
Forgive without accountability or consequence...
And we allow them to place ALL the blame on us...
Sorry, doesn't work that way!
Boundaries First... M second!
SBH - Please don't use my thread to promote your philosophy on this stuff. I get your position on all of it. By all means, start a new thread so it can be discussed.
I don't mean to be a jerk about this, but I'm tired of being told how to define my W's R with OM... and I'm tired of being told that I am weak for handling my situation the way that I've handled it.
I have a different view of things... MY situation. That's all.
The reason that I am responding this way SBH is because your post is more of a sermon on adultery, how it is wrong, and how it shouldn't be put up with, than it is an opinion on how I should proceed in my particular sitch...
Which I believe that you stated in your previous post... 'MOVE ON'...
So I get it. But I don't think that you fully understand my particular situation or my position on all of this.
Thanks, Denver
^^^^
thanks Jack... but maybe we could debate the merits of both on a different thread. I'm in no mood to debate it here.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I hesitate to post because you probably won't like what I'm going to say but here goes.
You are losing respect for yourself and your M with your dalliance.
Granted your W hasn't shown you much, but since time you simply haven't given her that chance. You've been in her face numerous times asking for her to make a decision. She wants time. You can't even respect that. How can she trust you with your other "changes?"
You have been doing this for what 7 months tops. She had to live with years of you hurting her, from her point of view. I say this not to keep score but for you to understand where she is coming from. You can't fix that in a few months.
So then what is your reaction to it. You do the EXACT thing that she did to hurt you so much. You found yourself a playdate. I don't know if it was for ego, or companionship, or to get back at her or because you really connected with the OW. But the point is you went back on your word, you were deceitful and dishonest about it.
The OW seems to have something going on. I think you rightfully called out the OM because he was pursing a married woman. Yet this is what your OW is doing pursing a married man.
Now all this stuff about boundaries is just words...for both of you.
The whole "just be" speech should have been without the presences of the OW. Now R is impossible for both of you with the presence of OPs.
I dunno. It's your life and your consequences. I do hope you find peace and find it for the right reasons.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
"this is why some of us believe so strongly that the time for boundaries is EARLY, not later on"
Adultery is wrong...
And in our pain...
Our desire to keep our S...
We are too ready to overlook the lies...
The cheating...
The ultimate disrespect...
Forgive without accountability or consequence...
And we allow them to place ALL the blame on us...
Sorry, doesn't work that way!
Boundaries First... M second!
SBH - Please don't use my thread to promote your philosophy on this stuff. I get your position on all of it. By all means, start a new thread so it can be discussed.
I don't mean to be a jerk about this, but I'm tired of being told how to define my W's R with OM... and I'm tired of being told that I am weak for handling my situation the way that I've handled it.
I have a different view of things... MY situation. That's all.
The reason that I am responding this way SBH is because your post is more of a sermon on adultery, how it is wrong, and how it shouldn't be put up with, than it is an opinion on how I should proceed in my particular sitch...
Which I believe that you stated in your previous post... 'MOVE ON'...
So I get it. But I don't think that you fully understand my particular situation or my position on all of this.
Thanks, Denver
^^^^ I'm quoting the above just so it doesn't get missed.
Harrier... I think that you are right. Unfortunately. OW and I made a connection because we went to school together literally from kindergarten through h.s. graduation. We reconnected about 9 years ago and went on a few dates. I met W and ended things with OW. This is why it was so easy for OW and I to make a connection during my h.s. reunion weekend.
Do I think it is a mistake? I'm beginning to.
I've been at this for going on 9 months. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. And quite frankly, I'm running out of emotional fuel... All of this is causing me to consider other things.
The bottom line, whether or not I pursue anything with OW, is that I need to move on with my life as if W will not be a part of it. I need to let her live her life and see where the chips fall.
My biggest concerns with OW are:
1) that I hurt OW needlessly
2) that I go back on what I have stood for for the past 8-9 months... i.e. that I do exactly what my W did when she left me (as you point out).
I am struggling right now. That's all I can say. Trying to figure it all out.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
But I DO understand your position, it is no different than anyone else's...
I can understand why my statement 'move on' upset you. Your W has been saying it for 8 months and you just won't. You just didn't.
You have come to the DB board but you don't DB... I truly believe that had you DB'ed for any length of time you and your W would be in a better place, and still could be. But I understand you don't need my opinion.
Boundaries are not my 'philosophy'. They are part of DB.
Anyway, it appears your way is working for you.
Good luck...
SBH Out...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
SBH - Please don't use my thread to promote your philosophy on this stuff. I get your position on all of it. By all means, start a new thread so it can be discussed.
I don't mean to be a jerk about this, but I'm tired of being told how to define my W's R with OM... and I'm tired of being told that I am weak for handling my situation the way that I've handled it.
I have a different view of things... MY situation. That's all.
Denver,
Since you never responded to either of my posts, I'm going to assume you're including me in this as well, and I'm going to bow out. It's pretty clear that the type of advice I'm giving to you is only aggravating you, and that's the last thing I want right now, as you're in enough pain already.
I will continue to follow along, and do pray for you often, for your success. If I'm misunderstanding, just let me know.
