Had a nice weekend overall and interaction with H was good. He has commented a few times about the "new" Chances. Interesting choice of words but obviously noticing the 180's and real changes.
I am DBing and trying to make it permanent changes for me, with a few backslides from time to time. Overall I am feeling really good about my changes regardless of the final outcome with my M.
Since we do still live together and share a bed, the emotional distance that happens from time to time is very noticeable and hurtful. DB helps with that a lot. I've noticed that Monday mornings are a trigger, and he really pulls back after a nice weekend.
I've been tested on multiple occasions recently and DB has kep me from sabotaging myself every time. One of the issues he has had, was that he never went anywhere or did anything. Somehow this was my fault even though I wasn't aware of the things that he was asked to do. So in the past few days he now has 3 separate trips planned and I know he is waiting for an argument or discussion. One is a car show that he and a buddy have gone to before, another is a bachelor party and a work trip that is actually just golfing. I kept my response short and upbeat "yep the calendar is clear, I am not traveling for work and have a great time" He absolutely noticed the difference.
But now I also need to work on boundaries without un-doing the DBing that I have done. I don't think it will be healthy to be gone 3 out of 4 weekends. I feel like there is some cake eating there. I'm at a loss though.
I would love any suggestions you may have for me. Am I not seeing this as clearly as an outsider would?
But now I also need to work on boundaries without un-doing the DBing that I have done. I don't think it will be healthy to be gone 3 out of 4 weekends. I feel like there is some cake eating there. I'm at a loss though.
Problem there. ^^^
Cause:
Quote:
I kept my response short and upbeat "yep the calendar is clear, I am not traveling for work and have a great time" He absolutely noticed the difference.
Can you see the problem?
I can, betting money he'll see one, or have one.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
Thank you Jack and Cadet. I think I overcompensated as a 180 because I am still so confused. He complains that he has felt that he couldn't ask me to go away with his friends because he of his fear of a bad reaction. So I guess I was trying to be upbeat, but I think that may have been wrong. It didn't feel right. Sorry if I am not seeing what you are trying to point out Jack. Definitely feeling like a toddler learning to walk.
The trip that was sprung on me yesterday does not feel good to me, and I am trying to wrap my head around it. Although it is technically a work retreat, I know the crowd and they are quite the party crowd. My coworker was sitting with me when the brochure was sent to me yesterday for a calendar check, and she said "oh he's not bringing you, huh"...ouch that hurt. There was a paragraph discussing bringing companions.
Thanks for the links Cadet. I am going to spend some time on them this morning before work. I have read DR and also had 2 coaching sessions with a DB coach. The ups and downs of this are so confusing that I still feel like I am white knuckling this. Your advice and links are so helpful
Wow reading through those links is eye opening, truly. I just need to find the best way to do it in my sitch.
Jack, in reading one of the links I think I know what you mean. I probably shouldn't have said 'have fun' but rather 'be safe', etc. Was there somethin more, sorry if I can't see it yet.
This morning he has emailed me 3 times already, and it is only 10:30 am. I am not responding, one requires a response but can wait until later. I am about to start working and have a few meetings today, will have to be later.
My H is doing something very similar to when you say that your H tries to make things equal? after you GAL. My H will go away for an entire weekend and then when the next weekend comes along and I make plans for myself, he throws a fit because I would like to go do something two nights in a row. It is so incredibly skewed in his direction it is just insanity. Each day I lean more and more towards the thinking that my H is MLC. I just started reading the posts in MLC so I don't how to approach this whole thing yet, but I am guessing we have to just work on ourselves and hope it ends?
Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5 T: 15/ M: 8 Rock bottom: 4/11 ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before Gaining acceptance: 8/11
You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
I get it now Jack, and you are right. I appreciate you pointing that out, and I've not said anything to him about it and I won't. I see what I did, not dwelling but learning
Yes soccerwife, the tit for tat thing is very exhausting. I suppose we need to not worry about it because GAL is for us.
You are definitely in the right place, I am learning a lot from reading the links above. Great place to start. Sorry you are here, but welcome!
Today was rough. He was emailing me quite a bit at the same time I was reading some of the links above and realizing how much work I have to do on me, and the denial I have allowed myself to be in.
My DB coach suggested I contact an IC and I did that today, to schedule an initial consultation
Tonight I am going to Al Anon and on my way home will stop at the store to pick up Co-Dependent no more.
Baby steps.... but in the right direction I am proud of myself right now, which feels nice.
