GM, thanks for what you said, but I just want to point out that your post makes you sound like a victim - to your exH. Were you?
I'm not a victim to BF. And he's not a victim to me.
We all have choices. For all the behavior I talk about and that everyone points out that is mine, there is identical behavior going on with him.
He'll say "don't talk about our age difference" but the day before he talked about it in a condescending way to me.
He'll say "you don't know what you're talking about." but I'm the one who is "right" all the time.
It's a mirror. So that doesn't mean I'm not going to go ahead and just focus on me. It's taken me a long time to extract myself from him - I don't know that he's extracted yet from me though, b/c he doesn't see separation - he hides behind my issues and calls them mine. Nothing is his to own. My hope is that if mine subside, his will become more apparent (or not) and that he can do some work - or, through MC. But, I'm not attached to that outcome.
Right now, my focus is on how to change my behavior, cope, manage anger, etc. FOR ME. Sure I would like my family to heal - these people are NOT angels, trust me. But I'm healing me, and in that I don't think there's a need right now to say - it's all your fault and BF is a victim to you like I was a victim to my exH.
I just want to get my boundaries back so that I can own what's mine and not take on everyone else's. That is what I'm trying to get help with right now. And that is where I struggle.
It sounds to me like you have a lot of unresolved issues and some anger and you keep sort of projecting here mixing it in with advice (which I value) but it's a little ... dicey. B/c you haven't been here to see what the behavior is like from the other end. And it's not important, as we know. I've at least reached that place. What is important is that I learn how to handle other people's bad behavior and find boundaries and ways of coping that are better than what I'm doing now.
