well LilaGirl, if you read back on your own threads, its as if everything you do or feel or think is of the utmost priority and all of life depends on it. while at the same time, everything your BF does or thinks, or your family does, is always wrong, with bad intentions, and stupid and a complete waste of time.
your running to 2 stores to buy the right squash is much more important than your BF learning to sew. his learning to weld is a waste but your tasks are not.
but to BF what he chooses to do is important. your mother helping you is her helping you, her reason for being an hour late was important to her. whether you agree, with BF or mother, or not is meaningless.
and this attitude permeates everything, and is very destructive.
"How do we remain loving to those around us who hurt us regularly, who demand of us unfairly, who behave badly to us without becoming martyrs." - this is a good question to ask yourself about yourself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Thanks, Ken. I appreciate your honesty. You're probably right. I'm examining all this closely now.
I keep thinking of a quote by a monk I can't rememnber his name - and he said something like "The people in our lives do not inhibit our spiritual practice; they are our spiritual practice."
That always stayed with me.
So I keep going round and round on this concept b/c I've been in therapy so long and even yesterday when I told the MC about my mom (she asked if I'd been crying) and I told her what happened, she said, "It sounds like your mom does the same thing BF does to you" -
So it's validated - not saying that I wanted it to be, but I was feeling pretty crazy in the car on the drive over there yesterday.
I guess I think about what I would do and believe it or not, I'm a pretty nice caring person (I just have these sets of issues) but if someone asked me to help, I would have called to let them know what time I'd be there or ask what time they needed me. Esp. if I knew they had an appt in the morning. I would have been there and taken the kid and said, "okay, let's let mommy get her space," or something. And I wouldn't have made a doctor appointment a couple hours later.
My mother has been like this her whole life, and I've always had to guess if she was mad at me - b/c she's pass-aggress. and weeks later, she might tell you she was or something, so yesterday I got upset, b/c here I thought she was okay with helping, and she was doing that old behavior that shows me she's not okay (which is showing me how inconvenient it is for her, etc.)
So it wasn't like she came over and respected me and then I was beating on her. She was just doing what she's done all my life - act out in ways where you're left feeling bad.
Again, the question remains. Just like it does with BF or anyone (my dad calling and then getting angry at me if I don't return his calls on time and leaving annoying messages)
What do you do? I think - okay, just show them love, don't give anyone the power to upset you or take you down.
I honestly don't know - it's not like I have the answer and I'm ... I'm lost on this one.
So while I'm addressing that issue above, just an update -
Last night, D was up until 3 am. I should probably talk to the doctor. We tried putting her down at 7 and she slept a while and then just woke up and was up - it made us really cranky toward the end. But I tried to stay calm.
At some point, we were all lying on the floor in the back room b/c we'd been playing this game with her around midnight since when she gets up she gets up for hours no matter what you do, and BF started kind of picking at me (i have little bumps on my arms sometimes and he'll pick at them) ... he was doing it kind of mindlessly.
He hasn't done anything toward moving or packing in a couple days.
And I'm okay with things just being kind of neutral right now- I'm still looking for a sitter but not having much luck. And just still feeling exhausted and struggling with sleep stuff. Which totally doesn't make any of this easier.
My sitter is away next week and I told him about it in church the other morning - that I was going to ask my mom to help for a couple days b/c I have so much work right now and then to see if for a couple days we can head to the shore - he had said on Sunday that he just wanted to lay in a lounge chair or something and so I suggested it - he looked at his calendar and seemed okay with it and then I brought it up again this morning saying that I wasn't going to have childcare next week and didn't want to ask my mom...
I think it would be really nice for all of us to just get out of here for a few days. It's just been too too much.
Then D turns 2 the following week and we have her friend and family party the next Sunday.
Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do about the MC - she is on vacation next week and I don't want to "drag" him in but he already said he'd go but I just don't know right now.
She seems to think we have no R and so it doesn't give me a ton of hope. I mean, I thought about it this morning, and I don't even know what I'd be reviving.
I did call her just now b/c we don't have much time to get in and so IDK if it's even possible.
D is still asleep and missing her playgroup - I called her pedi this morning to see if I can talk with him about this sleep stuff (Though she's had this since she was a baby so I know it's not going away anytime soon).
GM, thanks for what you said, but I just want to point out that your post makes you sound like a victim - to your exH. Were you?
I'm not a victim to BF. And he's not a victim to me.
We all have choices. For all the behavior I talk about and that everyone points out that is mine, there is identical behavior going on with him.
He'll say "don't talk about our age difference" but the day before he talked about it in a condescending way to me.
He'll say "you don't know what you're talking about." but I'm the one who is "right" all the time.
It's a mirror. So that doesn't mean I'm not going to go ahead and just focus on me. It's taken me a long time to extract myself from him - I don't know that he's extracted yet from me though, b/c he doesn't see separation - he hides behind my issues and calls them mine. Nothing is his to own. My hope is that if mine subside, his will become more apparent (or not) and that he can do some work - or, through MC. But, I'm not attached to that outcome.
Right now, my focus is on how to change my behavior, cope, manage anger, etc. FOR ME. Sure I would like my family to heal - these people are NOT angels, trust me. But I'm healing me, and in that I don't think there's a need right now to say - it's all your fault and BF is a victim to you like I was a victim to my exH.
I just want to get my boundaries back so that I can own what's mine and not take on everyone else's. That is what I'm trying to get help with right now. And that is where I struggle.
It sounds to me like you have a lot of unresolved issues and some anger and you keep sort of projecting here mixing it in with advice (which I value) but it's a little ... dicey. B/c you haven't been here to see what the behavior is like from the other end. And it's not important, as we know. I've at least reached that place. What is important is that I learn how to handle other people's bad behavior and find boundaries and ways of coping that are better than what I'm doing now.
I actually thought about that last night. Not the "stop working on myself part" but that I really don't feel like being in therapy anymore. I'm burnt on reading.
So, I'm kind of right there with you.
But is that what reminded you of your W? She worked on herself a lot?
