My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

[AntoniaB]

When people here say you have to "dig deep" into yourself for answers, it's because of situations like these where the anguish you feel is coming from what you initiate and "make happen" by pushing the relationship talk which invariably ends up going south. A couple of days ago you said something like "she specializes in hurting me and I specialize in letting her." I think you need to really think about what you're saying here. You not even just letting her, you're driving her to hurt you more, because rather than saying simply that she's still going through the divorce, which is bad enough, you're pushing her to say more specific hurtful things.

Why are you driving her to do this? Do you get some sort of payoff for being the victim?

I'm asking you this because many good people on this board got me to understand that I was doing the same thing for a time. Why was I holding onto the role of the victim? The one being torn apart constantly? Because I was too AFRAID to not be the victim. I was too scared to stand up and be without my XH. I was too scared to envision living without him ever again. As long as I could play the role of the victim, I didn't have to do "the work" to become entirely independent of him.

I am not assuming this is what you're doing, but if you bang your head against a wall repeatedly even though you know you shouldn't, and you are being hurt badly and you STILL do it, you have to search for why you're doing so, and sometimes, the reason is that you are afraid to really face life without her if that is what she wants.

It is a terribly scary thought to face life without your spouse, yes. But to me, this speaks of codependency. I'm not saying we shouldn't be grieving and mourning for the loss of our spouses. But to be SO AFRAID to have them out of our lives that we do whatever we have to to "keep the conversation going" even when it is tearing us apart, Tad, that's a fear of being without them that is unhealthy and dysfunctional and codependent.

You are not a bad person at all. You just have a need/addiction to her that is unhealthy for you, because you're willing to flay yourself, so to speak, just to keep her texting or on the phone. And you didn't get this way without her encouraging it. So both of you have a role here.

Maybe I'm really wrong about this, and this does not describe you in any way, but I've read a ton of books on this stuff, journaled, and spent hours on this board getting help from people, and often we stay on that hamster wheel because we are so afraid to get off.

You went out and found yourself a job at a terrible time in your life. That means you have TONS of strength. You have to turn that strength inward and use it to overcome the fear of her really leaving your life.